#006 - First and foremost…
#006 - First and foremost…
Screw you Pataskala McDonalds Drive through, I hope that you all get burning genital warts and pass kidney stones like a submachine gun! Oh, and to you there Ronald, you and your McFriends in McCheeseland having all your McFuckingFun! Why the McHell couldn’t you remember to put my other McFucking McDouble McFucking CHEESEBURGER….in the McFucking McBag!!! You are all McDouchebag McBastards!!!!
Now that I have that off of my chest…I can continue on with today’s blog.
1st off a little background on my weekend, tonight I will more than likely go out to eat with my Mom and Dad…(if they pay cause I’m poor, but they love me), then go home and medicate myself on the Cav’s game and Beer. MMmmmm Beer! Then I wake up tomorrow, and I am…..ready for this…wait for itttt….wait for ittttt……heading to Cleveland for the Pearl Jam Concert! Woo Hoo! Any of you who know me, know how much I LOVE Pearl Jam, in fact Eddie Veddar is the only man who I would let hump my leg, but that’s a whole OTHER blog topic! In other words I’m pretty pumped! I have different seats than I ever have had before, behind the stage at an angle, (Stone Gossard side, maybe even Boom Casper if he is touring with them) bout 30 rows up in seats. Im pretty stoked actually. It is going to be a new experience, since last time I saw them I ended up 10 rows from the front…which was FINE with ME! Haha!
Since my post yesterday was so…ehh…kinda drab, I thought I might spice things up and tell you a little story. It’s about my best friend and I, we’ll call this friend…..Michael Lee Kaylor (to protect the guilty), but Ill call Him Mike or Retard for short. To set the scene, this was shortly after I had returned home from college to work and live (with my parents still at the time) and he had just got back from Germany where he did his 4 year stint with the Army. (OK, so they basically BEGGED him to leave, because he did so much crap over there, that will be another Mike Story time, because I could take up 3 pages just telling you his list of Article 13’s) So we both pretty much were in our drinking prime. Well the night started at his older sisters house. (We’ll call her SomeDumbSkank) Anyhow, I asked Mike what was in his large backpack the instant he picked me up at my Mom and Dad’s house….he of course told me “It’s a Surprise, Ill show you when we get to SomeDumbSkank’s house!” So upon arriving at SomeDumbSkanks house Mike produces what may be the biggest Bottle of Jack Daniels I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Take the biggest bottle of Jack that you can buy at any Liquor store, double it, and throw 3 shots on the top of it for good measure. I about popped wood and cried all at the same time! It was a thing of grace and beauty to me, and of course…the 1st words out of my mouth were “Who has Coke!? Oh and Ice…no screw the ice…just coke…” From that instant on, bartender Kaylor was in Full effect (like Jack and Coke is a hard drink to Mix). Well he instantly decided we did in fact NOT have enough Coke for all of that Jack Daniels. So in a decision of wisdom, he decided that we only needed the coke…for Color. I agreed, and we started playing a card game called “Asshole”, we had our Jack and shot of Cokes…they had beer…we lost QUICKLY!
*Insert a 2 hour time lapse here*
During this lapse in time, may I tell you what an incredibly BAD idea this turned out to be in the long run! It’s something that I did not realize until the Rocking Chair part of the story…
Anyhow, time passes, and slowly this ½ barrel of fine American Whisky (which he brought home from Germany…go figure) began to disappear…away…away…away…YEA, we finished it. In under 2 hours. Another sidebar note here is…if you need to call your friends to come pick you up to GO TO THE BAR, you might not wanna go. No matter HOW good of an idea it sounds like at the time. SOOOOO…we get dropped off by Mikes sister SomeDumbSkank and her boyfriend WhiteTrashFloyd in front of our favorite watering hole. Limey Louie’s. (which is no longer there, because the bar beside it decided to catch on fire and take Limey Louie’s with it!) We go in, meet up with our friends from High school, Christina, Racheal, and Jessica. (Loni if your reading this, I think you may have been there but I’m not for sure). Quite a few Jack Daniels and Coke later it has become 2am, well even after the malt barrel of Jack, and they multiple double and triple Jack and cokes at the bar, we decided we needed to party more. Instantly Christina says, well I have beer and a bottle of Jack back at my trailer. Instantly that becomes the NEXT GREAT IDEA of the NIGHT. (Which if you haven’t been able to pick up on, this is foreshadowing to a not so great night! Haha) So in 2 Cars…one containing Jessica and Mike, the other containing Christina and Rachel and myself we head down the road to Christina’s trailer.
Suddenly someone (I don’t exactly remember who, but ill blame it on Rachael because she has done it in the past) decided White Castle was a great idea, so cell phones blazing, we flag down Jessicas car, and we both whip it into White Castle. Knowing how intoxicated Mike was, I decided to go ahead and jump out of Rachael and Christinas car, and get into the front seat (Mike was in the back seat) of Jessicas car, I also know I was holding Jessicas money, so she would need it. After I hop up in her car we place our order, and I hand Jessica the money, we both look at the drive thru guy…the drive thru guy looks at us, the drive thru guys jaw drops, and he literally throws our food and change at us and thanks us right away….this puzzles both Jessica and myself, but we think nothing of it and pull forward and wait for our friends car who is now behind us in the drive thru line. That when I notice something….something very very VERY VERY VERY VERY…..(fuckin VERY) wrong with Mike….namely his bare ass is hanging in Jessicas back window, pointed directly at the target of Christina and Rachael. Jess is quick to ask:
“What in the HELL ARE YOU DOING MIKE!?!?”
The response he gave will astound me to this very day……
”Mooning GooB”
(for those of you who don’t know me, GooB has been my nickname for EVER).
Jessica responds “He’s in the front seat of this CAR dumb ass!!!!”
Then I did what I should have never EVER done, I turned around to look…and there, I saw Mike, no pants….no shirt…no shoes, no socks..no nothing…he is butt ass naked in the back of Jessica’s Toyota…wearing nothing but a smile…I blame this one soul event in my life for every nightmare I have ever had about Bigfoot.
After trying to convince Mike to put his clothes back on (to no avail) we get to Christina’s trailer. I then have the daunting task of talking mike into wearing something over his ying yangs, even if its his socks. Instead he chooses to put his brown Cleveland Browns jersey, wrapped around his front, do it looks like a lion cloth, and his bare ass still hanging out. He looked like something out of “The Song Of Hiawatha”, and me, being drunk, had to actually tell him that….and from the 25 yards between the car door, and the font door, he did his best Indian impersonation. Which actually was pretty good from what I can remember, but it would have been better if I didn’t have to stare at his bare ass the whole time!
Once inside we mixed up drinks, convinced Mike to put his clothes back on, and started to play some drinking game, at that point I really don’t remember. I once again am happy, content, having fun and conscious. The whole conscious part only lasted about 20 minutes, because drunk Mike thought it would be a good idea to tackle his best friend, who was sitting in a rocking chair, because I made a smart assed comment at him. I had a full glad of Jack and Coke in my hands and he comes leaping like a cat over the coffee table. Needless to say I didn’t stay upright for more than 2 seconds…my head slammed off the wall, and then the floor, and there I lay, out COLD for at least 30 seconds….the amazing part of it all…I didn’t spill 1 drop of my drink. I had the drinking Gods on my side that night, but minutes turned to hours, and I found a nice couch to pass out on a while after that.
The next morning I wake up to wondering why I had hair growing on my tongue, and exactly why that semi truck ran over my head, and I actually think I was still drunk, I don’t know for sure. So naturally I go to the bathroom….and then I hear a noise…ist coming from Christina’s bedroom…its snoring, and its NOT CHRISTINA! I hurry up with my morning duties, bust through the door, and for the second time in 12 hours I dee Mike in his birthday suit! OK…Mike and Christina was a SHOCKER to begin with, so I go to Mike and kick him about as hard as I can in the ribs.
“Wake up Retard!!”
“GooB!?!? Where the hell am I?”
“You’re in HEATH man, now get up and get dressed”
Mike then looks out the blinds behind the bed…..”Ive never seen Heath Quite like THIS before!”
So we quietly make our way out.
*FAST FORWARD 2 WEEKS*
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hello
Rachael: Christina is Pregnant!!!
Me: I didn’t do it!!!
Rachael: I know
Me: Oh shit..Mike!!!!
Rachel: *laughing* No…he couldn’t get it up…..
Me: Thank GOD for Whisky Dick!!!
*Fast Forward 2 hours*
Back in my bedroom at Mom and Dad’s house.
Me: Mike I have something to tell you…..
Mike: What man…whats wrong!?
Me: Remember that night at Christina’s??
Mike: Not really…
Me: Remember you waking up there naked??
Mike: Oh YEAAAAA!!! That was…
Me: Mike Christina’s Pregnant (I know I know I’m an asshole)
Mike: Uh oh..but…muh…me??
Me: No Mike you couldn’t get it up…
Mike: THANK GOD FOR WHISKEY DICK!!!!!!
My Mom in the Living room: MICHAEL LEE KAYLOR, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?
Mike: *sticks his head out the door of my bedroom towards my Mom* THANK GOD FOR WHISKY DICK!!!
Mom: I don’t EVEN want to know.
So that my friends, is the saga of Mike….One of many I will tell, but this is a classic all in its own.
I leave you now with eth Question of the day…..
If I were a hammer…who would I hammer 1st…Drew Barrymore…or Ginger Spice?
Screw you Pataskala McDonalds Drive through, I hope that you all get burning genital warts and pass kidney stones like a submachine gun! Oh, and to you there Ronald, you and your McFriends in McCheeseland having all your McFuckingFun! Why the McHell couldn’t you remember to put my other McFucking McDouble McFucking CHEESEBURGER….in the McFucking McBag!!! You are all McDouchebag McBastards!!!!
Now that I have that off of my chest…I can continue on with today’s blog.
1st off a little background on my weekend, tonight I will more than likely go out to eat with my Mom and Dad…(if they pay cause I’m poor, but they love me), then go home and medicate myself on the Cav’s game and Beer. MMmmmm Beer! Then I wake up tomorrow, and I am…..ready for this…wait for itttt….wait for ittttt……heading to Cleveland for the Pearl Jam Concert! Woo Hoo! Any of you who know me, know how much I LOVE Pearl Jam, in fact Eddie Veddar is the only man who I would let hump my leg, but that’s a whole OTHER blog topic! In other words I’m pretty pumped! I have different seats than I ever have had before, behind the stage at an angle, (Stone Gossard side, maybe even Boom Casper if he is touring with them) bout 30 rows up in seats. Im pretty stoked actually. It is going to be a new experience, since last time I saw them I ended up 10 rows from the front…which was FINE with ME! Haha!
Since my post yesterday was so…ehh…kinda drab, I thought I might spice things up and tell you a little story. It’s about my best friend and I, we’ll call this friend…..Michael Lee Kaylor (to protect the guilty), but Ill call Him Mike or Retard for short. To set the scene, this was shortly after I had returned home from college to work and live (with my parents still at the time) and he had just got back from Germany where he did his 4 year stint with the Army. (OK, so they basically BEGGED him to leave, because he did so much crap over there, that will be another Mike Story time, because I could take up 3 pages just telling you his list of Article 13’s) So we both pretty much were in our drinking prime. Well the night started at his older sisters house. (We’ll call her SomeDumbSkank) Anyhow, I asked Mike what was in his large backpack the instant he picked me up at my Mom and Dad’s house….he of course told me “It’s a Surprise, Ill show you when we get to SomeDumbSkank’s house!” So upon arriving at SomeDumbSkanks house Mike produces what may be the biggest Bottle of Jack Daniels I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Take the biggest bottle of Jack that you can buy at any Liquor store, double it, and throw 3 shots on the top of it for good measure. I about popped wood and cried all at the same time! It was a thing of grace and beauty to me, and of course…the 1st words out of my mouth were “Who has Coke!? Oh and Ice…no screw the ice…just coke…” From that instant on, bartender Kaylor was in Full effect (like Jack and Coke is a hard drink to Mix). Well he instantly decided we did in fact NOT have enough Coke for all of that Jack Daniels. So in a decision of wisdom, he decided that we only needed the coke…for Color. I agreed, and we started playing a card game called “Asshole”, we had our Jack and shot of Cokes…they had beer…we lost QUICKLY!
*Insert a 2 hour time lapse here*
During this lapse in time, may I tell you what an incredibly BAD idea this turned out to be in the long run! It’s something that I did not realize until the Rocking Chair part of the story…
Anyhow, time passes, and slowly this ½ barrel of fine American Whisky (which he brought home from Germany…go figure) began to disappear…away…away…away…YEA, we finished it. In under 2 hours. Another sidebar note here is…if you need to call your friends to come pick you up to GO TO THE BAR, you might not wanna go. No matter HOW good of an idea it sounds like at the time. SOOOOO…we get dropped off by Mikes sister SomeDumbSkank and her boyfriend WhiteTrashFloyd in front of our favorite watering hole. Limey Louie’s. (which is no longer there, because the bar beside it decided to catch on fire and take Limey Louie’s with it!) We go in, meet up with our friends from High school, Christina, Racheal, and Jessica. (Loni if your reading this, I think you may have been there but I’m not for sure). Quite a few Jack Daniels and Coke later it has become 2am, well even after the malt barrel of Jack, and they multiple double and triple Jack and cokes at the bar, we decided we needed to party more. Instantly Christina says, well I have beer and a bottle of Jack back at my trailer. Instantly that becomes the NEXT GREAT IDEA of the NIGHT. (Which if you haven’t been able to pick up on, this is foreshadowing to a not so great night! Haha) So in 2 Cars…one containing Jessica and Mike, the other containing Christina and Rachel and myself we head down the road to Christina’s trailer.
Suddenly someone (I don’t exactly remember who, but ill blame it on Rachael because she has done it in the past) decided White Castle was a great idea, so cell phones blazing, we flag down Jessicas car, and we both whip it into White Castle. Knowing how intoxicated Mike was, I decided to go ahead and jump out of Rachael and Christinas car, and get into the front seat (Mike was in the back seat) of Jessicas car, I also know I was holding Jessicas money, so she would need it. After I hop up in her car we place our order, and I hand Jessica the money, we both look at the drive thru guy…the drive thru guy looks at us, the drive thru guys jaw drops, and he literally throws our food and change at us and thanks us right away….this puzzles both Jessica and myself, but we think nothing of it and pull forward and wait for our friends car who is now behind us in the drive thru line. That when I notice something….something very very VERY VERY VERY VERY…..(fuckin VERY) wrong with Mike….namely his bare ass is hanging in Jessicas back window, pointed directly at the target of Christina and Rachael. Jess is quick to ask:
“What in the HELL ARE YOU DOING MIKE!?!?”
The response he gave will astound me to this very day……
”Mooning GooB”
(for those of you who don’t know me, GooB has been my nickname for EVER).
Jessica responds “He’s in the front seat of this CAR dumb ass!!!!”
Then I did what I should have never EVER done, I turned around to look…and there, I saw Mike, no pants….no shirt…no shoes, no socks..no nothing…he is butt ass naked in the back of Jessica’s Toyota…wearing nothing but a smile…I blame this one soul event in my life for every nightmare I have ever had about Bigfoot.
After trying to convince Mike to put his clothes back on (to no avail) we get to Christina’s trailer. I then have the daunting task of talking mike into wearing something over his ying yangs, even if its his socks. Instead he chooses to put his brown Cleveland Browns jersey, wrapped around his front, do it looks like a lion cloth, and his bare ass still hanging out. He looked like something out of “The Song Of Hiawatha”, and me, being drunk, had to actually tell him that….and from the 25 yards between the car door, and the font door, he did his best Indian impersonation. Which actually was pretty good from what I can remember, but it would have been better if I didn’t have to stare at his bare ass the whole time!
Once inside we mixed up drinks, convinced Mike to put his clothes back on, and started to play some drinking game, at that point I really don’t remember. I once again am happy, content, having fun and conscious. The whole conscious part only lasted about 20 minutes, because drunk Mike thought it would be a good idea to tackle his best friend, who was sitting in a rocking chair, because I made a smart assed comment at him. I had a full glad of Jack and Coke in my hands and he comes leaping like a cat over the coffee table. Needless to say I didn’t stay upright for more than 2 seconds…my head slammed off the wall, and then the floor, and there I lay, out COLD for at least 30 seconds….the amazing part of it all…I didn’t spill 1 drop of my drink. I had the drinking Gods on my side that night, but minutes turned to hours, and I found a nice couch to pass out on a while after that.
The next morning I wake up to wondering why I had hair growing on my tongue, and exactly why that semi truck ran over my head, and I actually think I was still drunk, I don’t know for sure. So naturally I go to the bathroom….and then I hear a noise…ist coming from Christina’s bedroom…its snoring, and its NOT CHRISTINA! I hurry up with my morning duties, bust through the door, and for the second time in 12 hours I dee Mike in his birthday suit! OK…Mike and Christina was a SHOCKER to begin with, so I go to Mike and kick him about as hard as I can in the ribs.
“Wake up Retard!!”
“GooB!?!? Where the hell am I?”
“You’re in HEATH man, now get up and get dressed”
Mike then looks out the blinds behind the bed…..”Ive never seen Heath Quite like THIS before!”
So we quietly make our way out.
*FAST FORWARD 2 WEEKS*
*Phone Rings*
Me: Hello
Rachael: Christina is Pregnant!!!
Me: I didn’t do it!!!
Rachael: I know
Me: Oh shit..Mike!!!!
Rachel: *laughing* No…he couldn’t get it up…..
Me: Thank GOD for Whisky Dick!!!
*Fast Forward 2 hours*
Back in my bedroom at Mom and Dad’s house.
Me: Mike I have something to tell you…..
Mike: What man…whats wrong!?
Me: Remember that night at Christina’s??
Mike: Not really…
Me: Remember you waking up there naked??
Mike: Oh YEAAAAA!!! That was…
Me: Mike Christina’s Pregnant (I know I know I’m an asshole)
Mike: Uh oh..but…muh…me??
Me: No Mike you couldn’t get it up…
Mike: THANK GOD FOR WHISKEY DICK!!!!!!
My Mom in the Living room: MICHAEL LEE KAYLOR, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?
Mike: *sticks his head out the door of my bedroom towards my Mom* THANK GOD FOR WHISKY DICK!!!
Mom: I don’t EVEN want to know.
So that my friends, is the saga of Mike….One of many I will tell, but this is a classic all in its own.
I leave you now with eth Question of the day…..
If I were a hammer…who would I hammer 1st…Drew Barrymore…or Ginger Spice?