May 01, 2012 23:19
Over the last few days, I have been kind of depressed. Some points were not so bad, and I did reach some low points. Like on Saturday evening, I embraced my pillow as I laid on my bed, hugging it close to my body wishing it was a real person that would actually want to touch me and embrace me back. I hugged it on my bed for 10 minutes, just feeling so lonely. A pathetic moment for me.
Today, my day has been long and not fun. My work day got to a point where I got annoyed with one of my bosses who happened to decide to attend the meeting that I was helping to run for the first time in like this year. He interrupted me as I was giving an update to a project and wanted to ask about some cases for it. I mentioned that it was resolved, and then he went on to say how the project's doctor was "concerned" with our progress. I am getting sick and tired to hearing this doctor whine about the progress of this request, especially since I just saw him yesterday, and we talked about it in person. I am not sure why he had to go expressing "concern" to one of my bosses, especially a boss who barely ever cares to take the time to show up to these meetings. To the say the least, I am feeling a little pressured by these people to get this done to their satisfaction even though many of the delays were not my fault. It is a part of the process that this new project investigator does not understand, and his impatience and whining has gotten on my nerves. I swear that I seem to get all the projects where their researchers find things to complain about, mostly stupid things out of my control.
Combine this feeling of frustration with my deep sense of loneliness and insecure feelings about my body, and you get a classic numb state of being that I seem to exhibit. It just gets worse and worse and it is hard to pull out of those spirals. It sucks since I hate to tail spin into it on one of the few days of the week where I get to hang out with Nicole and Yumi. They wanted to go be social and do a track workout with people, and I was not going to be a bummer and also be uncomfortable with people there perhaps judging me and my body if they knew that I was transgender since most of these people we have worked out with before would recognize me as a guy. Nicole and Yumi did claim that they did not recognize many people, so perhaps it will not be that bad in the future.
Unfortunately, most of this evening, I sunk into that numb state of being where I feel nothing but despair and hate for myself. I pulled myself slightly out of it while we re-watched Iron Man 2. Movies are a good distraction for me to take my mind off of my depressed thoughts. I am sorry to my friends. It probably would have been better if I just stayed locked away in my dark room perhaps for the rest of the evening till I was not mentally a void of nothingness.
Let me just say that I don't hold out much hope for any close relationship in the future for myself. Not that I am that surprised anymore (I could go into a lot more detail, but that would not be fun for anyone to read, like I am sure most of this crap is not either. Hey, future me, you may read this again in the future, but hopefully you find something to finally satisfy you and bring you true happiness.) Sucks though, I am still lonely.
self confidence,
dating,
body issues,
yumi,
emotions,
sad,
love,
movies,
loneliness,
darkness,
nicole