Modelland: Chapter 35-37
We're slowly creeping near the end of the book and some weird fucking shit goes down at Modelland. Our foreheads hurt from headdesking right now, that's all I'll say! (And this shit's bad. Really, really bad.)
Chapter 35
Bravo’s lopsided grin snaked its way up the side of his face and right into Tookie’s heart. “Oh, I hurt my hand during a photo shoot on the roof, and I came here today cuz I needed to have my thumb sucked.”
“That wasn’t nice,” Tookie said, blushing.
“Oh no … it was.” Bravo was the one to swoon this time. “It really was.”
Ing: OKAY I'M READY FOR THIS. I'M READY
Maya: Shall we discuss Chapter 35? In which Bravo becomes increasingly unrealistic and annoying
Ing: This is one of those 'what the fuck did I just read' chapters
Maya: For our readers information: Ing read this chapter before I did and proceeded to bombard me with lines from it in between the headdesking. It's beyond anything we've read yet, in my opinion
Ing: Yeah it's bad. it's so bad I don't actually even know where to start to be sure we get the full effect of how BAD it really is
Maya: Should we just discuss the creepiness of Bravo/Tookie?
Ing: yeah, we should. Bravo shows up at the window of Tookie's dormitory and has apparently been following her around everywhere
Ing: that reminds me of a certain sparkly vampire we all know
Maya: And her friends are all like "WHY YES, WE WILL LEAVE YOU WITH YOUR STALKER" and let him into the room.
Ing: IT'S FINE,IT'S FINE. BRAVO IS HOTTER THAN THE SUN, AND HOT STALKERS ARE FINE. GEEZ, MAYA
Maya: OH, I'M SORRY, I FORGOT. I LEFT MY "STEPHANIE MEYER'S GUIDE TO DATING" AT HOME
Ing: FOR SHAME. NO WONDER YOU'RE STILL SINGLE AND ALSO ALIVE
Tookie stared deeply into his caramel ones, and her knees felt like they would buckle. She sensed a gentle burning inside her stomach, and her hips felt like they were being tickled, even though Bravo’s hands were nowhere near them.
Bravo put his hand on the side of Tookie’s face. The warmth from it felt like sweet tea pouring into her mouth.
Maya: Aaaaaaanyway, Bravo starts manhandling various parts of Tookie's face and she decides she wants him to be her first kiss, which she terms as- and I shit you not- giving him her lip virginity. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL
“And what about the being-my-girlfriend part? Being my, ummm … my lady.”
Tookie couldn’t believe her ears. “Yes to that part too.”
“For real?”
“For real, Bravo.”
They fell silent for a moment. Tookie ducked her head. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I can’t wait to lose my … lip virginity to you.”
Ing: Yeah, and Bravo admits that he comes back for more thumb-sucking because apparently that's hot now. And Bravo does continue to be increasingly unrealistic as he starts talking about how EVERYONE ELSE JSUT THROWS THEMSELVES AT HIS FEET AND IT'S SO HARD BEING BEAUTIFUL, OMG and it's so great with Tookie cause she's not gorgeous and she doesn't throw herself at him AND THIS IS A TEENAGE BOY I can't
Maya: No seriously, we get a whole story about it which Tookie somehow doesn't realize it's about him until the end. COME ON. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID THESE CHARACTERS ARE. UGGGGGGGGGGGGH. I HATE EVERYONE
Ing: Yeah he calls himself Deco or something and talks about how he's only at Bestostero to look at the pretty architecture of Modelland. He decides that their first kiss should be in La Dorno, because apparently the important thing about a first kiss is the scenery and not the actual kiss
Maya: Obvs. And he's going to take her in the emergency ZipZap which he conveniently knows the location of since he's been building the stadium and it's under there and something called ManAttack is about to take place
Ing: Tookie decides that she'll make him show her where the emergency Zip Zap to La Dorno is, which sounds like a spectacularly bad idea to me, but fine. I don't care anymore XD. . Can I just say though, that explaining what happens in Chapter 35 in no way does justice to how absolutely terrible Tyra is at writing romance. (so hopefully the quoted bits will give you some idea)
Bravo smiled sincerely. “You’re a good girl, Tookie, and I respect you. I guess it’s just wishful thinking, the wanting-your-heart thing.…”
Tookie blinked at him. All of a sudden, she felt the urge to laugh-or maybe cry. She remembered what she looked like, and all the insults that had been hurled at her by her family, Zarpessa, Gunnero. And here was this faultless specimen of malehood, a guy prettier than Myrracle, wanting to spend time with her. She just couldn’t understand it.
Maya: Oh god yes. Tyra's romance is worse than SMeyer's. I swear, if this book is doing anything, it's MAKING ME APPRECIATE TWILIGHT
Ing: Another reason why this book should be banished forever XD
Chapter 36
Maya: So then we get to Chapter 36 in which we're stuck once again with Creamy and her minions and now she's made them construct a double sedan chair and carry her and Myrracle up the mountain because, of course
Ing: I mean, shit gets really weird here. Abigail, one of the girls trekking up the Divide, has previously been described as a spectacularly hairy person. And accoridng to dialoguye in this chapter, she's apparently trying to get Modelland to accept people like her but she snaps and shaves all of her hair off with a stone and turns out stunning of course
Abigail brought the knife to her chest.
“Noooo!” Harriet screamed. But instead of impaling her body with the weapon, Abigail began to scrape her body with it. A tuft of her thick underarm hair tumbled to the ground. With lightning speed, Abigail shaved her sideburns, her arms, her most private of parts, and then her legs. She finished by removing all the knee-length black hair from her head. Every trace of her hair, eyebrows included, was gone and lay in clumps at her feet.
[...]
Abigail was not simply pretty. She was out-of-this-world, breathtakingly beautiful-absolutely, undeniably, soul-stirringly stunning.
Maya: And Creamy gets jealous and all of a sudden there are fireballs so she tells Abigail and the former guide to run away and directs them into a fireball because, of course
Ing: Creamy basically kills everyone who may out-pretty Myrracle. But at this point I'm really confused about who are left in that group? I got a feeling there were some left but I thought they were all dead now idek
Maya: Well, by then end of the fireball explosion, only Hunchy is left. Who the hell Hunchy is, I have no clue
Ing: OH. Hunchy's the one who eats entrails. No clue why they named it Hunchy but, that's what I gather XD. Anyway, I think that about concludes that chapter. There's some weird shit about a monster that likes dancing, but at this point I just cannot deal. OH the only thing you need to know is that Creamy and Myrracle are very close to Modelland now.
Chapter 37
“Strip,” the Mannecant said.
Tookie stared at her. “Excuse me?”
“Didn’t you know?” The Mannecant’s thin lips curved into a smirk. “The ManAttack is performed in one’s underwear.” She pointed at the table; there was a stiff bra-and-panties set marked Tookie that was made with complicated strips of fabric.
Ing:And then Chapter 37 which is ManAttack. Care to explain what it is, Maya? XD
Maya: Well basically they choose a Bella and a Bestostero and make them "fight" in the weirdest fucking competition I've ever seen. In round one they have to ~touch~ and in round two, they have to put on clothing that shoots out of the ground and attacks them. In round three, they get bombs filled with makeup they have to put on before they explode and in round four they take a picture. Aaaaaand I'm done. I. AM. DONE.
Ing: Worst competition ever. I mean, couldn't she at least have thought of something interesting and challenging? Like, they have to Pose while battling a large wind fan or they have to catwalk over a pool of crocodiles
Maya: Ooooh and the crocodiles eat everyone and the book is OVER
Ing: That'd be amazing negl. WELL, let's see
Ing: Tookie has to fight Bravo, and they have a fight beforehand when Bravo comes to tell her all the details of the fight which he shouldn't. So basically Tookie is a cheaty-cheat-cheater. They fight when Tookie says she's gonna escape. and Tyra brings out the most CLICHED PLOT OF ALLL TIIIIME
Maya: Oh god. I hate this plot sfm. It's the cliche "I'M MAD AT YOU FOR LYING, SO I'M GOING TO LIE AND PRETEND I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE YOU AND YOU'LL BELIEVE ME" plot. Seriously, I think 1 out of every 4 romance novels has a plot like this
Then Bravo crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, Tookie, I’ll tell you a little secret, too. You and me, kissing? It was nothing but a bet with my boys.”
Her head whipped up. “What?”
“That’s right.” There was no joy in Bravo’s smile. “I made a bet with Webb and Alex that I could get a funny-looking girl to fall in love with me. The pretty ones … they’re easy. But the weird-looking ones … they’re the ultimate challenge.”
Ing: DOES ANYONE USE THAT ONE OUTSIDE FANFIC? And then Tookie fights Bravo and I have no idea what goes on in that fight, it's just fucking confusing. but she talks about a lot of things on stage which sounds to me like it should be private. And then it turns out that LE GASP, BRAVO DIDN'T WANT TO KISS HER ON A BET. *headdesk* And then Tookie wins because she finds a SMIZE and Bravo tells her what to do again. and Tookie wins the entire thing
Maya: And then Piper turns off the lights and they're about to ~escape! Only they won't because this is Tyra writing
Ing: I mean, half the book's left. Anyone with half a brain could realise that they're gonna either A) never escape or B) return soon
Maya: ACTUALLY only like a quarter of the book is left. I KNOW BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE HOW MUCH LONGER WE HAVE TO DO THIS
Ing: THANK YOU GOD, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU. And can we discuss their TERRIBLE plan for escape?
Maya: Yeah. Piper is apparently the stupidest genius ever
Ing: Since Piper is so smart, she's gonna go to the lighting switchboard and create a blackout. And Tookie's like "you need to find the on/off switch and create a blackout.” THEY HAVE AN ON/OFF SWITCH TO CREATE A BLACKOUT? WHY. Worst security EVER. This sounds like one of those really stupid supervillain machines from Saturday Morning Cartoons where equipments have a big red button that say CANCEL EVIL PLANS. IDEK everything is stupid. Everything is Modelland and EVERYTHING hurts
Maya: That's a good way to summarize the book
Ing: OH AND YES. Tookie wins over Chaste and Zarpessa, who were the other ones from the Bellas competing. But honestly, it bugs me that it's presented as some sort of amazing victory. She cheated. Bravo told her about the ManAttack and that she was competing and she wasn't suppoed to know. Then he walked her through all the challenges beforehand. And he wanted her to win, so he actively helped. I'm sorry I don't find cheating amazing!
Maya: Careful Ing, your Puff is showing
Ing: <.< >.>
Most WTF Moment
Ing:OKAY. most WTF MOment? I'm almost wondering if we should do two each, because... there are many, MANY wtf moments
Maya: I literally cannot get over Tookie offering him her lip virginity. I CANNOT DEAL WITH IT. I NEED THE BRAIN BLEACH BAD
Ing: OKay I think maybe mine is from chapter 37. it's in the beginning when Tookie freaks out about having to leave Bravo. and she's thinking to herself:
As much as she’d tried to tamp the feelings down, it was undeniable: she was in love. A love so deep, she never thought it could happen to her.
Ing: DUDE. NOT TWO CHAPTERS AGO SHE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM THAT MUCH and now she's suddenly ~IN LOVE~.
Notes I feel like we didn't to justice to Tyra's horrible writing in these chapters, so here's a few nuggets of terrible, terrible writing:
Dylan muttered, rolling her eyes at Tookie so hard that only the whites showed.
Bravo didn’t break his gaze. “These other girls here, they chase after me like I can solve all their problems. It’s always been that way for me, not just here, and it sucks. I open my mouth to say hi and women damn near pass out or wanna marry me, and I’m not even old enough to get into a club in LaDorno.”
Guru Gunnero’s voice blared through the air: “All you pure-and-prude Bellas, it’s time to lose it! Your ManAttack virginity, I mean! Report to the OrbArena at once! And don’t forget to bring protection! Elbow and knee pads, that is!” He snickered lewdly.
and then this one, because it needs repeating:
Tookie remained very still. He licked his thumb and then brought it to her eyebrow, slowly smoothing the unruly hairs down as he smiled into her mismatched eyes.