Feb 16, 2006 17:42
yeahh
i really cant wait to be home
i associate home with freedom and carelessness
i feel really lonely and empty and robotic at school
get up
go to school
do what they say
swim
eat
study
sleep
its the same thing everyday
and i look at the girls around me a lot and im just like craappp what am i doing here? i dont connect with any of them really. its frightening. and i dont like how my parents dont believe me about anything. im scared that the school wont let me become a day student for some reason like they think that ive 'blossomed' as a boarder
which is true ive matured since i came here but thats because i was put in a totally new place full of new people and i was extremely unhappy and all i had was myself to make it through and eventually i sort of did. i know my dad says its preparing me for life and that life isnt always fair but why make yourself go through things that make you unhappy if there are easy alternatives that would make you happy??? i hate how this school gives everyone such a gloomy, malicious outlook on life. if you dont completely work your ass off all the time then you will not succeed. you have to make yourself unhappy in order to find happiness because then you have found out a way to fake it so well that you even fool yourself and in my opinion its all very disgusting. i hate that saying 'fake it til you make it' my dad always tells me when im at school. whats weird is that lately hes been calling my school 'the prison'. he will joke around that when i get off campus or go home im 'breaking out of prison' so for a while i thought he kind of understood but it seems like hes just poking fun at me that im stuck here and he has all of the control
i feel like i will never be close with my parents
i really love both of them but i never see them and when i do they are so frustrated that they never see me and that im unhappy that they just get mad at me. my mom has gotten better overall but its still that 'teenager daughter and middle aged mom' stereotypical relationship. i really do try to get along with her. i spend nights at home and watch tv with her and try to cook with her and everything but when i go out with friends she takes it as i dont want to spend time with her and when im silent she takes it as im moping. it really disgusts me what my school did to me. i hate how the urge you not to feel. our campus is a bubble. im kind of unsure whether people really learn better social skills here. it just makes them kind of self conscious because we are made fun of for being an all girls school. and it makes you feel really lonely because you pretty much are alone most of the time. alone and/or completely independent. its kind of scary to think im independent and live without my parents. i dont usually listen to bright eyes but i did today in art because i had a bad night. i never really listened to ne thing on digital ash in a digital urn but i did today and im glad because i think its better than their other stuff.
"Hit The Switch"
I'm staring out into that vacuum again
from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive, I'm all there is
and I start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stoplights
you seem ready to walk
you know I'll call you eventually
when I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible
cause there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
and in the middle of drinks
maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing.
well I need a break from the city again
I think I'll ship myself back west
I've got a friend there she says,
"hey anytime"
unless that offers expired
I have been less than frequent
she's under no obligation
to indulge every whim
and I'm so ungrateful, I take
she gives and forgives and I keep forgetting it
and each morning she wakes
with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed
in her beautiful mind
i say, "I'll trade you one
for two nightmares of mine,
I have somewhere I die,
I have somewhere we all die"
I'm thinking of quitting drinking again
I know I've said that a couple of times
and I'm always changing my mind
well I guess I am
but there's this burn in my stomach
and there's this pain in my side
and when I kneel at the toilet
and the morning's clean light
pours in through the window
sometimes I pray I don't die
I'm a goddamn hypocrite
but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
there is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live
and so I do what I do, and at least I exist
what could mean more than this?
what would mean more, mean more?
that song is kind of how i felt after finishing the perks of being a wallflower. i wasnt feeling so good because a lot of stuff reminded me of myself and things i felt especially at the beginning of the year and then i realized i still felt/thought some of those things and it scared me because im supposed to be getting better but i guess we all get low sometimes and if thats true then i wish it werent treated as anything different because im a normal person
"I Believe In Symmetry"
Some plans were made and rice was thrown
A house was built, a baby born
How time can move both fast and slow
Amazes me
And so I raise my glass to symmetry
To the second hand and its accuracy
To the actual size of everything
The desert is the sand
You can't hold it in your hand
It won't bow to your demands
There's no difference you can make
There's no difference you can make
And if it seems like an accident
A collage of senselessness
You aren't looking hard enough
I wasn't looking hard enough at it
An argument for consciousness
The instinct of the blind insect
Who makes love to the flower bed
And dies in the first freeze
Oh I want to learn such simple things
No politics, no history
Till what I want and what I need
Can finally be the same
I just got myself to blame
Is everything up to fate
When there's choices I could make
When there's choices I could make
Yeah, my heart needs a polygraph
Always so eager to pack my bags
When I really wanna stay
When I really wanna stay
When I wanna stay [4x]
The arc of time, the stench of sex
The innocence you can't protect
Each quarter note, each marble step
Walk up and down that lonely treble clef
Each wanting the next one
Each wanting the next one to arrive
Each wanting the next one
Each wanting the next one to arrive
An argument for consciousness
The instinct of the blind insect
Who never thinks
Not to accept its fate, that's faith
There is happiness in death
You get to the next one
You get to the next on down the line
You get to the next one
You get to the next on down the line
The levity of longing that
Distills each dream inside my head
By morning watered down forget
On silver stars I wish and wish and wish
From one to the next one
From one to the next right down the line
From one to the next one
From one to the next right down the line
You get to the next one
You get to the next on down the line
You get to the next one
You get to the next on down the line
thats a good song too
well its nearly 6 oclock and they have trained us school girls to be hungry then
and its good that i stop here or else i would keep going and it probably wouldnt get much better