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i started working out and meditating every day and despite the fact that i've got some kind of cold i feel so much better than i normally do around this time of year. i skipped the rougher parts of the cycle altogether - or rather, i didn't allow any episodes to destroy anything which is cool. honest, so relationship is still intact. never giving up, so work is good. reaching out just enough to quell my social nerves. having a place all to myself with just salem is a goddamn dream, and i really don't think it's gonna snow any more this year so it's almost time for hiking, geocaching, sightseeing, getting wasted and walking home, maybe even surfing? idk collin surfs but i'm scared and the water here is so cold :(((( he also wants to take me with him to CO this summer to hang out with his rich af great uncle which is like wow.
i've been really trying to change a lot of ways that i think, and one of those ways is that i'm completely separate from everyone else and i can't enjoy their lives with them. i couldn't possibly go with him to CO because it's not my place. i don't like to go with him to parties because idk anyone and it's not my place. i don't want to befriend his friends because again - not mine and never was. but why isn't it? why have i never recognized the abundance of love and wealth and health thats sprawled out in every direction? why haven't i considered letting myself enjoy more than just solitude and survival with no shame? things i want to change.
i had a dream last night wracked with this... weird nostalgic feeling but it was like a syruppy sick feeling. of kissing someone i shouldn't. of being with one person and wanting to be with someone else, or dancing a dance between wanting to leave someone and just wanting to leave temporarily. bad decisions. i woke up feeling guilty as hell. i don't know who the people in my dream were, but it has always been the same general feeling. syruppy sick detachment hanging loosely to one thing and reaching for another. fucking disgusting.
i've been really trying to change a lot of ways that i think, and one of those ways is that i'm completely separate from everyone else and i can't enjoy their lives with them. i couldn't possibly go with him to CO because it's not my place. i don't like to go with him to parties because idk anyone and it's not my place. i don't want to befriend his friends because again - not mine and never was. but why isn't it? why have i never recognized the abundance of love and wealth and health thats sprawled out in every direction? why haven't i considered letting myself enjoy more than just solitude and survival with no shame? things i want to change.
i had a dream last night wracked with this... weird nostalgic feeling but it was like a syruppy sick feeling. of kissing someone i shouldn't. of being with one person and wanting to be with someone else, or dancing a dance between wanting to leave someone and just wanting to leave temporarily. bad decisions. i woke up feeling guilty as hell. i don't know who the people in my dream were, but it has always been the same general feeling. syruppy sick detachment hanging loosely to one thing and reaching for another. fucking disgusting.