fic: i never said you could love me
i never said you could love me.
bones rpf. season two. pg.
tj/michaela & emily/david
she adds secret lovers on the list of things she's still not used to, but accepts like every other challenge that comes her way.
david walks in and stops at the sight of another man. "what is he doing here?"
she stands, walking over to him. "are you jealous?"
david laughs. "of course not."
emily smiles, standing on her tippy toes to kiss him on the cheek. "i need to rehearse with tj for our gravedigger scenes." david runs his hand down the length of her arm, stopping and grabbing her wrist to prevent her from walking away. "can't you go one week without me?" she asks, eyebrow raised.
"never," he says. he lets go, eventually.
--
he says to her, you can't stay. "you can't stay here when i do this."
she stares, waits. she moistens her lips and places one hand on her hip, intrigued. "why?"
he keeps touching at his makeup, red and brown dye staining his fingers. he looks down, avoiding her. "i just can't concentrate when i know you're watching me."
she smiles. "aw, sweetie" she says, partly because it's habit and partly because she takes it the wrong way. tj grimaces, she sees it.
"look," he starts. he doesn't know how to explain. he talks with his hands. "i'm buried underground, right? my leg's been cut in half, air supply is diminishing by the minute, and all i can think about is you. all i want is to stay alive, to get back to you. i can't do that if i can see you watching me out of the corner of my eye." he pauses, unable to read her expression. "you're too much of a distraction. i need to be in it, you know?"
michaela slaps his hand away from picking at his fake scabs. "stop that," she says. "i guess i'll see you next week." she doesn't mention that she could stay out of sight, out of reach. she doesn't point out that the cameras and lights and crew would distract him more than she ever could.
emily tells her, later: take it as a compliment.
--
she has coffee on sunday, before emily leaves to rehearse with david. in her mind, she puts those words in quotations-- because she knows what they really do on sunday afternoons, cramped tight inside emily's empty apartment.
"you know hart is pushing this thing forward, right? i mean, yeah there was this thing towards the end of last year, but i don't know what it was. i don't know if it's still there. and now he wants us to get married?"
emily shrugs, "you should really talk to him."
michaela shakes her head. "i know. but--" and changes the subject then. emily is too distracted to provide empathy and attention.
--
she pulls the white cotton sheet over her chest. still breathless, david rolls to his side.
"why do you do that?" he asks. emily shrugs. he pulls the sheet down to their calves, kicks the comforter off the bed. "i like seeing all of you," he smiles devilishly. "especially after sex. in fact, we should always be naked when we're alone together."
emily laughs and counters with eyebrow raise and head nod. "oh yeah?" she asks, looking down at him. david follows her stare, blushes, and pulls the blanket back up to cover their waists.
"okay," he says. "maybe not all the time."
--
"so, looks like we're all in," tj says walking over toward her, sipping his coffee and waiting for the scene to start.
michaela nods, thinking sure, whatever you say because it's too early on a monday morning to be talking about whatever he's trying to talk about. she watches the lights go up, then down, then back up again. the director is yelling and it's a bad sign for the week ahead.
there's a long pause, and they both feel the awkwardness between them. then-- "so how does your boyfriend feel about it?"
she swallows. "about what?"
"you know, the blossoming romance between our characters." and tj goes shy with boyish embarrassment and we're not supposed to cross that line. "nevermind," he says. "that was a stupid question. forget i said anything."
she lets him stir for a moment in silence, until "i wouldn't know," she says. "we broke up over the summer."
--
david is busy taping his lines to the steering wheel of the car as emily gets her hair and makeup fixed. she smiles to herself, thinking look at us. look at what we do with ourselves because really, she's still not used to being a hollywood princess and television star.
"ready?" he asks.
"you betcha," and they pound their fists together.
it's their trademark, you see. and david tells her, think of it as two bodies coming together to form one. "you mean two minds," she says. no-- two bodies. it's much sexier that way. and winks.
she adds secret lovers on the list of things she's still not used to, but accepts like every other challenge that comes her way.
--
"what is he doing here?" david asks, walking into emily's apartment on a sunday afternoon. this time, he means it.
"rehearsal," she replies abruptly. remember now, its not polite to argue in front of guests. and eddie doesn't have a lip-sealed contract with the show, which means for four and a half weeks they have to pretend that everyone around them doesn't know they're having an affair. "hart recommended it," she says. "he figures if we get the tension and chemistry down now, filming won't take as long."
"i don't mind the long days," david says, stubborn and childish. but no one listens.
--
it's awkward between them, and everyone can see it. after the fourth take of it still not being right, the director yells "cut!" and calls for an early lunch break. michaela storms off to her trailer, embarassed and angry with herself. tj follows.
"what's going on?" he asks her.
she sighs, slumping down on her couch. "i just . . . i don't know where i stand anymore."
"with what?"
she raises her eyebrow, rolls her eyes.
"michaela. . . " he says, because he doesn't understand. he wants to, but she's holding back and yeah alright, he's felt it now for awhile.
"what are we doing?" she asks. "something happened last year that made hart look at us differently. and it's like, ever since angela and hodgins kissed, we've been off. we've been off," she clarifies, "you and me. and now its affecting my work."
tj stares at the ground, his fingers fiddling together. it's his nervous tick, his giveaway for uncomfortable silence. and usually, she'd find it adorable. except now, she just wishes he'd look at her already and tell her something. anything. tell her that this is all in her head and she needs to snap out of it.
"i know," he says quietly.
there's an exhalation of pent up frustration and confusion as he runs his hands through his hair and sits across from her in the chair. they're not supposed to be doing this, you know. it's the writer's and producer's worst nightmare when actors turn into real life couples. what if they break up? what about the character romances? can we still film the sex scene? and he's sure that one day they'll have to sign a contract that says i will not sleep with my fellow actor while working on the same production.
michaela rubs her forehead. there's a headache coming on, she can feel it, and this is a terrible conversation to be having at this time of day. "c'mon," she says. "let's get lunch and finish this scene."
"we'll talk about this later?" he asks.
she says "maybe", thinking more of not really, but it comes out sounding like an okay.
--
"remind me to thank michaela," he mumbles to her as she's fixing his tie.
emily shakes her head, knowing what he's implying. "she's going through some things. don't bother her."
he shrugs. "still," but he doesn't mean it and basically, he's just looking for a way to get under he skin again. she's having too much fun with this sully romance and he'll admit it-- he's jealous.
--
so here's the thing: next time, it's during a scene when cam is supposed to walk in on them kissing. except that tamara misses her cue and michaela is just standing there, running her fingers through his hair until he bites her lip like that, and she's pretty sure she lets out a moan from the depths of her throat. and maybe, just maybe, her stomach flips inside a little.
when he pulls away, eyes big and a look like did that really just happen? she's sure the sound was loud enough for everyone to hear.
--
"i'm not amused," he tells her on the side of the set, grabbing her wrist. "stop acting like that."
emily eyes travel down to his locked embrace. "like what?" she throws out, and it's tired and bitter because they're well underway into the fourteenth hour and everyone just wants to go home already.
"you're being all flirty and giddy with him," rushes from his lips in a frenzy of hoarse whispers. "you're overacting and putting way too much emotion into these scenes." he pauses, she stares at him. "i don't like you with him."
"you're going to do this here? oh, knock it off, david," and she can't believe he's making a scene. "i'm not your goddamn wife," she spits out, and yanks her arm away from him.
--
in the morning, there's a knock on her trailer door. it's timid and quiet and she tells it, "i don't want to talk to you right now," because she's still upset over yesterday.
there's a cough and a shuffle of feet. "um, it's me," says tj and emily apologizes.
"has she said anything to you?" he asks.
emily shrugs in sympathy. she'd much rather be in his position than hers right now. "yes, but you know i can't tell you. i'm sorry." he nods, defeated, and she wishes she could just get them in a room alone together so that they could figure out how they feel about each other.
tj turns to leave, but stops before the door. he wears that serious look on his face and his blue eyes narrow in on hers. "how do i get her to open up?" he asks. "every time i've tried . . . it's just-- she's got this wall built up around her. and i don't know how to break through."
the corner of her lips turn up. "alcohol helps," but tj doesn't see the amusement of it. "she's a very independent girl," emily adds. "but i know that breaking up with her boyfriend wasn't an easy thing to do."
--
"are you still mad at me?"
"yes."
"because you think i'm being unfairly jealous?"
"yes."
"good," he says, and emily resists the urge to throw his words back into his face. "it'll come through in our scenes together."
and it's stunning the way he moves through husband, co star, lover in one fluid motion. he's an actor, alright, and her father always told her they were never any good.
--
"we need to talk."
he blocks her exit and she rolls her eyes. "i'm tired, tj. can't this wait until tomorrow?"
he says "no," and steps closer. "why did you break up with your boyfriend?"
and michaela is pretty much appalled by his candor when she replies with, "that's none of your business." she tries to move past him but he grabs her arm. he may be shorter than her, but he's scrappy and intimidating when he wants to be.
"we need to get through this," he says. "if david and em can be fighting every other week and still make it look like they're crazy about each other, then so can we."
she snorts. "that's because they are crazy about each other! they've only been screwing like rabbits for what-- like, the past year?" tj doesn't react to her statement but she adds, "and don't ever repeat that because they'd both give me hell for it."
her defenses are down, he notices, now that she's emotionally and physically spent from the past week's long hours and rigid schedule. he sees how her shoulders slump, how her eyes are brimmed with the emotion she keeps bottled away inside. her lips create just the slightest hint of a frown, so much different from the ever present smile she escorts on most days.
he has a thing for lips, you know. they tell so much about a person. and he's fascinated by the way they move and how something so soft and sensual controls everything you have to say. tamara helps him realize this-- alone one night over drinks when the rest of their friends have left. she says something about you never stay focused on my eyes and he shrugs with an i can't help it.
he finds he's more apt to do this with her though. it's always about her. and maybe, if he thinks hard enough, this is why he decides to kiss her.
he could blame so many other things, whether it's his own loneliness or sympathy for hers. but really-- he's always wanted to explore more of what they had before. before-- when they were away from the set, away from the familiar faces and watchful eyes. when it was nighttime and there were swings and he really was mesmerized by her smile. before-- when it was summer and they were promoting season one and he surprised her with a teddy bear for her birthday. she kissed him on the cheek then, but he had moved just the slightest and so the center of her lips caught the corner of his. even from the beginning, when she walked into the room and he knew then that she was the most unique creature he had ever met.
he smiles into her when he feels her hand run through his hair. she's not pulling away and it's a good sign. she's not fighting him anymore, and maybe, this is what they've been needing since the beginning.
--
they have this thing, you know, and it's complicated. she knows it's wrong and how it feels so right, and how one day she knows that she'll be the one to end it-- only because he'll never have the courage to do the same.
but for now, she can't help but smile when he makes faces at her through the microscope lens. when he leaves her stuffed animals with a note saying i'm sorry i'm such a big jerk. she'll even forgive him (eventually) when he steps in to tell the director, no-- they don't need another sex scene. we get it, they're in love. lets move on. and somehow, everyone is convinced and so the scene is dropped for more important things.
they keep each other amused, and that's important.
maybe that's why they work so well together.
or hey-- maybe that's why she's willing to call this love.
the end.
+ author's note: i'm not sure how i feel about this one. it's been sitting on my desk for so long and i've reread / reworked it so many times that it doesn't hit me has hard as some others. but alas, who couldn't resist some good bones rpf? :D