semi colon;
brain things;
today, i'm not entirely sure how to exist. this is the only way that i can articulate my feelings; a lack of understanding how to get from point a to point b. i feel as if ahead of me, i have ten thousand crossroads and they're all wrong, wrong, wrong. judgement, judgement. i am ascribing a negative thought to something that doesn't necessarily mean that.
adhd;
yesterday, my concerta wore off and i experienced the feeling of mud-brain. it was like that when i first started taking concerta, and i think i only realise it's there when i try to do work once it's out of my system. i realise that living in my brain is a struggle. it was as if my brain was made of mud or goop, and i had to push through it for every single thought. effort. so much effort. i was trying to write a quiz and the second question had a longish sentence, and it was as if once i had read one word, it disappeared from my mind. enveloping goo, causing me to push through everything, and stripping me from anything i've gathered on the way.
school;
i have a midterm today, and a small presentation. i'm not sure if i'm going to do the small presentation. part of me is judging myself saying that i'm taking the easy way out. another part of me is saying, no - it's survival. it's giving myself a fighting chance for my midterm, and for my day. in class on monday, i talked to the professor after class. she's a social worker. she's taken the best approach to class participation that i've ever seen in all of my years. she understands it's a challenge for some people to participate, and said that if we are one of those people, to connect with her. i said to her that i have a lot of anxiety, and i'm also adhd and that i fidget and fiddle and it may look like i'm not paying attention, and she said, no - totally, you're managing everything that's going on. and i was like - yes! that's exactly it. it was a perfect way to phrase it and make sense of it, and put it in a positive way (or at least not a negative way). phrasing is so important. so i thanked her and gave her props for dealing with this in the best way i've ever seen.
right now;
so, i'm trying to manage. manage everything in my head. the most difficult part of everything is that i feel that i have no base or basis or beginning. no starting point, and how do i start on a journey without starting? instead, i step on the escalator and let it take me from point a to point b. i get through the day through obligations and habit without a clear understanding of how i get from point a to point b. but i get to point b. part of me recognises that this is a success in itself, and another part of me feels as if my life is disappearing day by day as i struggle through. but i push aside questions about why i do this or what the point is, because i have not yet fulfilled my biological imperative.
today, i'm not entirely sure how to exist. this is the only way that i can articulate my feelings; a lack of understanding how to get from point a to point b. i feel as if ahead of me, i have ten thousand crossroads and they're all wrong, wrong, wrong. judgement, judgement. i am ascribing a negative thought to something that doesn't necessarily mean that.
adhd;
yesterday, my concerta wore off and i experienced the feeling of mud-brain. it was like that when i first started taking concerta, and i think i only realise it's there when i try to do work once it's out of my system. i realise that living in my brain is a struggle. it was as if my brain was made of mud or goop, and i had to push through it for every single thought. effort. so much effort. i was trying to write a quiz and the second question had a longish sentence, and it was as if once i had read one word, it disappeared from my mind. enveloping goo, causing me to push through everything, and stripping me from anything i've gathered on the way.
school;
i have a midterm today, and a small presentation. i'm not sure if i'm going to do the small presentation. part of me is judging myself saying that i'm taking the easy way out. another part of me is saying, no - it's survival. it's giving myself a fighting chance for my midterm, and for my day. in class on monday, i talked to the professor after class. she's a social worker. she's taken the best approach to class participation that i've ever seen in all of my years. she understands it's a challenge for some people to participate, and said that if we are one of those people, to connect with her. i said to her that i have a lot of anxiety, and i'm also adhd and that i fidget and fiddle and it may look like i'm not paying attention, and she said, no - totally, you're managing everything that's going on. and i was like - yes! that's exactly it. it was a perfect way to phrase it and make sense of it, and put it in a positive way (or at least not a negative way). phrasing is so important. so i thanked her and gave her props for dealing with this in the best way i've ever seen.
right now;
so, i'm trying to manage. manage everything in my head. the most difficult part of everything is that i feel that i have no base or basis or beginning. no starting point, and how do i start on a journey without starting? instead, i step on the escalator and let it take me from point a to point b. i get through the day through obligations and habit without a clear understanding of how i get from point a to point b. but i get to point b. part of me recognises that this is a success in itself, and another part of me feels as if my life is disappearing day by day as i struggle through. but i push aside questions about why i do this or what the point is, because i have not yet fulfilled my biological imperative.