a variety post on the past, and brain health.
sometimes, i like to go back into the past and see what i was thinking 3 years ago, or 5 years ago. i went back to my year in first year, and holy shit, i was young. but the year after that - i pretty much seem like myself. at least in november :)
this is not the first time i've referenced this entry, and it probably will not be the last. i was 20 years old when i wrote that on november 28th, 2006.
i am 24 years old. it is november 25th, 2010. that entry still resonates with me. and yet - it doesn't. not today, anyway. and that makes me happy, because it indicates change. progress.
for the majority of my time, i do okay. i do perfectly well. i live life as a normal 20 year old, unaware of my 15 year old self that is still lurking somewhere inside of me. of my 16 year old self, of my 17 year old self. but in times of stress, it is like i collapse. everything i've worked for, everything i've gotten through - i collapse.
this continues to be true. the majority of the time, i am okay. even in times of stress, i'm not taken back to then. but sometimes, there it is. randomly. there it is. i still collapse, i still fall apart. but, i'm okay.
i no longer wonder who i would have been. i no longer feel as if i'm on a path that i wasn't meant to be on. perhaps that is partly because of my career path change; i am so much more prepared for the world of social work because of what i've been through. but it still does feel distant (most of the time).
i happily report that i have no triggers associated with cologne anymore (which is good, because, i like cologne!). "don't stop" is still a trigger. not to a flashback, but a very uncomfortable feeling. i just got a chill, thinking about it. so - yes. that persists.
here i am, and it's 12:37. it's the night of the living dead, it's the darkness between the edges of the world. it's the end of an era, of a moment, of a feeling, of a time. it's the beginning of a new stage, a new thought, a new noticeboard on the front of my doorstep saying "welcome home, johanna - welcome home." it's the greeter, telling me they missed me. (i didn't miss you, don't be fooled. i come back not by choice.) it's the fact that my life ended when i was 15 years old, before it even began. who i am now is not who i was destined to be.
when i was 15 years old, my life changed. and, it isn't just that. when i was 14, my life changed. when i was 12, my life changed. except - it didn't.
because i remember as a child going to the liquor store with my mother. i remember where my mom would hide her drink before my dad came home. i never understood.
so - no, my life didn't change when i was 15 years old. it had been on that path for a long, long time. and, i think that realising that has helped me to release a lot of my guilt. by acknowledging the trauma that i was dealing with before it even happened, i realise that it was almost inevitable that i would reach out to someone - anyone - for help. and do anything to get it.
but, i am still happy with myself. yesterday, in counselling.. my counsellor keeps asking what i want to accomplish in counselling. it's an interesting thing; i've never had anyone ask me that before. and at first i wasn't happy with the question, but now i realise that - i really don't have as many issues as i think i do. i'm very fortunate in a lot of things, and i can't forget that. yes, i do have teh issues; yes, i need help. but i'm starting to be okay with letting go of things.
i'm so very attached to my past, because it defines me. no - wait. i let it define me. i think it defines me. it is a part of me. i have a lot of new people on my flist, and i talk about these things sort of, but not really. i've talked about them at length in the past. i actually think it's kind of remarkable that at this moment, i don't consider specific past events to be relevant. they might be, again. they might be in 5 hours. i don't know if a trigger will come. i don't know what my mind will be like.
but in sum, my mom is/was an alcoholic, and the worst years for that was probably between 12 and 18. (important years!). there was a lot of emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and some physical. i lived with her, alone. i spent many nights locked in my room with the door handle taken off so she couldn't get in. shit went down when i was 14/15 and i got involved with some adults who were very bad for me. and then it happened again. so, there's a sexual abuse component to it as all (i very much hesitate to call it that, because i say it was consensual. my psychiatrist actually laughed and said, no, no it wasn't.) i fought with depression for years, and still do. i have borderline personality disorder, which is truly a relief, because it helps me to understand why i am the way i am. it's not an excuse, but it's a lens that allows me to critically observe my actions.
and - something i am learning. i know a number of people on my flist deal with their own mental health issues, and this is something that i am finding is truly, truly helpful.
our thoughts define us. we are our thoughts; our brains. we go through life experiencing things, and then our brain interprets them, and then that results in a feeling/action/whatever.
and, even though it may seem like our thoughts control us, it doesn't have to be that way. there's a little thing inside of us that can help us to re-evaluate our thoughts, which can help to change our interpretation of various situations.
one thought to be wary of is a thought that involves something like "everything". or "every*". ie. everything sucks. everything is going wrong today. i'm afraid of everything. everyone hates me.
it's important to take that thought, and step back from it, and evaluate it, critically. is it true, that everyone hates me? or that i'm afraid of everything? or that nothing will ever get better? most likely, it isn't the case.
but, it isn't helpful to just say "self, you're being ridiculous, that's not true." because, it does nothing to the original thought. it's very helpful to rephrase the thought in your mind, because that truly gives it new meaning. so, yesterday for example, i said - i'm terrified of everything. this is not the case. i am not terrified of food, or chairs, or my cats. so - i rephrased it into, i am fearful of some things. and, this is far more accurate, and much, much easier to deal with.
this can be done with a lot of thoughts. if you recognise a thought in your brain that is problematic (or circular, or anything), step back from it and look at it. write it down if you have to, and write down things that aren't true about it. examine the thought.
and remember - we are our thoughts. our brains. everything that we experience; sight, sound, smell, taste - all they are is sensory experiences that our brain processes. event + interpretation = feeling. we can't change the event, but we can change the interpretation.
this is not the first time i've referenced this entry, and it probably will not be the last. i was 20 years old when i wrote that on november 28th, 2006.
i am 24 years old. it is november 25th, 2010. that entry still resonates with me. and yet - it doesn't. not today, anyway. and that makes me happy, because it indicates change. progress.
for the majority of my time, i do okay. i do perfectly well. i live life as a normal 20 year old, unaware of my 15 year old self that is still lurking somewhere inside of me. of my 16 year old self, of my 17 year old self. but in times of stress, it is like i collapse. everything i've worked for, everything i've gotten through - i collapse.
this continues to be true. the majority of the time, i am okay. even in times of stress, i'm not taken back to then. but sometimes, there it is. randomly. there it is. i still collapse, i still fall apart. but, i'm okay.
i no longer wonder who i would have been. i no longer feel as if i'm on a path that i wasn't meant to be on. perhaps that is partly because of my career path change; i am so much more prepared for the world of social work because of what i've been through. but it still does feel distant (most of the time).
i happily report that i have no triggers associated with cologne anymore (which is good, because, i like cologne!). "don't stop" is still a trigger. not to a flashback, but a very uncomfortable feeling. i just got a chill, thinking about it. so - yes. that persists.
here i am, and it's 12:37. it's the night of the living dead, it's the darkness between the edges of the world. it's the end of an era, of a moment, of a feeling, of a time. it's the beginning of a new stage, a new thought, a new noticeboard on the front of my doorstep saying "welcome home, johanna - welcome home." it's the greeter, telling me they missed me. (i didn't miss you, don't be fooled. i come back not by choice.) it's the fact that my life ended when i was 15 years old, before it even began. who i am now is not who i was destined to be.
when i was 15 years old, my life changed. and, it isn't just that. when i was 14, my life changed. when i was 12, my life changed. except - it didn't.
because i remember as a child going to the liquor store with my mother. i remember where my mom would hide her drink before my dad came home. i never understood.
so - no, my life didn't change when i was 15 years old. it had been on that path for a long, long time. and, i think that realising that has helped me to release a lot of my guilt. by acknowledging the trauma that i was dealing with before it even happened, i realise that it was almost inevitable that i would reach out to someone - anyone - for help. and do anything to get it.
but, i am still happy with myself. yesterday, in counselling.. my counsellor keeps asking what i want to accomplish in counselling. it's an interesting thing; i've never had anyone ask me that before. and at first i wasn't happy with the question, but now i realise that - i really don't have as many issues as i think i do. i'm very fortunate in a lot of things, and i can't forget that. yes, i do have teh issues; yes, i need help. but i'm starting to be okay with letting go of things.
i'm so very attached to my past, because it defines me. no - wait. i let it define me. i think it defines me. it is a part of me. i have a lot of new people on my flist, and i talk about these things sort of, but not really. i've talked about them at length in the past. i actually think it's kind of remarkable that at this moment, i don't consider specific past events to be relevant. they might be, again. they might be in 5 hours. i don't know if a trigger will come. i don't know what my mind will be like.
but in sum, my mom is/was an alcoholic, and the worst years for that was probably between 12 and 18. (important years!). there was a lot of emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and some physical. i lived with her, alone. i spent many nights locked in my room with the door handle taken off so she couldn't get in. shit went down when i was 14/15 and i got involved with some adults who were very bad for me. and then it happened again. so, there's a sexual abuse component to it as all (i very much hesitate to call it that, because i say it was consensual. my psychiatrist actually laughed and said, no, no it wasn't.) i fought with depression for years, and still do. i have borderline personality disorder, which is truly a relief, because it helps me to understand why i am the way i am. it's not an excuse, but it's a lens that allows me to critically observe my actions.
and - something i am learning. i know a number of people on my flist deal with their own mental health issues, and this is something that i am finding is truly, truly helpful.
our thoughts define us. we are our thoughts; our brains. we go through life experiencing things, and then our brain interprets them, and then that results in a feeling/action/whatever.
and, even though it may seem like our thoughts control us, it doesn't have to be that way. there's a little thing inside of us that can help us to re-evaluate our thoughts, which can help to change our interpretation of various situations.
one thought to be wary of is a thought that involves something like "everything". or "every*". ie. everything sucks. everything is going wrong today. i'm afraid of everything. everyone hates me.
it's important to take that thought, and step back from it, and evaluate it, critically. is it true, that everyone hates me? or that i'm afraid of everything? or that nothing will ever get better? most likely, it isn't the case.
but, it isn't helpful to just say "self, you're being ridiculous, that's not true." because, it does nothing to the original thought. it's very helpful to rephrase the thought in your mind, because that truly gives it new meaning. so, yesterday for example, i said - i'm terrified of everything. this is not the case. i am not terrified of food, or chairs, or my cats. so - i rephrased it into, i am fearful of some things. and, this is far more accurate, and much, much easier to deal with.
this can be done with a lot of thoughts. if you recognise a thought in your brain that is problematic (or circular, or anything), step back from it and look at it. write it down if you have to, and write down things that aren't true about it. examine the thought.
and remember - we are our thoughts. our brains. everything that we experience; sight, sound, smell, taste - all they are is sensory experiences that our brain processes. event + interpretation = feeling. we can't change the event, but we can change the interpretation.