(no subject)
i made this slightly angry/frustrated angst post a few hours ago, but decided to delete it, because...it was stupid. i'm still angry and frustrated, but i'd rather keep these feelings to myself. i'm off to work in a few hours, to talk things over with my boss. if all goes well, he won't fire me. and if he does...well, i'll worry about that later. :-)
nevertheless, i feel like i need to get out of eindhoven. i'm not meant to live in a small city like this. i'm bored, frustrated and i have the feeling like i can't grow as a person, being stuck in this city. i really, really, really need to get out. i just can't feel satisfied with what i have now. sleeping, work, friends, alcohol...it's the same old routine, and i'm sick of it. i've played the part of your happy-recovering angst-filled adolescent woman. in a way, i'm sad my mom decided to move to holland, because we're both unhappy living here. but then again, i don't know if i'd be happy anywhere, 'cos, as i said before, i feel like an alien on planet earth.
so, all i can do now, is save up money, and just go. i don't know if i want to study in holland, or abroad. maybe i'll never go to college, who knows what i'll end up doing later. hopefully something involving art or music, because those two things are by far the only things i'm talented in.
my whole life i've been trying to live up to other people's expectations; go to college, get a steady job, settle down, quit my medication, cut down on drinking, give up smoking, stay away from drugs, sleep less, eat more, think less, go to therapy, learn to cry, quit cursing, play the violin, be a social person, talk more about my feelings and emotions, use my cellphone more often, dress a certain way, put on make-up, keep an eye on my weight, grow my hair long, cut my hair short, wear certain glasses, put in my contacts lenses, talk less about myself, put my mind on zero, stay in eindhoven, stay in holland, change myself as a person, respect others, respect myself, be a good person, be honest to my friends, stay true to myself, worry about the past, worry about the future, worry about my appearance, get in a relationship, enjoy sex. and to be honest, there are plenty of things that have made me wiser and stronger, so i can't blame anybody for living up to other people's expectations. yet, still i feel the need to break free from this life.
and i'm only 19 years old, and i feel like i'm carrying the world on my shoulders. which, in fact, is true, in a way. i'm carrying my own world on my shoulders. i know there are more like people like me out there. and i wish i could meet someone like me, without getting sick and tired of that person, because they say you get bothered the most by people who resemble yourself. and i know that. and i'll try to deal with that, try to deal with life in general, and my emotions and fears and paranoia.
and i wish people could love eachother and themselves, because i can't provide them any love for now. maybe one day i'll wake up, and everything will be different, and i'll be a different person and enjoy the little things in life, like the sunshine, the rain, the rainbows and beautiful music. not that i can't appreciate beautiful music. ;-) but for now, i'll try to feel less miserable and alone. because i've created these spiderwebs of emotions, and i'm the only one who can get rid of them. no therapy or medication will help me at this point, for they have only kept my mind and emotions a bit more calm. cut down the chance of getting into another psychosis.
these past few years have opened up my eyes. i'm cursed with my mind, my intelligence, my feelings and my heart. maybe there's an old soul, trapped in that young body of mine. because i sure as hell don't feel like a 19-year-old. ;-) and i've tried to act my age. jumped into one relationship after the other, went to parties and talked about the usual teenage-related stuff. but of course, i wasn't satisfied, as always.
at this point, i think i need to start realizing that life will never be easy, no matter how i act or where i live. because moving out of holland, a pretty easy-going country, might even make me miss my old life. (it's not like life will be easier in france, the UK, the states or canada.) but something tells me there's more to life, than staying in eindhoven. who knows what i'll end up doing in life. i might become succesful, i might end up in the gutter. i'm not afraid or either possibilities. because that means i've chosen that life. and i'll just need to stick to my choices.
nevertheless, i feel like i need to get out of eindhoven. i'm not meant to live in a small city like this. i'm bored, frustrated and i have the feeling like i can't grow as a person, being stuck in this city. i really, really, really need to get out. i just can't feel satisfied with what i have now. sleeping, work, friends, alcohol...it's the same old routine, and i'm sick of it. i've played the part of your happy-recovering angst-filled adolescent woman. in a way, i'm sad my mom decided to move to holland, because we're both unhappy living here. but then again, i don't know if i'd be happy anywhere, 'cos, as i said before, i feel like an alien on planet earth.
so, all i can do now, is save up money, and just go. i don't know if i want to study in holland, or abroad. maybe i'll never go to college, who knows what i'll end up doing later. hopefully something involving art or music, because those two things are by far the only things i'm talented in.
my whole life i've been trying to live up to other people's expectations; go to college, get a steady job, settle down, quit my medication, cut down on drinking, give up smoking, stay away from drugs, sleep less, eat more, think less, go to therapy, learn to cry, quit cursing, play the violin, be a social person, talk more about my feelings and emotions, use my cellphone more often, dress a certain way, put on make-up, keep an eye on my weight, grow my hair long, cut my hair short, wear certain glasses, put in my contacts lenses, talk less about myself, put my mind on zero, stay in eindhoven, stay in holland, change myself as a person, respect others, respect myself, be a good person, be honest to my friends, stay true to myself, worry about the past, worry about the future, worry about my appearance, get in a relationship, enjoy sex. and to be honest, there are plenty of things that have made me wiser and stronger, so i can't blame anybody for living up to other people's expectations. yet, still i feel the need to break free from this life.
and i'm only 19 years old, and i feel like i'm carrying the world on my shoulders. which, in fact, is true, in a way. i'm carrying my own world on my shoulders. i know there are more like people like me out there. and i wish i could meet someone like me, without getting sick and tired of that person, because they say you get bothered the most by people who resemble yourself. and i know that. and i'll try to deal with that, try to deal with life in general, and my emotions and fears and paranoia.
and i wish people could love eachother and themselves, because i can't provide them any love for now. maybe one day i'll wake up, and everything will be different, and i'll be a different person and enjoy the little things in life, like the sunshine, the rain, the rainbows and beautiful music. not that i can't appreciate beautiful music. ;-) but for now, i'll try to feel less miserable and alone. because i've created these spiderwebs of emotions, and i'm the only one who can get rid of them. no therapy or medication will help me at this point, for they have only kept my mind and emotions a bit more calm. cut down the chance of getting into another psychosis.
these past few years have opened up my eyes. i'm cursed with my mind, my intelligence, my feelings and my heart. maybe there's an old soul, trapped in that young body of mine. because i sure as hell don't feel like a 19-year-old. ;-) and i've tried to act my age. jumped into one relationship after the other, went to parties and talked about the usual teenage-related stuff. but of course, i wasn't satisfied, as always.
at this point, i think i need to start realizing that life will never be easy, no matter how i act or where i live. because moving out of holland, a pretty easy-going country, might even make me miss my old life. (it's not like life will be easier in france, the UK, the states or canada.) but something tells me there's more to life, than staying in eindhoven. who knows what i'll end up doing in life. i might become succesful, i might end up in the gutter. i'm not afraid or either possibilities. because that means i've chosen that life. and i'll just need to stick to my choices.