165.
okay. so i haven't seen matt lately at school. guess why? he transfered to night school. PERFECT. i don't see him enough as is, and now i probably won't ever see him. no worries though, because i'm not sure if he even wants to see me. i texted him today and just said hey, since we haven't talked since monday, and he didn't text me back. brian asked me if he should tell matt not to bother, and i said no. it's not that i want him to not talk to me, it's actually the exact opposite. i told brian to tell him that if he's serious about hanging out with me, he needs to let me know that. he knows how to reach me, and from now on i can't keep doing what i'm doing. i'm done initiating every conversation. i don't think it's fair that the responsibility is on me. and i don't understand why he wouldn't just text me, even to say hi. i don't understand why he would talk and treat me the way he has and then just ignore me. i guess that he's a typical teenage boy and i shouldn't set him to any sort of standards. i just thought he was, well, different. i don't know. i mean the way i talk it sounds like i'm super attached, but i'm really not. this is how i feel. he made, or makes, whatever, me happy. talking to him, being around him, made me smile. he's a nice person, he's funny, and i enjoy being around him. but at the same time, he does more than one thing that i don't agree with. i think half of me wishes he were different. but at the same time i would never try to change him. i don't think that's what it means to like somebody. you accept them, flaws and all. i understand that he does things that don't coincide with my beliefs and my values, but i don't think it's fair to ignore him because of it either. i'm frustrated. i feel like in these past two years i've grown up so much. i've become so comfortable in my own skin and i'm proud of who i am and what i've accomplished. i know who i am and what i stand for, and if others don't agree then that's thier own fault. i think you should always be aware of what's going on around you, and of what people you spend time with do. even if you don't agree, you should understand. i think that's how i feel about matt. i don't agree with what he does, but i understand that it's his choice and it's not my responsibilty to voice my opinions about it. i just feel like everytime i meet a guy we either become friends and nothing happens, or it just doesn't work out. and everyone who's fresh out of a relationship says "it's so great being single blah blah i would never date so and so again." but they're lying. i think it's an excuse to cover up the loneliness. if you tell yourself you're happy, you won't hurt as much. my last relationship was stupid and immature and eye-opening. but as much as i hate him for what he did, i still think about him. to this day, i still wonder. is he happy with her? is it really what he wanted? does he think about me? and i honestly in my heart of hearts would never be with him, but i'm saying this years later. sometimes i think i'd rather be with someone like him than be alone. then i come to my senses. as much as i'd rather be single than with him, i'm lonely. and a girl only feel this lonely for so long until she starts to look in the mirror and say, what's wrong with me? i think that i'm a genuinely good person. i'm kind, i'm funny, i'm laid-back, i'm honest. i might not be a size 2, i might not do drugs or smoke, and i might not have sex with anything that walks. but i think who i am and what i stand for is great for somebody my age. i think any guy would be lucky to have me. i just don't understand why no one will. why does every other girl have a boyfriend? why are they so happy and why can't i have that? i'm the friend. that's all i'm seen as. and as much as i smile and say i'm so happy for you, i'm hurting inside. i truly am happy for my friends. i would never wish that they feel lonely. but i'm sick and tired to death of wishing i could be like them. i'm typically not a jealous person. everyone feels jealous of something or someone, but i usually am pretty laid back. i wish i could be skinnier, or have more money, or this or that. typical. but i'm tired of being jealous that my friends get to have a boy in their lives to hold them and say you're beautiful and i love you. why can't i have that? i think i deserve it. and i feel so much pressure sometimes. if my parents or my grandma asks me what i'll do if i don't get a prom date. it's like, do you want me to feel worthless? "oh megan, i'm just worried. you can't miss your prom because you don't have a date! you can't go by yourself or with your friends, that's so sad!" thank you so much for making me feel hideously alone. i've gone through a lot in my life. most things people don't know about. being harassed by girls who were supposed to be my friends, crying myself to sleep everyday, dealing with a father who doesn't love me, and contemplating actions that no girl my age should. i'm suprised that i don't feel worse about myself. and just when i feel like i'm on top, somebody says or does something to knock me down. it's a vicious cycle that i go through. i feel like i'm never going to just be. i'm always stuck feeling or worrying or crying. and the second i feel like i'm making strides something pushes me two steps back. when will it be my turn? i just don't understand. i mean, i do really. i know that the girls did those things out of jealousy and immaturity. i know my father doesn't love me because of his own stupidity. but having to tell myself everyday that i'm worth something and that it's not my fault is too hard to take. i just want to feel full and happy. i'm tired of smiling on the outside but not on the inside. it's too much. it's too hard. i can't be this person anymore. and i know that until my surroundings change, or until something happens to truly fulfill me, this won't stop.