comfort me
I just had a personal breakthrough. And through things like this, through understanding, I'm not consciously aware rather than being completely unaware. Wow. I just realized an interesting social trait I picked up and hopefully through this understanding will be able to curb
what I realized is my association to conversation, mostly deep conversation, or free flowing conversation, in association to drinking and or smoking. That I am socially uncomfortable unless I am multi tasking drinks (alcoholic or not, mostly alcoholic though) and smoking cigarettes to meeting new people, engaging in conversation, and of course flirting
while remaining silent most of my childhood (up until my late teens), all verbal interaction occurred via chat, text, or on the phone (no physical interaction) - this provided a form of comfort for me to either manipulate or re-write my words before they are published to the person, or in the form of phone calls, a security blanket of being by myself, secluded, in comfort, while trying to articulate what I want or need to say in the conversation
once I hit the real world, and anxieties entered my life, I would use cigarettes or alcohol as ways to provide comfort
and even in current standings, most clever, or interesting conversations, are in association to multi tasking smoking, or something to that effect
providing a sort of security blanket to my social anxieties rather than being fully comfortable with my surroundings or whom I am interacting with
that due to so many good instances of social grace due to alcohol and cigarettes, I was blocking my personality unless I had these solutions for comfort readily available
plus, even with phone calls, the moment 'going outside and having a cig' while I talk, also adds to the hilarity of this situation I set up for myself subconsciously
This is probably the best hip hop song ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLDq-DqMNlA
what I realized is my association to conversation, mostly deep conversation, or free flowing conversation, in association to drinking and or smoking. That I am socially uncomfortable unless I am multi tasking drinks (alcoholic or not, mostly alcoholic though) and smoking cigarettes to meeting new people, engaging in conversation, and of course flirting
while remaining silent most of my childhood (up until my late teens), all verbal interaction occurred via chat, text, or on the phone (no physical interaction) - this provided a form of comfort for me to either manipulate or re-write my words before they are published to the person, or in the form of phone calls, a security blanket of being by myself, secluded, in comfort, while trying to articulate what I want or need to say in the conversation
once I hit the real world, and anxieties entered my life, I would use cigarettes or alcohol as ways to provide comfort
and even in current standings, most clever, or interesting conversations, are in association to multi tasking smoking, or something to that effect
providing a sort of security blanket to my social anxieties rather than being fully comfortable with my surroundings or whom I am interacting with
that due to so many good instances of social grace due to alcohol and cigarettes, I was blocking my personality unless I had these solutions for comfort readily available
plus, even with phone calls, the moment 'going outside and having a cig' while I talk, also adds to the hilarity of this situation I set up for myself subconsciously
This is probably the best hip hop song ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLDq-DqMNlA