posted on myspace too.
today was weird.
i loved every second i got to spend with lara.
that was the best part.
but there was so much emotion i saw&felt throughout the day.
josh felt today how i felt 2 weeks ago.
i almost cried.
i found somethings that made me right in my assumptions.
lili lied to me.
period.
why would you have drawings on your binder if you dont like that person?
why would you write in your binder
" ____ <3's ____ "
if you didn't?
why would you have signs they made you?
lili, i hope you read this.
i trusted you.
i did cry today due to what i saw.
it's my own fault.
i didnt have to look.
i didnt have to KEEP looking once i saw one thing.
but i knew there was more. and i was right.
noone saw me cry. and i liked that.
why cant i just drop him like he did me?
why cant i just find someone knew and STOP comparing them?
why does it feel like wont be able to trust anyone else?
because my feelings were sincere.
they were never once questioned or put into jeapordy by another person.
but thats the difference between him and I.
i feel like im falling apart again.
today when i reached home, i called ashleigh.
she didnt seem too enthused about anything.
i dont like to hear her sad.
when she hurts, i hurt.
no joke.
to top this all off,
im begining to have feelings for someone.
someone who isnt involved with anyone else.
so, their available.
but.
im so scared to admit what is happening in my head to anyone.
im scared of being rejected.
im scared of being taken advantage of.
im scared of not being good enough..again.
i wish i could live in a house with lara, & ashleigh.
they are there for me no matter what.
at least it feels that way.
mallory too.
i remember when matt broke up with me,
everyone jumped at the occasion to be my friend.
everyone was so worried about me.
and now that i can smile,
its like "oh whatever".
i feel so terrible right now.
its like, no matter what i do,
ill never be enough.
not for my parents, not for my friends, not for a relationship.
i put everything i ever could into my relationship with matt.
you all that know me, know that.
but,
it
wasnt
enough.
i was supposed to hangout with thomas ashleigh & josh tonight.
i just called and cancelled.
why am i crying.
its like im doing this to myself.
i CAN move on.
i know that i can.
im just more petrified than ever.
and im hurting so many people right now.
i dont want to cause people hurt.
i hope you beleive me when i say that.
i dont want anyone to feel like i did.
or even do.
im hurting josh moore.
im hurting jon brown.
im hurting myself.
it feels like im watching my life from the outside
and im taking notes.