(seven of seven)
So, in five long 7/7 pages of text, I sent this to Bobby, my last plea or statement or whatever you want to call it. I think I did myself justice. I think I was valid, understanding, and reasonable. I think I proved myself, and made appropriate points. I think I did okay.
Things happened tonight and it only reaffirmed that Bobby is the apple of my god damn eye. Every quality and desire and dream I have ever had about the opposite sex as a significant other or otherwise, he has, even though he has a few I can't stand, his inconsistencies being one of them. But I love him, oh boy do I love him.
If he rejects me after all of this, I'll probably drop pursuing him and just be single for a while. I don't want to hook up or date or enter into a relationship with anybody else right now. I love Bobby, I do and always have, and if I can't have him, then I would just rather keep to myself. Emotionally, it's probably the best thing for me anyway. Bingley was a confusing element for a while, but I've been cured of that, and it only took one dinner, which is unfortunate because the poor guy likes me and thinks I'm amazing (I'll write about that later).
If he gets knocked to his senses after this, even if it takes a couple days or a week or whatever, and then slips right back into not appreciating me and taking everything for granted, that's the end of it. I'll probably wish him good luck and cease being his friend, and he can learn things the hard way. I'm not being conceded, but I know what kind of person I am and I'm a damn good catch. If he doesn't understand that then he needs a couple of shit relationships to wake up, at which point I'll most likely be gone and lezing out with Megan (see platinum blonde hair joke).
Anyway, here it is.
"So I did a lot of thinking today. I think I did almost everything you've ever asked from me in favor and love. I think despite my flaws, which are apart of my personality and not kinks to be worked out, I was perfect. I loved you when you said such awful things like, "I'm actually glad she's going home in two days," and "This relationship bores me." I loved you when you weren't certain and learned and accepted you were never going to be the way you were when we were first together, and I loved you just as soundly. I read a book and started touching myself in a spot I would not normally think to do it, for you, as a gift, as something special between you and I. I worshiped you, admired you, loved you regardless of your imperfections. You were perfect to me and I saw through them even though sometimes I picked at them, but only when I couldn't tell if you loved me back. You have been inconsistent ever since I came home last summer. You have loved me and not loved me and felt nothing and wanted a break. You asked me back saying, "Let's get married."
Even Matt told you to stop treating me badly because I am good, and as good as it gets. And you agreed. But we're back here again because of school, which is a perfect and convenient excuse to escape anything, in my opinion. I have been ever loyal to you. I love you despite the 2k miles that stands between us right NOW. I work my ass off every day because I know at the end of the day it helps me get closer to you, and you have taken it all for granted, because I'm a little insecure, because I love you a little too much. I have too much self-respect to be toyed around with like this. I am not going to keep offering myself as subject to your entertainment while you inconsistently want me more than anything and only want me enough to be friends. You broke up with me through texting and I deserve so much more than that. I deserve a plane ride and a bouquet of roses and a face to face break up. I love you bit all your words, your plans and promises and all the things you want don't mean much to me now because you keep scurrying back into your hole.
I am an incredibly great catch. I'm smart and I'm funny. I read and I write and I pay attention. I notice the way you walk and I have always done my very best to take care of you, when I am with you in person and when I am not. I listen to your problems and I always ask how you're doing and I always care. I try to look pretty for you two thousand miles away. I bra g to my friends about you, and I don't keep you a secret. I love you openly and loudly. I deserve to be kept, and I want it to be by you so badly. But you keep going back on everything and leaving me when I try so hard to be good to you. I don't think you have the right to ask me to be just friends with you. I sat between two fat, loud black women to come see YOU. I wear that necklace you got me EVERY DAY. I love you and no one else and I never wonder why I'm with you when you aren't here and I never want to leave because of the fights or the stress or the differences. I never want anybody better or worse. I just want you. I want you like crazy people want to go to heaven.
So what I'm trying to get at is I'm great and I will love you better and longer and more fully than any other person you will meet. I don't need marriage or babies or a god damn fortune teller to tell me that in the long run I will need no one else to make me at ease with the world, to make me content with everything even when it's god damn cold out. You are missing the love. I KNOW I am not perfect and I know I am still growing, but so are you and we could grow together. I know you are afraid of being hurt, but look at things from my perspective for a minute. I have not told you I've wanted out since Jack, when you and I were still fresh. I know not being together is rough, I know that so well. But if I knew I would not die or get lost or worse, I would walk my way, because I can't run and you know that, to you a thousand times over. I love you a thousand times over, infinitely and all of the universe.
I'm not begging for you back. I'm not even asking for you back, immediately or otherwise--I'm just asking you, please please please, I implore you, to think about this. Think about it all, the good, the bad, the horribly awful, and the infinite potential. I handle things the wrong way sometimes or a lot of times but I am growing. So please, when you're done reading stupid stream of consciousness Mrs. Dalloway or you're eating your plain school food with your two glasses of nonfat milk and a glass of water, think about me, and you, and everything in between. Because although I'm not perfect, I think I can make you happy best."
Yeah, after just typing all this up, after texting it, I think this is it. I don't have a lot of energy for this left.
Things happened tonight and it only reaffirmed that Bobby is the apple of my god damn eye. Every quality and desire and dream I have ever had about the opposite sex as a significant other or otherwise, he has, even though he has a few I can't stand, his inconsistencies being one of them. But I love him, oh boy do I love him.
If he rejects me after all of this, I'll probably drop pursuing him and just be single for a while. I don't want to hook up or date or enter into a relationship with anybody else right now. I love Bobby, I do and always have, and if I can't have him, then I would just rather keep to myself. Emotionally, it's probably the best thing for me anyway. Bingley was a confusing element for a while, but I've been cured of that, and it only took one dinner, which is unfortunate because the poor guy likes me and thinks I'm amazing (I'll write about that later).
If he gets knocked to his senses after this, even if it takes a couple days or a week or whatever, and then slips right back into not appreciating me and taking everything for granted, that's the end of it. I'll probably wish him good luck and cease being his friend, and he can learn things the hard way. I'm not being conceded, but I know what kind of person I am and I'm a damn good catch. If he doesn't understand that then he needs a couple of shit relationships to wake up, at which point I'll most likely be gone and lezing out with Megan (see platinum blonde hair joke).
Anyway, here it is.
"So I did a lot of thinking today. I think I did almost everything you've ever asked from me in favor and love. I think despite my flaws, which are apart of my personality and not kinks to be worked out, I was perfect. I loved you when you said such awful things like, "I'm actually glad she's going home in two days," and "This relationship bores me." I loved you when you weren't certain and learned and accepted you were never going to be the way you were when we were first together, and I loved you just as soundly. I read a book and started touching myself in a spot I would not normally think to do it, for you, as a gift, as something special between you and I. I worshiped you, admired you, loved you regardless of your imperfections. You were perfect to me and I saw through them even though sometimes I picked at them, but only when I couldn't tell if you loved me back. You have been inconsistent ever since I came home last summer. You have loved me and not loved me and felt nothing and wanted a break. You asked me back saying, "Let's get married."
Even Matt told you to stop treating me badly because I am good, and as good as it gets. And you agreed. But we're back here again because of school, which is a perfect and convenient excuse to escape anything, in my opinion. I have been ever loyal to you. I love you despite the 2k miles that stands between us right NOW. I work my ass off every day because I know at the end of the day it helps me get closer to you, and you have taken it all for granted, because I'm a little insecure, because I love you a little too much. I have too much self-respect to be toyed around with like this. I am not going to keep offering myself as subject to your entertainment while you inconsistently want me more than anything and only want me enough to be friends. You broke up with me through texting and I deserve so much more than that. I deserve a plane ride and a bouquet of roses and a face to face break up. I love you bit all your words, your plans and promises and all the things you want don't mean much to me now because you keep scurrying back into your hole.
I am an incredibly great catch. I'm smart and I'm funny. I read and I write and I pay attention. I notice the way you walk and I have always done my very best to take care of you, when I am with you in person and when I am not. I listen to your problems and I always ask how you're doing and I always care. I try to look pretty for you two thousand miles away. I bra g to my friends about you, and I don't keep you a secret. I love you openly and loudly. I deserve to be kept, and I want it to be by you so badly. But you keep going back on everything and leaving me when I try so hard to be good to you. I don't think you have the right to ask me to be just friends with you. I sat between two fat, loud black women to come see YOU. I wear that necklace you got me EVERY DAY. I love you and no one else and I never wonder why I'm with you when you aren't here and I never want to leave because of the fights or the stress or the differences. I never want anybody better or worse. I just want you. I want you like crazy people want to go to heaven.
So what I'm trying to get at is I'm great and I will love you better and longer and more fully than any other person you will meet. I don't need marriage or babies or a god damn fortune teller to tell me that in the long run I will need no one else to make me at ease with the world, to make me content with everything even when it's god damn cold out. You are missing the love. I KNOW I am not perfect and I know I am still growing, but so are you and we could grow together. I know you are afraid of being hurt, but look at things from my perspective for a minute. I have not told you I've wanted out since Jack, when you and I were still fresh. I know not being together is rough, I know that so well. But if I knew I would not die or get lost or worse, I would walk my way, because I can't run and you know that, to you a thousand times over. I love you a thousand times over, infinitely and all of the universe.
I'm not begging for you back. I'm not even asking for you back, immediately or otherwise--I'm just asking you, please please please, I implore you, to think about this. Think about it all, the good, the bad, the horribly awful, and the infinite potential. I handle things the wrong way sometimes or a lot of times but I am growing. So please, when you're done reading stupid stream of consciousness Mrs. Dalloway or you're eating your plain school food with your two glasses of nonfat milk and a glass of water, think about me, and you, and everything in between. Because although I'm not perfect, I think I can make you happy best."
Yeah, after just typing all this up, after texting it, I think this is it. I don't have a lot of energy for this left.