You promised me Summer, you're giving me Winter.
Parental issue has been resolved. We are free and clear of living-situation distress.
Sometimes I expect my real dad to be this knight in shining armor, to come to my rescue and save me from all the bad things, from all of the monsters. Boy am I ever wrong for that. He's just one of those shady schemers that jumps at an opportunity in looking like the good guy. I am desperately thinking of a good example but I cannot.
Bobby called tonight, unexpectedly. I was talking to my parents. My phone vibrated. I saw his name, his picture. My heart stopped, it seemed. It at least definitely skipped. I answered it without much expectation or emotion. The conversation was him pretty much talking. I said things like, "Okay," and "I'll be here if you need me, you know that." In fact I think that was all I said. What he was saying basically consisted of the opening lines, "I care about you very much and I love you a lot." The rest of the conversation was: it's not you, it's me; i need time to focus on myself because i'm mentally and emotionally confused/a mess; if it's meant to be then we'll be together, if it's not then we won't. Usually when people end up together it's because there's an effort on both parts, not a mention the craving and desire to be with that person and only that person? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's just how it goes. People don't end up together like romance-fiction novels. They don't just collide and sew their hearts together. It requires work, which he's not willing to put in. But he reiterated his love and care for me. "I know you probably don't think I care about you or this at all, but I do. You're crazy if you think I don't." Of course he left me hanging with "That's all I have to say, really," and a casual "Bye." NOT EVEN GOOD BYE, MISS YOU, SORRY I'M BEING STUPID. Just "Bye."
I love him but I am definitely not going to wait forever. I will wait as long as I can. But as soon as I cannot take it, I think that it will be safe to say that he missed the bus and a nice opportunity because I'm pretty worth it, not to sound conceited or anything, which I am not at all. But I know as far as that goes, you don't find more people loyal, devoted, or nurturing than people like me. We're few and far between and it seems like we're the ones getting taken for granted. It hurts. I'm a little upset at myself for becoming as vulnerable as I did with him. I let it happen, because I thought we were something else, something good, something that doesn't easily fall apart. This whole situation feels like thanks for the expensive gifts now get out of my house.
( four hour intermission of me not being at my computer)
Anyway, I'm just really bothered that he even had me come out and now he's doing this. Because now it's looking like a waste of time and money. It's just like, yeah, go ahead and spend lots of money to come out and be with me so I can tell you that I love you and make you feel like this is something special and that you're my girlfriend, but as soon as you go home I'm going to resume being cold and confusing. JUST A HEADS UP. I'm really bitter and cynical about it all at this point, because he's being unfair. He's taking breaks. He's making excuses. He's not thinking about me or anything.
People are suggesting I find a nice boy here. Well, first of all, if it were that easy, I would've done that already probably. Second, I don't want anybody else but Bobby. Being in love and you know, giving my heart away and all that bullshit, kind of makes other people not seem very appealing to me at this current juncture. Third, I'd rather be alone after all of this shit. I just honestly feel like he's pulling whatever cliché he can so I'll be semi-reassured but also so he can pull away for however long he feels like it.
Honestly I wish he hadn't called. I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT. "It's not you, it's me." I literally cannot get that out of my head. People shouldn't be allowed to say that.
Anyway. Other than all that stupid stuff, tonight was actually pretty good. I got to hang out with Megan, Joslyn, and Taylor N. We talked about lots of stuff: music, government policies, other stuff I can't remember. We ate BLT's and Joslyn set a paper towel on fire. We laughed a lot, which was really nice, and it distracted me. I really liked their company. They are funny, intelligent, sweet girls. OH THAT REMINDS ME, Megan informed me what an Oxford Comma is, because that is the name of a Vampire Weekend song, and we were watching Vampire Weekend Unplugged. That was fun.
Okay bed time.
Sometimes I expect my real dad to be this knight in shining armor, to come to my rescue and save me from all the bad things, from all of the monsters. Boy am I ever wrong for that. He's just one of those shady schemers that jumps at an opportunity in looking like the good guy. I am desperately thinking of a good example but I cannot.
Bobby called tonight, unexpectedly. I was talking to my parents. My phone vibrated. I saw his name, his picture. My heart stopped, it seemed. It at least definitely skipped. I answered it without much expectation or emotion. The conversation was him pretty much talking. I said things like, "Okay," and "I'll be here if you need me, you know that." In fact I think that was all I said. What he was saying basically consisted of the opening lines, "I care about you very much and I love you a lot." The rest of the conversation was: it's not you, it's me; i need time to focus on myself because i'm mentally and emotionally confused/a mess; if it's meant to be then we'll be together, if it's not then we won't. Usually when people end up together it's because there's an effort on both parts, not a mention the craving and desire to be with that person and only that person? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's just how it goes. People don't end up together like romance-fiction novels. They don't just collide and sew their hearts together. It requires work, which he's not willing to put in. But he reiterated his love and care for me. "I know you probably don't think I care about you or this at all, but I do. You're crazy if you think I don't." Of course he left me hanging with "That's all I have to say, really," and a casual "Bye." NOT EVEN GOOD BYE, MISS YOU, SORRY I'M BEING STUPID. Just "Bye."
I love him but I am definitely not going to wait forever. I will wait as long as I can. But as soon as I cannot take it, I think that it will be safe to say that he missed the bus and a nice opportunity because I'm pretty worth it, not to sound conceited or anything, which I am not at all. But I know as far as that goes, you don't find more people loyal, devoted, or nurturing than people like me. We're few and far between and it seems like we're the ones getting taken for granted. It hurts. I'm a little upset at myself for becoming as vulnerable as I did with him. I let it happen, because I thought we were something else, something good, something that doesn't easily fall apart. This whole situation feels like thanks for the expensive gifts now get out of my house.
( four hour intermission of me not being at my computer)
Anyway, I'm just really bothered that he even had me come out and now he's doing this. Because now it's looking like a waste of time and money. It's just like, yeah, go ahead and spend lots of money to come out and be with me so I can tell you that I love you and make you feel like this is something special and that you're my girlfriend, but as soon as you go home I'm going to resume being cold and confusing. JUST A HEADS UP. I'm really bitter and cynical about it all at this point, because he's being unfair. He's taking breaks. He's making excuses. He's not thinking about me or anything.
People are suggesting I find a nice boy here. Well, first of all, if it were that easy, I would've done that already probably. Second, I don't want anybody else but Bobby. Being in love and you know, giving my heart away and all that bullshit, kind of makes other people not seem very appealing to me at this current juncture. Third, I'd rather be alone after all of this shit. I just honestly feel like he's pulling whatever cliché he can so I'll be semi-reassured but also so he can pull away for however long he feels like it.
Honestly I wish he hadn't called. I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT. "It's not you, it's me." I literally cannot get that out of my head. People shouldn't be allowed to say that.
Anyway. Other than all that stupid stuff, tonight was actually pretty good. I got to hang out with Megan, Joslyn, and Taylor N. We talked about lots of stuff: music, government policies, other stuff I can't remember. We ate BLT's and Joslyn set a paper towel on fire. We laughed a lot, which was really nice, and it distracted me. I really liked their company. They are funny, intelligent, sweet girls. OH THAT REMINDS ME, Megan informed me what an Oxford Comma is, because that is the name of a Vampire Weekend song, and we were watching Vampire Weekend Unplugged. That was fun.
Okay bed time.