(no subject)
When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.
if i ever write a suicide note, that will be it.
i feel like the only thing i can do today is set myself on fire. or, perhaps more accurately, i have nothing left to burn. i have nothing inside of me; the only fire in me is that fueled by destruction. but i cannot self destruct because i have obligations. everything leaves me but my duty. so i struggle, knowing what i need to do, and not having any fuel to do it.
the haunting has returned. i am seeing him again in my mind. he returns. where does he go when he is gone? why does he come back? who am i today? why does my capacity for existence change?
who will i be tomorrow. i am tired of wondering. i am tired of fighting. fluctuations. i wish i could forecast my future.
tomorrow: cloudy, with a sense of despair; slowly lightening up to hope in the evening. thunderstorms overnight, returning to despair in the morning.
if the hope never came, i could at least live my life. instead, i live in a wave pool that has no off switch. i cannot get my footing.
bpd; living in a wave pool without a floaty toy.