50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 18 and 19
Chapter 18 and 19 of 50 Shades are about...sex. Are you surprised? Yeah. Didn't think so.
NSFW
We're doing the first bit of this a bit differently because chapter 18 is almost entirely sex, so we're gonna quote the most WTF worthy bits and do some short commenting on it. So here we go!
Maya: As a basic overview of the chapter: Ana gets prescribed the pill, and then they finally get some BDSM action
“Do you want to do this?” he breathes, looking down at me intently.
“I haven’t signed anything.”
“I know - but I’m breaking all the rules these days.”
“Are you going to hit me?”
“Yes, but it won’t be to hurt you. I don’t want to punish you right now. If you’d caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story.” Holy cow. He wants to hurt me… how do I deal with this? I can’t hide the horror on my face.
Ing: I'm starting us out with this sexy bit of foreplay
Maya: Jeeeeeesus. How has she not gotten the concept of BDSM yet?
Ing: I have no idea. At this point I wonder if she's willfully obtuse. But nothing to get the mood flowing like some good old fashioned horror at the thought of what's going to happen
This is it. I'm really going to do this. My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette.
Maya: HER FUCKING INNER GODDESS. I HATE HER SFM
Ing: I wonder if I'd get away with murdering her inner goddess. It's really fucking weird how she completely abuses this narrative technique with how she personifies the subconscious (which doesn't even make sense) and her inner goddess (which makes a bit more sense). But it's like... do it a handful of times, fine, but literally 10+ times per chapter?
My blood is running heated and scared through my system - adrenaline mixed with lust and longing. It’s a heady, potent cocktail. Christian’s stance has changed completely, subtly altered, harder and meaner. He gazes down at me and his eyes are heated, lustful… hypnotic.
Ing: There's so much wrong with that I don't know where to start. A) how can her blood be scared. B) It's like these descriptions are competing in the bland olympics
He runs his nose down my exposed neck, inhaling all the way, then back up to my ear. The muscles in my belly clench, carnal and wanting. Jeez, he's hardly touched me, and I want him.
Maya: Thanks, because we weren't already aware that you wanted to shag his brains out. You've only mentioned it like 90 times
Ing: Ahahha. and she makes it seem like it's so extraordinary that she wants him when he's hardly touched her. Hate to break it to you, sweetcakes, but it's actually very possible to want people you haven't even met, let alone touched
And suddenly he’s back - and all at once I’m calmer and more excited in the same breath. Could I be more excited? I can see his feet. He’s changed his jeans.
Ing: Could this prose be any worse?
I peek up at him, and he's staring at me intently, assessing, but his eyes soften. He's taken off his shirt. Oh my- I want to touch him. The top button of his jeans is undone.
Maya: Because...oh my
He reaches up and takes down some shackles with black leather cuffs.“This grid is designed so the shackles move across the grid.” I glance up. Holy shit - it’s like a subway map.
Ing: This girl has the most random thoughts that add nothing to the narrative at all. It's like a subway map? The fuck? Idk what it's supposed to tell me. Like... she says HOLY SHIT like it's a big deal and then she tells me it's like a subway map and I'm like…is this good? bad? weird?
"You look mighty fine trussed up like this, Miss Steele. And your smart mouth, quiet for now. I like that."
Maya: One of my friends says "mighty fine" all the time, so I literally LOL'd at this. WORST SEX TALK EVER
Ing: It is, omg. It makes him sound 80. MIGHTY FINE, MISS STEELE. MIGHTY FINE. NOW HELP ME FIND MY READING GLASSES
Uncoiling from the floor, rising lazily, like a jungle cat, he points the end of the riding crop at my navel, leisurely circling it - tantalizing me. At the touch of the leather, I quiver and gasp. He walks round me again, trailing the crop around the middle of my body. On his second circuit, he suddenly flicks the crop, and it hits me underneath my behind… against my sex. I cry out in surprise as all my nerve endings stand to attention. I pull against the restraints. The shock runs through me, and it’s the sweetest strangest, hedonistic feeling.
Ing: I DON'T UNDERSTAND. She was about to die from being spanked with a flat hand and now it's like...oh riding crops on my vagina. so hot. and idk...hedonistic, what word is that even in this context
"Quiet," he whispers as he walks around me again, the crop slightly higher around the middle of my body. This time when he flicks it against me in the same place, I'm anticipating it...oh my. My body convulses at the sweet, stinging bite.
Maya: THERE IT IS AGAIN. I WILL NEVER NOT HEAR THAT IN GEORGE TAKEI'S VOICE
“See how you taste. Suck. Suck hard, baby.” [...] “Oh, Anastasia, you taste mighty fine,” he breathes. “Shall I make you come?”
Ing: This dirty talk, unf unf
Maya: I don't know about you, but I'm pretty turned on right here
Ing: Yeah totally. If anyone I had sex with said 'Shall I make you come?' I'd laugh in his face and ask him where he dropped his monocle
He comes to a stop... but I can no longer see him. My eyes are closed as I try to absorb the myriad of sensations coursing through my body. Very slowly, he rains small, biting licks of the crop down my belly, heading south. I know where this is leading, and I try and psyche myself up for it- but when he hits my clitoris, I cry out loudly.
Maya: Okay. What?
Ing: I still can't wrap my head around how riding crop + clitoris is better than flat hand + ass and okay yeah she comes from him like...whipping her clitoris. and then we get this…
He thrusts again and again, his face at my neck, his harsh breathing at my throat. I feel the build up again. Jeez no… not again… I don’t think my body will with-stand another earth-shattering moment. But I have no choice… and with an inevitability that’s becoming familiar, I let go and come again, and it’s sweet and agonizing and intense.
Ing: I love when orgasms are described like a chore. So sexy
"Well done, baby," he murmurs. "Did that hurt?"
"No," I breathe. I can barely keep my eyes open. Why am I so tired?
Maya: IDEG what he's complimenting her on? "Well done, you let me fuck you!"
I’m leaning against his chest, my eyes are closed, and he’s wrapped around me - arms and legs - and I feel… safe, and oh so comfortable. Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?
Ing: HDU. HDU quote Shakespeare in your shitty erotica. And in such a horrible, horrible way
"Don't let go, Anastasia," he warns. "I'm going to fuck you hard from behind. Hold the post to support your weight. Understand?"
Maya: This is literally the most boring sex scene I have ever read
Ing: Seriously. It's just him telling her about everything like he's reading from a manual and lots of her saying oh my and holy shit
“You have such a captivating, sexy ass, Anastasia Steele. What I’d like to do to it.” His hands smooth and shape each of my buttocks, then his fingers glide down, and he slips two fingers inside me.
“So wet. You never disappoint, Miss Steele,” he whispers, and I hear the wonder in his voice. “Hold tight… this is going to be quick, baby.”
Ing: Help. I can't stop laughing. I need air
Maya: Oh jesus. I completely lost my shit at that part. I mean...seriously? SERIOUSLY? THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING WITH?
Ing: HAHA. Is this your final answer, author?
"Hold on, Anastasia!" he shouts through clenched teeth.
Maya: Because that's physically possible right there
Ing: "Hold on"? I mean, what? is he afraid she's gonna fall off his dick? It sounds like they're doing it on a speeding motorcycle or something
Maya: Or on a spiral staircase....
“Hold up your hands,” he says softly.
My arms feel like they’re made of lead, but I hold them up. He wields the scissors and passes one blade under the plastic.
“I declare this Ana open,” he breathes, and cuts the plastic.
Ing: I....uhm
Maya: This book isn't even INTENTIONALLY funny. All the jokes SUCK
"Sleep now, gorgeous girl," he whispers, and he kisses my hair.
Maya: Aaaaand that's Doctor Who ruined for me now as well
Ing: She's on a ruining rampage
Maya: In chapter 19, Ana is woken up to go and meet Christian's parents and decides to be ~naughty~ and not reclaim her panties from Christian, a fact we are reminded of 8900000 times in the chapter
He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he’ll either say yes or no. My inner goddess grins at me. Hell… two can play that particular game. Resolving there and then not to ask him for them and not give him that satisfaction, I shall go meet his parents sans culottes.
Ing: Hahahah she's completely obsessed with the fact that she's not wearing panties. But they go to his parents house where they have dinner and a really stilted bit of conversation.
“Have you been to Paris, Ana?” Mia asks innocently, distracting me from my jealous reverie.
“No, but I’d love to go.” I know I’m the only one at the table who has never left mainland USA.
“We honeymooned in Paris.” Grace smiles at Mr. Grey who grins back at her.
It’s almost embarrassing to witness. They obviously love each other deeply, and I wonder for a brief moment what it must be like to grow up with both one’s parents in situ.
“It’s a beautiful city,” Mia agrees. “In spite of the Parisians. Christian, you should take Ana to Paris,” Mia states firmly.
Maya: And Kate is a huge bitch to Christian, which is understandable but weird. And she let's slip that Ana is thinking of visiting her mom in Georgia and Christian flips out
Ing: It hardly seems like the time for that particular battle. I mean, I understand why she's short with him cause he's an ass, but in front of his entire family? that she too is trying to impress? It hardly makes any sense
Maya: And then we get a weird random aside about measles and vaccines and...what?
Ing: Omg that was THE WORST piece of writing I've ever encountered I think. Cause in the previous chapter, Ana sees some spots on Christian's chest and she's like "I wonder if it's measels or chicken pox scars." and then in this chapter, Christian's mother gets a call from the hospital and she's like OH A CHILD WITH MEASELS, THE FOURTH CASE THIS MONTH. And she's like THANK GOD NONE OF THE CHILDREN HAD ANY MEASELS, TEEHEE. subtle as a brick wall.
Maya: Kate also tells Christian about Jose and Christians freaks out and pulls Ana out of the room and carries her to the poolhouse to have his way with her. OH, AND WE FORGOT ABOUT THEIR EUROPEAN SERVANT WHO EYEFUCKS CHRISTIAN
Ing: Yeah they have a random servant that flirts with Christian and Ana keeps calling her *European Pigtails’. What does that even mean. And Christian is being his ridic self by being angry about Jose and about how Ana wants to go to Georgia to visit her mum. Because he's an ass.
Maya: Basically, fuck everything.