176.
lol, like the lj cut title? that's what i get for being around kids all my life. so today i made a mistake that i think is going to cost me matts attention. here's what happened:
so i like matt, he knows it, i know it. but at the same time he pisses me off. he tries to come off like things don't upset him, and like he doesn't care. when i know that deep down he does, and i just wish he would say how he feels. so he was frustrating me, and i texted dawn. this is what i said. "matt is being such a hard ass, it's annoying." now i thought i sent it to dawn, but i sent it to him. he walked up to me with his phone in his hand, and the look on his face, broke my heart. i know that i shouldn't like him. i know that he smokes pot and he gets in trouble and hangs out with the wrong crowd. but there's this part of me that's drawn to him. he didn't talk to me all day. i didn't mean it how i said it. i finally went back and talked to him, after everybody else had tried to do it for me. i told him that i like him, and i wish he would stop acting to tough and be honest about his feelings. he told me that it pissed him off what i said and that was the end of it. i said goodbye to him when i left work and he just sort of waved and walked away. everyone kept saying "it's okay, he's not mad." but i know he was. what makes me feel bad is that i hurt his feelings. i didn't mean it how i said it, and i think when he read it, it just upset him. i just wanted him to know how i meant it and how i feel about him, so i told him. whether or not he forgives me, or if he'll even talk to me again, isn't for me to decide. i just feel like an ass. i keep replaying the look on his face in my mind and it turns my stomach into knots. i mean, maybe he'll stop flirting with me and maybe it's the best thing that could've happened. as much as i like him, i just know that he's not right for me. i leave for college in about 6 months. in 6 months there will be no way for us to be together, so maybe it's best that it happened now. i don't work with him again for like a week, and i just hope by then he's not mad. it's just hard because i'm so used to the way he is with me. he's always really flirtatious and touchy-feely, so when he's not it's like "wow, this is different." and i go to this place where i think i've done something wrong. i read the book "he's just not that into you" and i loved it. it made me realize that if matt liked me the way he says he does, he would've taken the steps to make something happen between us. and everybody says that he's shy, which i can truly understand. but i'm sorry. i can't wait around for him to become this person i wish he would be. i can't sit around and tell myself "maybe today's the day he'll ask me out." it's not fair to me. i've been talking to mike lately, and it's just, different. i mean, it's just really nice to talk to someone on that level, you know? he's a really nice guy. i told him that i got into akron, and said that we're going to party together next year. i really hope that by then we're still talking, because he's a great guy. god, tomorrow jessie will get a kick out what happened with matt and i. i have this way of doing or saying things at the wrong time or to the wrong person that make me want to crawl in a hole. i always have those "insert foot in mouth" moments and i feel like nobody else does. i think it'll take me some time to get over matt. i mean, i say all these things and i tell myself "okay megan, today you're going to stay away from him." and then he looks at me a certain way or says something and i end up hugging him at the end of the night. it's just nice having that physical closenes. so maybe what happened today changed how he felt. and if he stops flirting with me and treating me how he has, my feelings for him will change. prom is right around the corner too. i mean, i'm excited, but i'm worried. the pressure of who's going to be my date is weighing on me. it's so frustrating when my family is always asking "what are you going to do if you don't have a date?!" it's like, please don't worry, because once you freak out, i feel stressed about it. it will all work out, i hope.
okay well that's really all i have to say, haha. goodnight.