After the Hurricane Comes a Rainbow
“Adam, open the door.”
Silence, then, “I can’t.”
“Adam, open the door.”
“Kris, I can’t.” Kris sighed and pressed his back against the other side of the door, sliding down to sit on the floor, not knowing Adam was mirroring his position on the other side. “You can’t see me like this.”
Kris sighed. Beneath that raven-haired rock god oozing with confidence was still that overshadowed, self-conscious, red head that would never be erased. “Adam, you know it doesn’t matter to me what-“
“-it matters to me.”
“Well, it shouldn’t.” Kris snapped, turning to stare at Adam but only meeting a mahogany door. He sighed and pressed his head against it, pretending he was resting his head against Adam’s chest, strong arms encircling him, but it wasn’t Adam. Adam was on the other side of the door, crumbling against pressure, making Kris’s heart shatter with every stifled sob he heard Adam let out. “Adam.”
“How could…h-h-how could I have been so s-stupid?”
“You’re not stupid.”
“Y-yes, I am.” Kris sighed when he heard Adam’s weak voice. “I am. I am…”
“Open the door.”
“No, Kris, you can’t’-“
“Adam, even at your absolute worst you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
He was grateful for that door separating them. If Adam wasn’t in sight, it was easier for Kris to pretend that he was still on the Idol tour, practicing in his hotel room the speech he’d tell Adam whenever he came back. He’d tell Adam he loved him and then they would be together.
That never happened. Every time Adam came back in covered in glitter and smelling of alcohol, sweat and expensive cologne (that Kris prayed to God was Adam’s and not someone else’s), Kris froze.
He felt as if he was staring at the man walking down the hallway during Hollywood Week, the first time he ever laid eyes on Adam Lambert. He was intimidated, and instead of confessing his love, Kris would just hug him and fall into those strong arms that had become a sanctuary for Kris.
Adam was his rock, his strength. And now, three years later as he sat in the hallway of Adam’s favorite restaurant, Kris had to be Adam’s strength or he knew Adam wouldn’t be able to carry on by himself.
“You don’t mean that, Kris.”
“Adam,” Kris sighed, “Why can’t you see that you’re so much more than what you think of yourself?”
“Because I’m not, Kris, I’m not anything more than a fag like they say.”
“You used to tell me not to listen to them, when they said that I didn’t deserve to win. When I came back literally crying after the finale because I knew that you were supposed to win.” Kris sighed, closing his eyes at the memory, “What did you say to me?”
Adam was silent.
“You told me that I just needed to find my light and shine, and show all of them what I’m really worth. Do you remember that? I do. And I swear that is the only reason I’ve been able to get past that finale without guilt or pain and it’s the only reason I was able to get through my divorce.”
Kris turned again to look at the door, as if he could see right through it to Adam. He could picture Adam, sitting on the ground, head in his hands, makeup running down his face. He, no doubt, was a mess but Adam was never anything less than beautiful; it was impossible. “You were the only reason, Adam.”
“I just….I don’t think I was ready for this.”
“The world just wasn’t ready for you.” Kris smiled to himself, “Adam, no one is.”
“Except you,” Adam sniffled, “You accepted me before anyone did, Kris. You never judged me or told me I was going to hell or some shit like that. You just accepted me like I was normal, not some freak-“
“Would you stop?”
“It’s the truth.”
“Open the door.”
“No.”
“Adam, open the door.” Adam sighed, then obliged after a minute.
Kris’s heart sank even lower, if that was possible, when he saw Adam. Hardly any makeup remained on his eyes, as it now fell in messy, mascara-stained tears on his freckled cheeks. His eyes were red and puffy, and his raven hair fell in front of his eyes, as if shielding his vulnerability.
Kris sighed and moved across the floor so that he was sitting beside Adam in the doorway. Adam took this as an invitation to put his head onto Kris’s chest, burying it in his shirt. Kris wrapped his arms around Adam and placed his head on top of his. “I just can’t h-handle what…I can’t do this, Kris.”
“Adam, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out. Shut up, let me finish-“Kris reached out and placed a finger over Adam’s lips, silencing him. “Don’t let that stupid article about you damaging my career get to you, okay? Don’t let anyone, not some stupid protester or news reporter or even Danny flipping Gokey-“ that earned a smile from Adam, finally. “-ever, ever tell you any differently, okay? You’re perfect. Any more perfect and it would just be a bigger insult to the rest of us.”
Adam snuggled closer to him, Kris reveled in the moment. “Funny,” Adam’s voice was still weak, “Usually I’m the one comforting you like this.” He smiled and nestled himself back against Kris,
He felt Adam shiver which had an odd reaction on his body. It felt like a bolt of electricity shot through him. It wasn’t something new, not at all. It was something that Kris had been battling for nearly four years now. He still couldn’t, and probably wouldn’t get used to this…any of it. “Thank you.”
Kris pressed a gentle kiss to Adam’s forehead, “It’s no problem.”
Adam sighed, “I’m sorry I freaked out on you like that. I’m just worried, I mean. This is a big step, Kris. You can’t take this back. Once it’s done, it’s done. You can’t go back and change it.”
“Adam,” Kris leaned down and captured his boyfriend’s lips in his own. He pulled back gently and rested his forehead against Adam’s, a calloused thumb tracing a path from his lips down to the c rook of his neck. He smiled, “Baby, I’m ready to do this. I’m ready to tell everyone the truth.”
Adam closed his eyes and wrapped himself back into Kris’s arms. Kris leaned back against the wall and sighed deeply. He didn’t know what the next few days would have in store for him, he was worried, he was scared and he was anxious. But in the end, it would all be worth it, Kris was positive. He wouldn’t be alone, Adam wouldn’t allow it.
He just had to let Adam know that he wasn’t alone. He kissed the top of Adam’s head and helped him stand. Kris smirked and reached behind him, handing Adam a tissue and his makeup bag he’d brought with him just in case of an emergency. He knew his boyfriend well.
“Now, after you compose yourself, me and you are going to go back in there, resume dinner with my parents, and then I’m going to tell them that I’m bi and in love with my best friend.”
Adam sighed and looked at him for a moment as if trying to figure out if this was all really happening. Kris leaned on his tiptoes and kissed him briefly, “Then tomorrow…I’ll tell everyone else.”
“I love you.” Adam said, breathlessly trying to figure out if Kris was even real.
Kris smiled, “I love you too, baby. Now go.” He gave Adam a gentle push back into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. Kris smiled and adjusted his suit jacket, before walking back to where his parents were sitting at a table, a look of confusion on their faces. “Sorry about that.”
“Is he alright?” Kim looked at Kris, worried. “He left in a hurry.”
“Yeah, he’s just….been having a hard time with the press and stuff lately.” Kris smiled at his Mom and Dad and fiddled with the napkin he’d thrown onto his plate before he ran after Adam. He talked with his parents for a while, then about five minutes later, Adam came back all made up, looking absolutely flawless. You would have never thought he had been crying just a few minutes earlier.
“Is everything alright, Adam?” Kim asked, positioning herself closer to Neil. Kris looked at her when she did this, as if she was expecting something to happen. He realized then that she knew.
She probably knew before he did.
Adam stepped into full view, the moonlight seeping through the window casting an otherworldly beauty upon his face. He smiled at sat back down beside Kris, “Yeah.” He took Kris’s hand in his own and brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of it gently and lingering, “Everything’s perfect.”
Kris smiled, his parents and the rest of the world becoming a blur to him as if Adam and Kris were the only ones that existed. They’d go through hell and back, Kris knew they would have to.
He knew that he’d have to deal with Adam crying more. He’d have to deal with his heart shattering on a daily basis with that guilty feeling inside him that was making him feel that he was causing Adam this much pain. He’d have to deal with his fans confusion while others rejoiced. He’d have to deal with press, with lies and with rumors. He’d have to deal with it all and then some.
He had Adam, though, that’s all that mattered. If his career ended today because of this, Kris Allen could honestly say that his boyfriend was worth it and he’d do it all again.
He wouldn’t lose his career though, everything would end up perfect. He knew it would. They’d go through the hurricane because waiting for them through the storm was a beautiful rainbow.
And Kris knew that rainbow would lead them into forever. If the rest of the world could only see what their future held, then just maybe they would understand.
Silence, then, “I can’t.”
“Adam, open the door.”
“Kris, I can’t.” Kris sighed and pressed his back against the other side of the door, sliding down to sit on the floor, not knowing Adam was mirroring his position on the other side. “You can’t see me like this.”
Kris sighed. Beneath that raven-haired rock god oozing with confidence was still that overshadowed, self-conscious, red head that would never be erased. “Adam, you know it doesn’t matter to me what-“
“-it matters to me.”
“Well, it shouldn’t.” Kris snapped, turning to stare at Adam but only meeting a mahogany door. He sighed and pressed his head against it, pretending he was resting his head against Adam’s chest, strong arms encircling him, but it wasn’t Adam. Adam was on the other side of the door, crumbling against pressure, making Kris’s heart shatter with every stifled sob he heard Adam let out. “Adam.”
“How could…h-h-how could I have been so s-stupid?”
“You’re not stupid.”
“Y-yes, I am.” Kris sighed when he heard Adam’s weak voice. “I am. I am…”
“Open the door.”
“No, Kris, you can’t’-“
“Adam, even at your absolute worst you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
He was grateful for that door separating them. If Adam wasn’t in sight, it was easier for Kris to pretend that he was still on the Idol tour, practicing in his hotel room the speech he’d tell Adam whenever he came back. He’d tell Adam he loved him and then they would be together.
That never happened. Every time Adam came back in covered in glitter and smelling of alcohol, sweat and expensive cologne (that Kris prayed to God was Adam’s and not someone else’s), Kris froze.
He felt as if he was staring at the man walking down the hallway during Hollywood Week, the first time he ever laid eyes on Adam Lambert. He was intimidated, and instead of confessing his love, Kris would just hug him and fall into those strong arms that had become a sanctuary for Kris.
Adam was his rock, his strength. And now, three years later as he sat in the hallway of Adam’s favorite restaurant, Kris had to be Adam’s strength or he knew Adam wouldn’t be able to carry on by himself.
“You don’t mean that, Kris.”
“Adam,” Kris sighed, “Why can’t you see that you’re so much more than what you think of yourself?”
“Because I’m not, Kris, I’m not anything more than a fag like they say.”
“You used to tell me not to listen to them, when they said that I didn’t deserve to win. When I came back literally crying after the finale because I knew that you were supposed to win.” Kris sighed, closing his eyes at the memory, “What did you say to me?”
Adam was silent.
“You told me that I just needed to find my light and shine, and show all of them what I’m really worth. Do you remember that? I do. And I swear that is the only reason I’ve been able to get past that finale without guilt or pain and it’s the only reason I was able to get through my divorce.”
Kris turned again to look at the door, as if he could see right through it to Adam. He could picture Adam, sitting on the ground, head in his hands, makeup running down his face. He, no doubt, was a mess but Adam was never anything less than beautiful; it was impossible. “You were the only reason, Adam.”
“I just….I don’t think I was ready for this.”
“The world just wasn’t ready for you.” Kris smiled to himself, “Adam, no one is.”
“Except you,” Adam sniffled, “You accepted me before anyone did, Kris. You never judged me or told me I was going to hell or some shit like that. You just accepted me like I was normal, not some freak-“
“Would you stop?”
“It’s the truth.”
“Open the door.”
“No.”
“Adam, open the door.” Adam sighed, then obliged after a minute.
Kris’s heart sank even lower, if that was possible, when he saw Adam. Hardly any makeup remained on his eyes, as it now fell in messy, mascara-stained tears on his freckled cheeks. His eyes were red and puffy, and his raven hair fell in front of his eyes, as if shielding his vulnerability.
Kris sighed and moved across the floor so that he was sitting beside Adam in the doorway. Adam took this as an invitation to put his head onto Kris’s chest, burying it in his shirt. Kris wrapped his arms around Adam and placed his head on top of his. “I just can’t h-handle what…I can’t do this, Kris.”
“Adam, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out. Shut up, let me finish-“Kris reached out and placed a finger over Adam’s lips, silencing him. “Don’t let that stupid article about you damaging my career get to you, okay? Don’t let anyone, not some stupid protester or news reporter or even Danny flipping Gokey-“ that earned a smile from Adam, finally. “-ever, ever tell you any differently, okay? You’re perfect. Any more perfect and it would just be a bigger insult to the rest of us.”
Adam snuggled closer to him, Kris reveled in the moment. “Funny,” Adam’s voice was still weak, “Usually I’m the one comforting you like this.” He smiled and nestled himself back against Kris,
He felt Adam shiver which had an odd reaction on his body. It felt like a bolt of electricity shot through him. It wasn’t something new, not at all. It was something that Kris had been battling for nearly four years now. He still couldn’t, and probably wouldn’t get used to this…any of it. “Thank you.”
Kris pressed a gentle kiss to Adam’s forehead, “It’s no problem.”
Adam sighed, “I’m sorry I freaked out on you like that. I’m just worried, I mean. This is a big step, Kris. You can’t take this back. Once it’s done, it’s done. You can’t go back and change it.”
“Adam,” Kris leaned down and captured his boyfriend’s lips in his own. He pulled back gently and rested his forehead against Adam’s, a calloused thumb tracing a path from his lips down to the c rook of his neck. He smiled, “Baby, I’m ready to do this. I’m ready to tell everyone the truth.”
Adam closed his eyes and wrapped himself back into Kris’s arms. Kris leaned back against the wall and sighed deeply. He didn’t know what the next few days would have in store for him, he was worried, he was scared and he was anxious. But in the end, it would all be worth it, Kris was positive. He wouldn’t be alone, Adam wouldn’t allow it.
He just had to let Adam know that he wasn’t alone. He kissed the top of Adam’s head and helped him stand. Kris smirked and reached behind him, handing Adam a tissue and his makeup bag he’d brought with him just in case of an emergency. He knew his boyfriend well.
“Now, after you compose yourself, me and you are going to go back in there, resume dinner with my parents, and then I’m going to tell them that I’m bi and in love with my best friend.”
Adam sighed and looked at him for a moment as if trying to figure out if this was all really happening. Kris leaned on his tiptoes and kissed him briefly, “Then tomorrow…I’ll tell everyone else.”
“I love you.” Adam said, breathlessly trying to figure out if Kris was even real.
Kris smiled, “I love you too, baby. Now go.” He gave Adam a gentle push back into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. Kris smiled and adjusted his suit jacket, before walking back to where his parents were sitting at a table, a look of confusion on their faces. “Sorry about that.”
“Is he alright?” Kim looked at Kris, worried. “He left in a hurry.”
“Yeah, he’s just….been having a hard time with the press and stuff lately.” Kris smiled at his Mom and Dad and fiddled with the napkin he’d thrown onto his plate before he ran after Adam. He talked with his parents for a while, then about five minutes later, Adam came back all made up, looking absolutely flawless. You would have never thought he had been crying just a few minutes earlier.
“Is everything alright, Adam?” Kim asked, positioning herself closer to Neil. Kris looked at her when she did this, as if she was expecting something to happen. He realized then that she knew.
She probably knew before he did.
Adam stepped into full view, the moonlight seeping through the window casting an otherworldly beauty upon his face. He smiled at sat back down beside Kris, “Yeah.” He took Kris’s hand in his own and brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of it gently and lingering, “Everything’s perfect.”
Kris smiled, his parents and the rest of the world becoming a blur to him as if Adam and Kris were the only ones that existed. They’d go through hell and back, Kris knew they would have to.
He knew that he’d have to deal with Adam crying more. He’d have to deal with his heart shattering on a daily basis with that guilty feeling inside him that was making him feel that he was causing Adam this much pain. He’d have to deal with his fans confusion while others rejoiced. He’d have to deal with press, with lies and with rumors. He’d have to deal with it all and then some.
He had Adam, though, that’s all that mattered. If his career ended today because of this, Kris Allen could honestly say that his boyfriend was worth it and he’d do it all again.
He wouldn’t lose his career though, everything would end up perfect. He knew it would. They’d go through the hurricane because waiting for them through the storm was a beautiful rainbow.
And Kris knew that rainbow would lead them into forever. If the rest of the world could only see what their future held, then just maybe they would understand.