ascent?
making notes here about my current clarity
it’s so easy and important to eat the right foods and drink lots of water
i also feel better when i don’t eat at all from time to time
i love getting out of the house even if i’m alone, even if i don’t talk to anyone or get anything out of it. just experiencing life is worth it.
i deserve to feel sexy and powerful and also, no one person owes me that
waking up 30 minutes earlier is a magical recipe. walking Salem for longer and giving myself an extra ten minutes to just shift into wakefulness before i tuck and roll into work is a valuable move.
i am more shy, more reserved, more afraid when i smoke pot. i am more eager to get out of the house and be brave and confident when i am sober. smoking should be reserved for lazy days or nights in and painting.
i have every right to feel my feelings, but feeling the same feelings and doing the same things at this point is a silly bluff, at best. i know better. i know trial and error. i know pivoting.
a cozy burrow can easily become a caved in prison if you don’t leave the house enough.
lastly, but maybe most importantly, i have to accept that i am not a total victim of circumstance. if i want to do something, i am wholly capable of doing it, regardless of whether someone is holding my hand. the things that have happened to me in the past are true for a younger me, but they are not true now.