200.
i'm in such a bad mood. i woke up this morning, and i knew it was gonna be a bad day. i'm just really sick of everyone telling me what i have to do. "you're going to do this, you will meet me here." i'll do whatever the hell i want. stop treating me like you own me. i own me. i'm starting to realize that i tire of people really easily. like i'm one of those people that i put up with a lot of shit. i'm so scared of confrentation that i just deal with whatever i'm given. and lately, i'm beginning to voice my opinions. if i'm upset or i disagree, i speak up. most of the time i just get treated like shit for it. it's ridiculous. fuck you for not being grown enough to handle me disagreeing. and i'm really really really trying to smile all the time and pretend like i don't care. honestly, i care. i care so much that it hurts. how can someone change thier feelings so fast? how can one second someone tell you how much they care about you and how they want to be with you. how can they call you at one in the morning to apologize and say that they've treated you badly and that everything's going to be okay again. how can they do all that, and then just cut it off. i don't understand how you can care so much for someone, and then just stop talking to them. during the whole situation, i didn't really care that much. but he pulled me in so hard and so deep, and then just pushed me away. i wasn't done though, i was still in it. and i was just expected to pick up the pieces and move on. it's too hard. when i have to see him all the time, it's too hard. i pretend like i'm happy with everything and i act like i don't care about him. but it hurts so much. i still care and i haven't quite figured out how to make that go away. i'm trying so hard to pretend but i can't take it. i hate him. i hate him for doing this to me. and i've met someone who's so good to me, but i can't give myself to him completely because i'm scared. i'm scared that being with him the way he wants to be with me, will ruin everything. we jumped into everything, and i mean everything, so fast. and as much as i care about him, i feel in my heart we could never be together. i'm so scared to let myself feel something for someone anymore. everytime i've let my heart feel i've been hurt. even if i've ended the relationship, i was hurt so badly and i couldn't do it anymore. i'm so scared. and i'm afraid that i'll never meet that one person. and what if i do meet them and then i get tired of them? every relationship i've been in, i've ended. it's always been me. i get to a point where i just say i can't take them anymore and i end it. am i ever going to be able to just be with someone? i'm so scared to be hurt by a guy. i grew up being constantly hurt and disapointed by my dad and now it's affecting the way i deal with relationships. he's hurt me so bad, but i still keep going back. he just lost his job. i cried when i found out. he doesn't even deserve my tears. he doesn't have the decency to give me one phone call, but i cry for him. how sad is that. and i feel like i'm constantly being pushed around by the people who are supposed to be there for me. apparently these days i'm just "someone to fall back on". that's great. what a great person i am, that i just let people fall back on me. what the hell does that do for me? nothing. it puts me in a position where i get pushed around. and i'm so scared to just let it all out. just say everything to everyone that i've always wanted to say. i'm scared that they're going to abandon me for being honest. why can't i just be honest with everyone? why do i constantly have to pretend i'm okay? it's so hard. it's so so so so hard. and i let myself put up with all of this, and then i don't talk to anybody about it. i sit by myself, cry, and say that everything is somehow okay again because i've cried it all out of me. i'm tired of being disapointed. i'm scared of what's going to happen if i don't start to start standing up for myself. i'm just thankful that i do have certain people who i know in my heart won't disapoint me. i know that i have about five friends who won't fuck me over in life. i'm so overwhelmed with everything. it seems like everything just has to happen at once. school, family, work, friends. all of it. i'm just over it. i just want to cry and sleep and be done with it all. but no, i have to go to class tomorrow and put on my happy face. i have to sit right next to him and pretend that i don't even care. i just wish it was ten o'clock already. matt always has a way of making things better. and tomorrow after class and work, i'm going out with diana. tomorrow's going to be a really bad day, i just know it. so thank god for diana. her and jimmy are gonna come pick me up and we're gonna go hang out at his house. hopefully that'll make everything okay again. ugh, even listening to one of my favorite bands makes me think of him. fuck this.