Let's ride, let's go. Get loose, get crunk, get drunk get blown. That's right, let's roll ;)
Sometimes I seriously scare the fuck out of myself, for no reason. I think about things, and it freaks me out. Now that I'm writing about it, I already kind of feel dumb. But lately I've been thinking about the future, and how I'm going to look back on my life and see all the time I wasted, all the things I could have done differently, how little time I spent constructively or wisely and how I'm practically doing nothing to better my situation. Granted, I don't have it bad at all. I have a beautiful house to live in with the best family in the entire world, the beach is a minute down the street, I have the BEST friends a girl could ever ask for and I don't have a job. But the not having a job part is KILLING ME. I'm still living off the money I have, which definitely will run out soon, but I'm really, seriously pissed off that no one around here is hiring. I HATE living in a tourist town for that reason :( And the only real reason I want a job is to pay off my debt so I can go back to school. FUCK. People take education for granted, and bitch about all the shit they have to do in college. I would KILL to be up till 4, 5, 6 am every night writing papers and studying my ass off. I want to spend HOURS in the darkroom coming out smelling like the worst chemicals ever and have to run right to a job afterwards. I want the busy, chaotic, college life again. I fucking HATE debt and I hate student loans. And I'm trying my hardest to pay them off as quickly as possible so I can take out another one and go back. I need to. I fiend knowledge all the time. I read a million books, and when I start to run out of things to read about, I look up new issues or subjects and obsess myself with them until I know everything. I just love learning. And since I've pretty much been a useless human being lately, my creative writing flow has just STOPPED. I seriously find it difficult to update my livejournal now. I can't even believe it. I used to be able to write until my hand fell off, and now I'm in a writer's block ditch. Lame.
I think I'm going to some thrift stores tomorrow, then I'm gonna call Katie and see if I can borrow Rocky for a couple hours and take him hiking with me. I need some sort of inspiration, and the woods work very nicely. Plus, Rocky will LOVE going out for a walk. I bet he misses Vanessa so much already :(
I miss everyone in Boston so much. I have to go back there. But then I stop and think about how much I missed Ct when I was there. I missed the quiet, the beaches, my family and my puppy. It's so hard to part with everything, but I think I have to. I've promised myself my whole life that I would not get stuck in New England. I'm too much for this area. I need something new and exciting. I really need to just go. Just get out of here and it doesn't matter where to as long as I can do my own thing and be happy doing it. Hell, I'd even settle for not being happy if it meant a change of pace for a while. I feel so...stale. I can't think of a better word for it, but I guess that sums it up, in a 4th grade vocabulary kind of way.
The places I've been thinking about moving, if I decide not to go back to Boston (which I'm just so torn about lately) are Florida, I know I could probably move close to Jeph and make him show me around/teach me the ways of the durrty durrty ;) and it's warm as hell there. And CHEAP! The only thing I hate about Florida is the damn humidity. I mean, come on. I have straight hair and Fl weather makes it frizzy. That's a terrible sign. So we'll keep that one in mind. Chicago is the city I'm ready to fall in love with. I know I've always said I want year round warmth, but from what I've heard, Chicago has a charm that no other city has. Even though it's fucking COLD there. And, as always, I've been thinking about California. I don't think I can bring myself to move there anymore though. I guess after the whole Nathan thing it really lost it's appeal. I loved California so much. It's gorgeous, breathtaking and almost perfect, but I just don't know. It's a weird feeling for something to lose it's appeal after wanting it so badly for so long. And, as always, I'm doing the far fetched dreaming thing where I see myself picking up and moving to Amsterdam. All my life I've been telling myself I can't get stuck here. But then I think about leaving my roots. Leaving my family, who mean the world and so much more to me. Being SO far from my sister and mom. I don't know, I don't think I could do it. I can't even imagine not being able to see them whenever I wanted. Boston was an easy 2 hour drive or train ride away. If I move to Florida, Chicago or Amsterdam (let's just go with this one :P) I wouldn't barely ever be able to see them, and that breaks my heart. I'm too close with them to be that far away. I think I could travel a lot, get short term leases everywhere and then come back to the place I call home, but living somewhere permanently and being away from the people I love the most is seemingly impossible. Although I guess that's a part of growing up, and with age I'm assuming it gets a lot easier.
So now everyone knows how indecisive and back and forth I am. I'm nuts. Well, I guess it's a good thing that I have a lot of time to think about it. I'm thinking about applying for a 9-5 in Old Saybrook. I've never had one of those jobs, so it would be a change of pace. As in, the pace of my life would probably severely slow down. The job description was SO vague, so I don't even know what I would be doing. The part that sucked me in was 9-5. That gives me time for two things. Either waitressing on the weekends, or having time to go out after working all week. But honestly, I would need to get another job once the seasons pick up a bit. It's time to get my life in order. I'm honestly embarrassed by my lack of motivation right now. I've used the "I'm just relaxing" excuse for way too long now. I'm over it. I'm over going out every weekend and wasting money, I'm over hanging out with young, attention fiending bitches. Alicia, Vanessa and my family (including my sweetie puppylove) are really all I need, and I don't really feel like spending time with anyone but them lately. They keep me grounded and make me feel sane when my mind decides to go flying off in some weird ass, unexpected direction. And it happens a lot more often than anyone can imagine.
Oh, and for some reason my arm is acting up a lot lately. I can barely type some days without wanting to just burst into tears. And I feel like a useless baby. I am in a lot of pain, but I could have done something about it while I had benefits. Same with getting new glasses (mine are SO beat) and getting a check up. I didn't do any of that, cause I thought "I'm healthy, why waste the money." Now I think, can I even remember what I did with 20 bucks that week? Why would I not spend it on something that's going to help me in the long run? For the past 3 years I haven't been able to put more than a light amount of pressure on my right arm, and honestly, that's fucked. I'm an idiot.
It's semi-late and I'm exhausted. I need sleep big time. OH and all of you who actually got through this entry, or happened to catch a glimpse of this bottom line, I'm changing my hair. Something just has to be done. I'm either doing black, blonde or red. I want blonde back SO badly, but I'm the worst at keeping up with it, especially since I want it BLONDE. My natural blonde just isn't light enough for me. So let me know what you all think when I put up pictures of me with blonde/dark hair. And then I'll post a picture of the red I want (Daniellebaby, I'm sure I'll probably steal one of your space pictures to show the red color<3).
Alright, I love you all. Kisses! Hope everyone had a fabulous Saturday night!
<33
And yes, I have been listening to Mentirosa, the remix by the Ying Yang Twins OBSESSIVELY lately. Oh, and there's this HUGE debate over the lyrics of this song and how girls think they're offensive and so degrading and all this shit. I think this song is awesome! I can't ever take offense to lyrics. It's their right as an American citizen to sing about anything they want, and I love the beat. Plus, it's not like they're talking about me personally, so why should I bother getting all worked up? Oh, and if anyone knows this song/wants to look up the lyrics, read them and let me know what you think about the whole issue, please do! I'd love to see what other people have to say about this! :)
Alright, kisses and love for real this time!!
xo.
I think I'm going to some thrift stores tomorrow, then I'm gonna call Katie and see if I can borrow Rocky for a couple hours and take him hiking with me. I need some sort of inspiration, and the woods work very nicely. Plus, Rocky will LOVE going out for a walk. I bet he misses Vanessa so much already :(
I miss everyone in Boston so much. I have to go back there. But then I stop and think about how much I missed Ct when I was there. I missed the quiet, the beaches, my family and my puppy. It's so hard to part with everything, but I think I have to. I've promised myself my whole life that I would not get stuck in New England. I'm too much for this area. I need something new and exciting. I really need to just go. Just get out of here and it doesn't matter where to as long as I can do my own thing and be happy doing it. Hell, I'd even settle for not being happy if it meant a change of pace for a while. I feel so...stale. I can't think of a better word for it, but I guess that sums it up, in a 4th grade vocabulary kind of way.
The places I've been thinking about moving, if I decide not to go back to Boston (which I'm just so torn about lately) are Florida, I know I could probably move close to Jeph and make him show me around/teach me the ways of the durrty durrty ;) and it's warm as hell there. And CHEAP! The only thing I hate about Florida is the damn humidity. I mean, come on. I have straight hair and Fl weather makes it frizzy. That's a terrible sign. So we'll keep that one in mind. Chicago is the city I'm ready to fall in love with. I know I've always said I want year round warmth, but from what I've heard, Chicago has a charm that no other city has. Even though it's fucking COLD there. And, as always, I've been thinking about California. I don't think I can bring myself to move there anymore though. I guess after the whole Nathan thing it really lost it's appeal. I loved California so much. It's gorgeous, breathtaking and almost perfect, but I just don't know. It's a weird feeling for something to lose it's appeal after wanting it so badly for so long. And, as always, I'm doing the far fetched dreaming thing where I see myself picking up and moving to Amsterdam. All my life I've been telling myself I can't get stuck here. But then I think about leaving my roots. Leaving my family, who mean the world and so much more to me. Being SO far from my sister and mom. I don't know, I don't think I could do it. I can't even imagine not being able to see them whenever I wanted. Boston was an easy 2 hour drive or train ride away. If I move to Florida, Chicago or Amsterdam (let's just go with this one :P) I wouldn't barely ever be able to see them, and that breaks my heart. I'm too close with them to be that far away. I think I could travel a lot, get short term leases everywhere and then come back to the place I call home, but living somewhere permanently and being away from the people I love the most is seemingly impossible. Although I guess that's a part of growing up, and with age I'm assuming it gets a lot easier.
So now everyone knows how indecisive and back and forth I am. I'm nuts. Well, I guess it's a good thing that I have a lot of time to think about it. I'm thinking about applying for a 9-5 in Old Saybrook. I've never had one of those jobs, so it would be a change of pace. As in, the pace of my life would probably severely slow down. The job description was SO vague, so I don't even know what I would be doing. The part that sucked me in was 9-5. That gives me time for two things. Either waitressing on the weekends, or having time to go out after working all week. But honestly, I would need to get another job once the seasons pick up a bit. It's time to get my life in order. I'm honestly embarrassed by my lack of motivation right now. I've used the "I'm just relaxing" excuse for way too long now. I'm over it. I'm over going out every weekend and wasting money, I'm over hanging out with young, attention fiending bitches. Alicia, Vanessa and my family (including my sweetie puppylove) are really all I need, and I don't really feel like spending time with anyone but them lately. They keep me grounded and make me feel sane when my mind decides to go flying off in some weird ass, unexpected direction. And it happens a lot more often than anyone can imagine.
Oh, and for some reason my arm is acting up a lot lately. I can barely type some days without wanting to just burst into tears. And I feel like a useless baby. I am in a lot of pain, but I could have done something about it while I had benefits. Same with getting new glasses (mine are SO beat) and getting a check up. I didn't do any of that, cause I thought "I'm healthy, why waste the money." Now I think, can I even remember what I did with 20 bucks that week? Why would I not spend it on something that's going to help me in the long run? For the past 3 years I haven't been able to put more than a light amount of pressure on my right arm, and honestly, that's fucked. I'm an idiot.
It's semi-late and I'm exhausted. I need sleep big time. OH and all of you who actually got through this entry, or happened to catch a glimpse of this bottom line, I'm changing my hair. Something just has to be done. I'm either doing black, blonde or red. I want blonde back SO badly, but I'm the worst at keeping up with it, especially since I want it BLONDE. My natural blonde just isn't light enough for me. So let me know what you all think when I put up pictures of me with blonde/dark hair. And then I'll post a picture of the red I want (Daniellebaby, I'm sure I'll probably steal one of your space pictures to show the red color<3).
Alright, I love you all. Kisses! Hope everyone had a fabulous Saturday night!
<33
And yes, I have been listening to Mentirosa, the remix by the Ying Yang Twins OBSESSIVELY lately. Oh, and there's this HUGE debate over the lyrics of this song and how girls think they're offensive and so degrading and all this shit. I think this song is awesome! I can't ever take offense to lyrics. It's their right as an American citizen to sing about anything they want, and I love the beat. Plus, it's not like they're talking about me personally, so why should I bother getting all worked up? Oh, and if anyone knows this song/wants to look up the lyrics, read them and let me know what you think about the whole issue, please do! I'd love to see what other people have to say about this! :)
Alright, kisses and love for real this time!!
xo.