[[ shinee ]] Sleepwalking Past Hope. 1/?
Fandom/Title - SHINee ; Sleepwalking Past Hope.
Author/Rating - Sacryde ; PG-13.
Pairing - Onew/Minho.
Status/Length - Incomplete ; 3,812.
Summary - Jinki is a broken photographer, haunted by the past. Minho is an effervescent model, who may be just the thing Jinki needs to escape his ghosts.
Author's Notes - This fic is for yapikao, and it is also my first attempt at writing anything in about five years. WARNING: Mentions of character death.
*****
The wind was blowing softly, causing the cherry blossoms to fall gracefully in the breeze, littering the plush green grass with little spots of pink. In the far distance, children could be seen playing baseball, the crack of the bat and their occasional shouts piercing the otherwise quiet moment. The skies were a beautiful shade of blue, with only a few soft fluffy clouds here and there. It was a perfect day; a perfect moment in time.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
The image on the screen blurred for a moment as the camera suddenly turned to face the man who had just spoken. At first there was only a fuzzy outline of brown hair and tanned skin in a blue jacket. A few moments later, the image came into focus and Jinki could clearly see the impossibly soft brown hair, the unblemished tan skin, the blue jacket that was in fact denim. And those eyes, those beautiful chocolate brown eyes that stared just above the camera, at the man who was filming him with an expression that conveyed nothing but curiosity and love.
"I was playing with the settings, and I realized it could record video," Jinki heard himself say, and knew from memory that at this moment in time he had looked slightly embarrassed, but mostly confused as he tried to figure out how to change the focus of the camera lens.
"Why are you recording a video of me? It's not like you aren't going to see me every day," Jonghyun pointed out, his voice teasing as a playful smirk rose to his lips. At this point, the camera suddenly changed focus to the sky as Jinki accidentally dropped it, a small 'eep' escaping his lips just barely audible to the recording. He couldn't see anything else in the camera's view, but he could clearly hear the sound of Jonghyun laughing along with the sound of a rustling picnic blanket as he had, according to Jinki's memory, leaned over and tackled him to the ground in an embrace. It had been only moments later that they had shared their first kiss.
Jinki smiled sadly at the bittersweet memory, his eyes closing slowly as he shut the lid to his laptop, unable to watch the video of the man he'd once loved any longer. It had been the first video he'd ever recorded on that camera, and at one time watching the video had made him unbelievably happy. Now, it only brought sadness.
Jinki let out a slow sigh as he grabbed his coffee mug, shuffling over to the sink to rinse it out with some water before placing it on the wooden counter top to dry. The night was still and quiet, with the only sound being the soft hum of cars passing by several floors below. He glanced down at his watch and realized that he had to be to work in just five hours, which gave him about four hours to sleep. Another sigh escaped his lips as he started dragging his feet toward his bed, hoping that maybe he would be tired enough that he wouldn't dream tonight, though he knew his hopes would probably be in vain.
*****
"How many cups is that so far today?"
Jinki looked up from his camera, smiling wearily at the woman whose name he had yet to remember. She had transferred over from the American branch as a fashion editor and was apparently staying with her sister, who was a singer and fashion designer.
"Three, I think," Jinki replied, holding his Americano from Holly's close to his chest. "You know I need at least this much to function in the morning."
"You should drink some water with it though," She said, smiling and flipping her long, black hair behind her shoulder. "You don't want to become too dehydrated or you could end up in the hospital."
"Thank you," Jinki said with a soft smile, grateful for her concern. Jinki could get along with pretty much anyone because of his personality, but it was rare for people to actually worry about him.
Jinki set down his coffee and instead took a gulp of water from his water bottle as he looked around at the set that was currently being built. It looked like today's photo shoot was fall themed, judging from the random gourds and leaves that were laying around in different corners of the room. How they got leaves that color in the middle of summer, he had no idea. Maybe they were fake.
Jinki took a glance at the clock and realized that there was still ample time left before the models were supposed to show up, so he decided to put his ear buds in and look around the set a bit more. They had really outdone themselves this time, but of course this was a photo shoot for Kibum's clothing brand; expectations were always high. There was even a hay barrel and a huge fake tree with fake autumn leaves hanging off of it. The background wasn't just a plain color like most photo shoots, and was instead a weird handmade mosaic of what looked like painted glass in the typical autumn colors; probably Kibum's personal work. Jinki turned his camera on and took a few test shots with the mosaic to make sure the bright lighting wouldn't bounce off the mosaic during the actual shoot. Luckily, the paint on the glass was thick enough to keep that from happening.
Feeling satisfied with the set so far, Jinki smiled and went back to his coffee, taking a long sip just as he heard a very distinct voice laugh from somewhere behind him, bringing his smile further across his lips as he realized the model he would be working with today.
"Hyung! I didn't know you were the photographer today!"
Jinki turned around, only to be greeted by a grinning young man, his hair dyed a strange silver color that somehow suited him even though Jinki was sure it would look stupid on almost anyone else. He was tall and muscular, with large eyes that honestly made Jinki a little bit jealous, but the grin on his face made Jinki tingle with happiness. He loved working with Minho; he was so vibrant and possibly one of the best models he had ever worked with.
"I didn't know either until last night," Jinki laughed, giving Minho a friendly hug but making sure to be very careful not to mess his wardrobe up.
"Well, whatever the reason, it's good to see you," Minho grinned, returning the hug before he was quickly called off to the other side of the room where the makeup artists were standing, preparing to make his handsome face stand out even more than it already did. Jinki had never understood why they always seemed determined to pile as much makeup on as possible, especially when Minho was naturally handsome, but no one else seemed to care much.
"He needs to look edgy, not pretty this time! I swear, last time he looked like a girl. Hey, Jinki, are you okay?"
Jinki looked up at his best friend with wet eyes as he coughed harder and harder, his body trying to reject the coffee that had gone down his windpipe when he'd laughed at the 'looked like a girl' comment.
"Yah, you're not gonna die on me, are you?"
"I'll be fine," Jinki replied, his voice hoarse. He took in a deep breath of air, coughing a little bit more, but feeling significantly better, if not a little bit dizzy.
"Good," Kibum said, a small but genuine smile gracing his lips. Jinki smiled, fighting the urge to thank Kibum, because he knew that it'd frustrate the other man immensely. Kibum hated being thanked for things that should seem perfectly obvious, like being glad that their best friend hadn't just choked to death on coffee. "How's the mosaic look? Did you take any test shots yet to test the glare?"
"It was a little bit shiny, but should be okay once the models are in front of it. If anything, it'll just make them look like they're glowing."
"Perfect," Kibum grinned.
Jinki looked back over at the hand painted mosaic and realized that it was in fact Kibum's work; there was no way he'd look so proud if it wasn't. Upon closer inspection, Jinki noticed some very faint English writing underneath the cover of the paint. He stepped closer to investigate, his curiosity fully piqued.
"Jin Young, Se Ra, Yu Bin," Jinki read slowly, wishing that he'd practiced his English writing more so that he could figure this out faster.
After a few moments, Jinki realized that everything that was written were the names of the people who Kibum worked closely with, or people he considered friends. He recognized a few of the names, like Krystal and Minho, and searched the mosaic until he found his own name. Jinki knew that although Kibum seemed rough on the outside, he did truly cherish the people who mattered to him.
Jinki smiled softly, about to turn away when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Right next to his name, in writing that was more faint than the others, was the one name he hadn't expected to see on the mosaic. He wasn't sure why he hadn't expected it, but the sight of it made his heart drop into his stomach and his breathing come up short, his eyes watering and his surroundings falling away as the world around him spun.
"Jonghyun."
Before Jinki had time to fall deeper into whatever was happening to him, he heard Kibum yell something about starting the photo shoot. He took a deep breath, shaking his head and smacking his face a few times to gather himself before turning around with a bright smile so that he could pretend that everything was fine, not noticing the strange looks he was getting from Minho and Kibum. Jinki went back to his area, placed his coffee down on the table, and picked up his camera, ready to throw himself into work so that everything would be fine again.
*****
"That's a wrap, everyone!" Kibum yelled, causing the room to burst into cheers. "We'll meet for dinner at the usual place in two hours!"
Jinki sighed softly as he put his camera down, the exhaustion from not getting enough sleep finally starting to hit him now that his endless coffee supply had run out. He kept the smile plastered across his lips as he started cleaning up his gear, not wanting anyone to know how close he had been to nodding off in the middle of the shoot. Tomorrow, he would spend all day sleeping, but for now he still needed to keep up appearances.
"Are you too tired to come out?" Kibum asked, his voice sounding mostly nonchalant, though Jinki could detect the tiniest hint of concern buried beneath the cool composure Kibum always tried so hard to keep up.
"I'll be okay," Jinki replied with a small nod.
"I could always treat you to drinks tomorrow," Kibum offered, and this time the concern in his voice was clearly discernible.
Jinki knew that for Kibum to show this much concern, he must look really bad right now. He knew the dark circles under his eyes were probably dark enough to clearly see the purple, and figured that by now he was probably swaying a little bit. He considered Kibum's offer for a moment before realizing that the offer was for tomorrow, the day that he was planning on doing nothing but sleeping and lounging in bed.
"I promise, I'll be fine."
"Then at least use my van and take a nap before we all leave for dinner," Kibum said, holding up Jinki's camera. "I'll clean up for you here."
Jinki opened his mouth to protest, to say that he was really okay, but when he did a yawn caught him by surprise and he realized that he probably would need the nap in order to not collapse at the dinner table. He hadn't slept properly in weeks, after all.
"Thank you," Jinki said softly, pulling Kibum into an awkward hug. Kibum wasn't really the hugging type, but he let Jinki do it anyway.
After they pulled apart, Kibum handed Jinki the keys to the van and gave him a short lecture about how he'd better find Jinki sleeping like a baby in an hour, and not on his phone looking up food or music. Jinki laughed in response and gave Kibum a small wave, heading toward the back of the room where the models were currently taking their heavy makeup off.
"Will you be at dinner?"
Jinki turned his head to the side to look at Minho, a tired smile crossing his lips. "Of course. See you there."
With one last wave goodbye at the rest of the room, Jinki made his way out of the back door, past the fans who had lined up to see their favorite models, and hurried toward the black van that was hidden discreetly in the back of the parking lot. He had taken many naps in this van over the years, and knew the small sticker of a key on the window by heart. He'd never found out the meaning behind it, and had never really bothered asking.
With a click, the doors to the van unlocked. Jinki crawled in, making sure to lock all the doors except the passenger seat behind him, knowing that Kibum would throw a fit if he left all the doors unlocked, but also knowing that he'd throw a fit if Jinki slept through him banging on the windows from outside. Jinki had done both in the past, and the memories of Kibum's reaction were enough to make him shudder.
Jinki reached into the back seat, grabbing the blanket and pillow from the floor and pulling them into the center row where he always slept. He then pulled down the shades of the windows and laid down on the seat, barely having enough time to check the time on his phone before he passed out.
*****
The air was heavy with the smell of beer and chicken, the sound of glasses clinking accompanying the sound of small talk and laughter. Jinki smiled politely at the people around him, engaging in the light hearted chatter just enough to satisfy them without having to actively participate. He was much too tired for that.
Kibum was gathered in the corner of the room with a small group of people, where he had stayed since his big announcement at the beginning of dinner where he thanked everyone for a job well done. Jinki glanced over, smiling softly at the way Kibum and Minho were huddled together, picking up on the serious vibe they had surrounding them.
"They look good together," Jinki thought to himself before turning away to stare at the drink in his hands, trying to decipher his feelings. He was happy for them, of course; Kibum was an amazing person, and Minho seemed like a genuinely good guy. He wanted nothing more than for his best friend to be happy, but somewhere deep down he also felt a little sad for reasons he couldn't quite figure out.
Jinki didn't have too much time to dwell on it before someone sat next to him, bumping his arm with what felt like a very boney knee, jostling his drink so that it almost spilled all over the table. He blinked quickly to suppress his surprise, steadying his glass before turning to his left to look at the person who had been apologizing profusely for the last few seconds.
He was definitely young, and very pretty with stark black hair that almost covered his large eyes. It took Jinki a moment to reply, but when he finally gathered himself, Jinki smiled at him.
"It's okay, don't worry about it."
"Are you sure? I can get you another drink if you want," The young man replied, his eyes clearly worried. Jinki felt himself chuckle as he shook his head, lifting his glass to show that it was still mostly full. He watched as relief washed over the other man’s face like a tidal wave, and Jinki felt himself smile a little wider at such a refreshing image. Not many people let their emotions flow on their faces like this, especially in this industry. It was a welcome sight.
"Ah, I'm sorry! I should have introduced myself," The young man said, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment, or maybe it had to do with the alcohol on his breath. "My name is Lee Taemin. I'm a singer, but I just started learning how to model. My manager brought me along to watch the photo shoot today because he's close friends with the designer."
"I see," Jinki replied, his eyes softening with laughter.
"I know who you are, of course," Taemin said, his smile brimming with a giddiness that had probably come from the bottom of a soju bottle. "You're Lee Jinki, one of the best fashion photographers in Seoul."
"You flatter me," Jinki replied, shaking his head with happy disbelief. He enjoyed hearing such a nice compliment, of course, but he knew that it wasn't close to the truth. "I've only been doing this professionally for about three years. No one becomes one of the best in such a short amount of time."
Taemin hummed to himself, seeming to think of a proper reply to this for a long minute. "There's no denying that you're talented, though. In the last year, every designer you've photographed for has sold out of their collection in less than a week."
"That's just a coincidence," Jinki replied, laughing and waving it off as he took a sip of his drink.
Taemin protested the coincidence immediately, and Jinki just continued to laugh it off. The conversation changed course after a while and continued late into the night. They talked about the web cartoons they both read, why gravity was a thing, and even how a fancy camera actually worked. The last topic had been very hard for Jinki to explain in his happily drunk state, but he had managed somehow. Maybe. At least he thought he explained it decently.
"I still feel like I know you from somewhere," Taemin murmured, his head now resting on his hand, which was still gripping the bottle of soju that he'd finished off about ten minutes ago. "Like, I know I haven't talked to you before, but I feel like we've been in the same room at some point."
"Aren't you talking about the photo shoot from earlier?" Jinki asked, a small snort escaping as he tried to fight back a laugh. How could Taemin not remember why they were at dinner right now? Was he that drunk already?
"Nooooooo," Taemin whined, pushing at Jinki lightly and laughing. "I mean, I feel like I saw you years ago. YEARS ago."
Jinki shrugged, glancing over to the corner where Minho and Kibum were still hanging out, a pang of sadness hitting him again. He smiled at them despite the feeling that was threatening to drown him, waving back when they waved. Jinki kept the smile plastered on his lips as he turned back to the table in front of him, grabbing a chicken leg and biting into it. The taste of fried chicken made the sadness dissipate just enough for him to gain control of himself again, turning back to Taemin with a smile.
"Hyung - wait, can I call you Hyung?" Taemin asked. Jinki merely nodded and waited for Taemin to continue his train of thought. "Have you ever had red hair?"
Jinki's hand froze for a fraction of a second, his breath catching in his throat as he slowly placed down the chicken leg, his entire body growing stiff and cold. His head was fuzzy, but this time it wasn't the alcohol speaking.
"What company did you say you're a singer for?" Jinki asked, his voice surprisingly steady considering the fact that his hands had started shaking. His breaths were short, and his vision suddenly sharp.
"WJM," Taemin replied sleepily, seeming to have forgotten his original question about Jinki's hair. "I've been there like, five years?"
Jinki felt his stomach drop and his heart rise into his throat, choking him until his eyes started to blur. He hadn't had red hair in almost four years. The day after the funeral, he had shaved his head and dyed the buzz cut that was left to his natural black color. He hadn't been able to stand seeing himself in the mirror any longer wearing the color that Jonghyun loved on him. It was Jonghyuns favorite color, and also the color that his last memory of Jonghyun was bathed in.
"I have to go," Jinki whispered, standing far too quickly for his alcohol-riddled brain. He stumbled almost immediately, but he didn't care. His legs swung over the bench of their own accord, his mind barely processing the voices that surrounded him as he practically ran out of the restaurant. He ran as quickly as he could down the streets of Seoul, his feet stumbling and tripping over themselves at least ten times before he finally fell onto the pavement, his arms catching him on his way down.
The pain hit him all of a sudden, and he barely had time to process what was happening before he found himself retching onto the side of a building. His felt numb, yet every nerve in his body was screaming; screaming in pain, and screaming in fear.
A few moments passed before he was able to open his eyes, barely taking notice of his surroundings as his eyes automatically went to his hands. It wasn't until he saw the blood that he realized how much pain he was in. Blood.
Jinki collapsed to the ground, a small whimper escaping his throat as he slammed his eyes shut in desperation. He didn't want to see it anymore, but it had already been ingrained in his mind; the color red, the blood coating Jonghyun's beautiful face as he lay on the pavement, his breathing shallow and eyes closed. It was the last time Jinki had seen him alive.
"Jonghyun."
Jinki cried out his name, just as he had done that night, his hands covered in blood and tears falling freely from his eyes. He didn't hear the concerned questions from passersby, asking if he was okay. He didn't hear or see the passing cars, nor did he feel the arms lifting him and walking him away from his own vomit. For the next hour, he only knew that one word, that one name, the one he kept crying out in hopes that they would magically appear and make things right.
"Jonghyun."
*****
AUTHOR'S NOTES: A huge thank you to cosipotente who has held my hand and helped me beta this. She is the reason I started writing again. Another huge thank you to lala-pipo who inspired me to begin writing again, though I'm not sure if she realizes it.
Please comment, even if it's negative. I want to know if there are places to improve.
Author/Rating - Sacryde ; PG-13.
Pairing - Onew/Minho.
Status/Length - Incomplete ; 3,812.
Summary - Jinki is a broken photographer, haunted by the past. Minho is an effervescent model, who may be just the thing Jinki needs to escape his ghosts.
Author's Notes - This fic is for yapikao, and it is also my first attempt at writing anything in about five years. WARNING: Mentions of character death.
*****
The wind was blowing softly, causing the cherry blossoms to fall gracefully in the breeze, littering the plush green grass with little spots of pink. In the far distance, children could be seen playing baseball, the crack of the bat and their occasional shouts piercing the otherwise quiet moment. The skies were a beautiful shade of blue, with only a few soft fluffy clouds here and there. It was a perfect day; a perfect moment in time.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
The image on the screen blurred for a moment as the camera suddenly turned to face the man who had just spoken. At first there was only a fuzzy outline of brown hair and tanned skin in a blue jacket. A few moments later, the image came into focus and Jinki could clearly see the impossibly soft brown hair, the unblemished tan skin, the blue jacket that was in fact denim. And those eyes, those beautiful chocolate brown eyes that stared just above the camera, at the man who was filming him with an expression that conveyed nothing but curiosity and love.
"I was playing with the settings, and I realized it could record video," Jinki heard himself say, and knew from memory that at this moment in time he had looked slightly embarrassed, but mostly confused as he tried to figure out how to change the focus of the camera lens.
"Why are you recording a video of me? It's not like you aren't going to see me every day," Jonghyun pointed out, his voice teasing as a playful smirk rose to his lips. At this point, the camera suddenly changed focus to the sky as Jinki accidentally dropped it, a small 'eep' escaping his lips just barely audible to the recording. He couldn't see anything else in the camera's view, but he could clearly hear the sound of Jonghyun laughing along with the sound of a rustling picnic blanket as he had, according to Jinki's memory, leaned over and tackled him to the ground in an embrace. It had been only moments later that they had shared their first kiss.
Jinki smiled sadly at the bittersweet memory, his eyes closing slowly as he shut the lid to his laptop, unable to watch the video of the man he'd once loved any longer. It had been the first video he'd ever recorded on that camera, and at one time watching the video had made him unbelievably happy. Now, it only brought sadness.
Jinki let out a slow sigh as he grabbed his coffee mug, shuffling over to the sink to rinse it out with some water before placing it on the wooden counter top to dry. The night was still and quiet, with the only sound being the soft hum of cars passing by several floors below. He glanced down at his watch and realized that he had to be to work in just five hours, which gave him about four hours to sleep. Another sigh escaped his lips as he started dragging his feet toward his bed, hoping that maybe he would be tired enough that he wouldn't dream tonight, though he knew his hopes would probably be in vain.
*****
"How many cups is that so far today?"
Jinki looked up from his camera, smiling wearily at the woman whose name he had yet to remember. She had transferred over from the American branch as a fashion editor and was apparently staying with her sister, who was a singer and fashion designer.
"Three, I think," Jinki replied, holding his Americano from Holly's close to his chest. "You know I need at least this much to function in the morning."
"You should drink some water with it though," She said, smiling and flipping her long, black hair behind her shoulder. "You don't want to become too dehydrated or you could end up in the hospital."
"Thank you," Jinki said with a soft smile, grateful for her concern. Jinki could get along with pretty much anyone because of his personality, but it was rare for people to actually worry about him.
Jinki set down his coffee and instead took a gulp of water from his water bottle as he looked around at the set that was currently being built. It looked like today's photo shoot was fall themed, judging from the random gourds and leaves that were laying around in different corners of the room. How they got leaves that color in the middle of summer, he had no idea. Maybe they were fake.
Jinki took a glance at the clock and realized that there was still ample time left before the models were supposed to show up, so he decided to put his ear buds in and look around the set a bit more. They had really outdone themselves this time, but of course this was a photo shoot for Kibum's clothing brand; expectations were always high. There was even a hay barrel and a huge fake tree with fake autumn leaves hanging off of it. The background wasn't just a plain color like most photo shoots, and was instead a weird handmade mosaic of what looked like painted glass in the typical autumn colors; probably Kibum's personal work. Jinki turned his camera on and took a few test shots with the mosaic to make sure the bright lighting wouldn't bounce off the mosaic during the actual shoot. Luckily, the paint on the glass was thick enough to keep that from happening.
Feeling satisfied with the set so far, Jinki smiled and went back to his coffee, taking a long sip just as he heard a very distinct voice laugh from somewhere behind him, bringing his smile further across his lips as he realized the model he would be working with today.
"Hyung! I didn't know you were the photographer today!"
Jinki turned around, only to be greeted by a grinning young man, his hair dyed a strange silver color that somehow suited him even though Jinki was sure it would look stupid on almost anyone else. He was tall and muscular, with large eyes that honestly made Jinki a little bit jealous, but the grin on his face made Jinki tingle with happiness. He loved working with Minho; he was so vibrant and possibly one of the best models he had ever worked with.
"I didn't know either until last night," Jinki laughed, giving Minho a friendly hug but making sure to be very careful not to mess his wardrobe up.
"Well, whatever the reason, it's good to see you," Minho grinned, returning the hug before he was quickly called off to the other side of the room where the makeup artists were standing, preparing to make his handsome face stand out even more than it already did. Jinki had never understood why they always seemed determined to pile as much makeup on as possible, especially when Minho was naturally handsome, but no one else seemed to care much.
"He needs to look edgy, not pretty this time! I swear, last time he looked like a girl. Hey, Jinki, are you okay?"
Jinki looked up at his best friend with wet eyes as he coughed harder and harder, his body trying to reject the coffee that had gone down his windpipe when he'd laughed at the 'looked like a girl' comment.
"Yah, you're not gonna die on me, are you?"
"I'll be fine," Jinki replied, his voice hoarse. He took in a deep breath of air, coughing a little bit more, but feeling significantly better, if not a little bit dizzy.
"Good," Kibum said, a small but genuine smile gracing his lips. Jinki smiled, fighting the urge to thank Kibum, because he knew that it'd frustrate the other man immensely. Kibum hated being thanked for things that should seem perfectly obvious, like being glad that their best friend hadn't just choked to death on coffee. "How's the mosaic look? Did you take any test shots yet to test the glare?"
"It was a little bit shiny, but should be okay once the models are in front of it. If anything, it'll just make them look like they're glowing."
"Perfect," Kibum grinned.
Jinki looked back over at the hand painted mosaic and realized that it was in fact Kibum's work; there was no way he'd look so proud if it wasn't. Upon closer inspection, Jinki noticed some very faint English writing underneath the cover of the paint. He stepped closer to investigate, his curiosity fully piqued.
"Jin Young, Se Ra, Yu Bin," Jinki read slowly, wishing that he'd practiced his English writing more so that he could figure this out faster.
After a few moments, Jinki realized that everything that was written were the names of the people who Kibum worked closely with, or people he considered friends. He recognized a few of the names, like Krystal and Minho, and searched the mosaic until he found his own name. Jinki knew that although Kibum seemed rough on the outside, he did truly cherish the people who mattered to him.
Jinki smiled softly, about to turn away when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Right next to his name, in writing that was more faint than the others, was the one name he hadn't expected to see on the mosaic. He wasn't sure why he hadn't expected it, but the sight of it made his heart drop into his stomach and his breathing come up short, his eyes watering and his surroundings falling away as the world around him spun.
"Jonghyun."
Before Jinki had time to fall deeper into whatever was happening to him, he heard Kibum yell something about starting the photo shoot. He took a deep breath, shaking his head and smacking his face a few times to gather himself before turning around with a bright smile so that he could pretend that everything was fine, not noticing the strange looks he was getting from Minho and Kibum. Jinki went back to his area, placed his coffee down on the table, and picked up his camera, ready to throw himself into work so that everything would be fine again.
*****
"That's a wrap, everyone!" Kibum yelled, causing the room to burst into cheers. "We'll meet for dinner at the usual place in two hours!"
Jinki sighed softly as he put his camera down, the exhaustion from not getting enough sleep finally starting to hit him now that his endless coffee supply had run out. He kept the smile plastered across his lips as he started cleaning up his gear, not wanting anyone to know how close he had been to nodding off in the middle of the shoot. Tomorrow, he would spend all day sleeping, but for now he still needed to keep up appearances.
"Are you too tired to come out?" Kibum asked, his voice sounding mostly nonchalant, though Jinki could detect the tiniest hint of concern buried beneath the cool composure Kibum always tried so hard to keep up.
"I'll be okay," Jinki replied with a small nod.
"I could always treat you to drinks tomorrow," Kibum offered, and this time the concern in his voice was clearly discernible.
Jinki knew that for Kibum to show this much concern, he must look really bad right now. He knew the dark circles under his eyes were probably dark enough to clearly see the purple, and figured that by now he was probably swaying a little bit. He considered Kibum's offer for a moment before realizing that the offer was for tomorrow, the day that he was planning on doing nothing but sleeping and lounging in bed.
"I promise, I'll be fine."
"Then at least use my van and take a nap before we all leave for dinner," Kibum said, holding up Jinki's camera. "I'll clean up for you here."
Jinki opened his mouth to protest, to say that he was really okay, but when he did a yawn caught him by surprise and he realized that he probably would need the nap in order to not collapse at the dinner table. He hadn't slept properly in weeks, after all.
"Thank you," Jinki said softly, pulling Kibum into an awkward hug. Kibum wasn't really the hugging type, but he let Jinki do it anyway.
After they pulled apart, Kibum handed Jinki the keys to the van and gave him a short lecture about how he'd better find Jinki sleeping like a baby in an hour, and not on his phone looking up food or music. Jinki laughed in response and gave Kibum a small wave, heading toward the back of the room where the models were currently taking their heavy makeup off.
"Will you be at dinner?"
Jinki turned his head to the side to look at Minho, a tired smile crossing his lips. "Of course. See you there."
With one last wave goodbye at the rest of the room, Jinki made his way out of the back door, past the fans who had lined up to see their favorite models, and hurried toward the black van that was hidden discreetly in the back of the parking lot. He had taken many naps in this van over the years, and knew the small sticker of a key on the window by heart. He'd never found out the meaning behind it, and had never really bothered asking.
With a click, the doors to the van unlocked. Jinki crawled in, making sure to lock all the doors except the passenger seat behind him, knowing that Kibum would throw a fit if he left all the doors unlocked, but also knowing that he'd throw a fit if Jinki slept through him banging on the windows from outside. Jinki had done both in the past, and the memories of Kibum's reaction were enough to make him shudder.
Jinki reached into the back seat, grabbing the blanket and pillow from the floor and pulling them into the center row where he always slept. He then pulled down the shades of the windows and laid down on the seat, barely having enough time to check the time on his phone before he passed out.
*****
The air was heavy with the smell of beer and chicken, the sound of glasses clinking accompanying the sound of small talk and laughter. Jinki smiled politely at the people around him, engaging in the light hearted chatter just enough to satisfy them without having to actively participate. He was much too tired for that.
Kibum was gathered in the corner of the room with a small group of people, where he had stayed since his big announcement at the beginning of dinner where he thanked everyone for a job well done. Jinki glanced over, smiling softly at the way Kibum and Minho were huddled together, picking up on the serious vibe they had surrounding them.
"They look good together," Jinki thought to himself before turning away to stare at the drink in his hands, trying to decipher his feelings. He was happy for them, of course; Kibum was an amazing person, and Minho seemed like a genuinely good guy. He wanted nothing more than for his best friend to be happy, but somewhere deep down he also felt a little sad for reasons he couldn't quite figure out.
Jinki didn't have too much time to dwell on it before someone sat next to him, bumping his arm with what felt like a very boney knee, jostling his drink so that it almost spilled all over the table. He blinked quickly to suppress his surprise, steadying his glass before turning to his left to look at the person who had been apologizing profusely for the last few seconds.
He was definitely young, and very pretty with stark black hair that almost covered his large eyes. It took Jinki a moment to reply, but when he finally gathered himself, Jinki smiled at him.
"It's okay, don't worry about it."
"Are you sure? I can get you another drink if you want," The young man replied, his eyes clearly worried. Jinki felt himself chuckle as he shook his head, lifting his glass to show that it was still mostly full. He watched as relief washed over the other man’s face like a tidal wave, and Jinki felt himself smile a little wider at such a refreshing image. Not many people let their emotions flow on their faces like this, especially in this industry. It was a welcome sight.
"Ah, I'm sorry! I should have introduced myself," The young man said, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment, or maybe it had to do with the alcohol on his breath. "My name is Lee Taemin. I'm a singer, but I just started learning how to model. My manager brought me along to watch the photo shoot today because he's close friends with the designer."
"I see," Jinki replied, his eyes softening with laughter.
"I know who you are, of course," Taemin said, his smile brimming with a giddiness that had probably come from the bottom of a soju bottle. "You're Lee Jinki, one of the best fashion photographers in Seoul."
"You flatter me," Jinki replied, shaking his head with happy disbelief. He enjoyed hearing such a nice compliment, of course, but he knew that it wasn't close to the truth. "I've only been doing this professionally for about three years. No one becomes one of the best in such a short amount of time."
Taemin hummed to himself, seeming to think of a proper reply to this for a long minute. "There's no denying that you're talented, though. In the last year, every designer you've photographed for has sold out of their collection in less than a week."
"That's just a coincidence," Jinki replied, laughing and waving it off as he took a sip of his drink.
Taemin protested the coincidence immediately, and Jinki just continued to laugh it off. The conversation changed course after a while and continued late into the night. They talked about the web cartoons they both read, why gravity was a thing, and even how a fancy camera actually worked. The last topic had been very hard for Jinki to explain in his happily drunk state, but he had managed somehow. Maybe. At least he thought he explained it decently.
"I still feel like I know you from somewhere," Taemin murmured, his head now resting on his hand, which was still gripping the bottle of soju that he'd finished off about ten minutes ago. "Like, I know I haven't talked to you before, but I feel like we've been in the same room at some point."
"Aren't you talking about the photo shoot from earlier?" Jinki asked, a small snort escaping as he tried to fight back a laugh. How could Taemin not remember why they were at dinner right now? Was he that drunk already?
"Nooooooo," Taemin whined, pushing at Jinki lightly and laughing. "I mean, I feel like I saw you years ago. YEARS ago."
Jinki shrugged, glancing over to the corner where Minho and Kibum were still hanging out, a pang of sadness hitting him again. He smiled at them despite the feeling that was threatening to drown him, waving back when they waved. Jinki kept the smile plastered on his lips as he turned back to the table in front of him, grabbing a chicken leg and biting into it. The taste of fried chicken made the sadness dissipate just enough for him to gain control of himself again, turning back to Taemin with a smile.
"Hyung - wait, can I call you Hyung?" Taemin asked. Jinki merely nodded and waited for Taemin to continue his train of thought. "Have you ever had red hair?"
Jinki's hand froze for a fraction of a second, his breath catching in his throat as he slowly placed down the chicken leg, his entire body growing stiff and cold. His head was fuzzy, but this time it wasn't the alcohol speaking.
"What company did you say you're a singer for?" Jinki asked, his voice surprisingly steady considering the fact that his hands had started shaking. His breaths were short, and his vision suddenly sharp.
"WJM," Taemin replied sleepily, seeming to have forgotten his original question about Jinki's hair. "I've been there like, five years?"
Jinki felt his stomach drop and his heart rise into his throat, choking him until his eyes started to blur. He hadn't had red hair in almost four years. The day after the funeral, he had shaved his head and dyed the buzz cut that was left to his natural black color. He hadn't been able to stand seeing himself in the mirror any longer wearing the color that Jonghyun loved on him. It was Jonghyuns favorite color, and also the color that his last memory of Jonghyun was bathed in.
"I have to go," Jinki whispered, standing far too quickly for his alcohol-riddled brain. He stumbled almost immediately, but he didn't care. His legs swung over the bench of their own accord, his mind barely processing the voices that surrounded him as he practically ran out of the restaurant. He ran as quickly as he could down the streets of Seoul, his feet stumbling and tripping over themselves at least ten times before he finally fell onto the pavement, his arms catching him on his way down.
The pain hit him all of a sudden, and he barely had time to process what was happening before he found himself retching onto the side of a building. His felt numb, yet every nerve in his body was screaming; screaming in pain, and screaming in fear.
A few moments passed before he was able to open his eyes, barely taking notice of his surroundings as his eyes automatically went to his hands. It wasn't until he saw the blood that he realized how much pain he was in. Blood.
Jinki collapsed to the ground, a small whimper escaping his throat as he slammed his eyes shut in desperation. He didn't want to see it anymore, but it had already been ingrained in his mind; the color red, the blood coating Jonghyun's beautiful face as he lay on the pavement, his breathing shallow and eyes closed. It was the last time Jinki had seen him alive.
"Jonghyun."
Jinki cried out his name, just as he had done that night, his hands covered in blood and tears falling freely from his eyes. He didn't hear the concerned questions from passersby, asking if he was okay. He didn't hear or see the passing cars, nor did he feel the arms lifting him and walking him away from his own vomit. For the next hour, he only knew that one word, that one name, the one he kept crying out in hopes that they would magically appear and make things right.
"Jonghyun."
*****
AUTHOR'S NOTES: A huge thank you to cosipotente who has held my hand and helped me beta this. She is the reason I started writing again. Another huge thank you to lala-pipo who inspired me to begin writing again, though I'm not sure if she realizes it.
Please comment, even if it's negative. I want to know if there are places to improve.