50 Shades Freed: Prologue + Chapter 1 - 3
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Did you ever think you'd see the day? We've missed having our soul ripped to shreds on a regular basis, so here we are to offer you the neverending joys of the last installment of the book series that has sold over 70 million copies world wide (fuck our lives): 50 Shades Freed.
Check the tags for our previous adventures:
50 Shades of Grey
50 Shades Darker
I stare up through gaps in the sea grass parasol at the bluest of skies, summer blue, Mediterranean blue with a contented sigh.
I'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark and say something's blue
Ing: OKAY LET'S GET CRACKING
Maya: So we're back because we're basically masochists who missed making ourselves angry at works of fiction. I guess that Miley Cyrus movie wasn't bad enough to sate us
Ing: No, there are few things that reach this level of absolute shit
Maya: I was literally two pages into it and in a burning fit of rage and Ing was laughing at me.
Ing: Laughing with delight! Because it hurts so good. Before we start, can we have a moment of stunned silence for these three lovely ladies mentioned in the acknowledgements:
Also thanks to my editing team Andrea, Shay and the ever lovely and only occasionally frothing Janine
Ing: Don't quit your day job, ladies. But if editing is your day job: please do quit
Maya: Let's just assume those were her fanfic editors, because God knows no real editor would have let this book be published as is
Ing: I'm assuming they are. But she needs new ones either way.
Maya: So, we open to the newlywed Ana and Christian honeymooning on a beach in Monaco OF COURSE, where they're staying on a luxury yacht OF COURSE and flashing back to their perfect wedding OF COURSE
Ing: I loved how, in the actual book, she was like "We are staying, of course, on board a luxury motor yacht." Obviously. I mean, what are we, peasants?
Maya: But just going to Monaco would be too ordinary! They're flying around on the world's most intricately described private jet to Ireland, London, AND Paris first
Ing: Oh yes. And we know all this from a flashback Ana has while on the beach in Monaco. And let me tell you, the flashbacks have the most subtle segues ever. I keep imagining the screen getting that squiggly dream affect and the flashback music twinkling in the background
I shut my eyes and let the sun warm my skin . . . warm my bones, and I drift away under its heat, my thoughts turning to my wedding day.
Maya: And we get to see their wedding night where Ana suddenly realizes she's heard of the Mile High Club!
Holy cow . . . another first. I gape at him, my heart pounding . . . the mile high club. I’ve heard about this.
Maya: And it's SO FUCKING PURPLE AND BORING I WANT TO PUT MY HEAD THROUGH A WALL
“So beautiful,” he says as he deftly undoes the first button. “You have made me the happiest man alive today.” With infinite slowness, he unfastens each one, all the way down my back. “I love you so much.” Trailing kisses from the nape of my neck to the edge of my shoulder. Between each kiss he murmurs, “I. Want. You. So. Much. I. Want. To. Be. Inside. You. You. Are. Mine.”
“Ah . . . wife of mine,” he murmurs and then his mouth is on me. I close my eyes and surrender to his oh-so-adroit tongue.
Ing: Yeah that sure was special and purply as fuck.I also love, though how he makes a big deal out of how they're going to refuel in Ireland and then they're going to London. Like, why would you need to refuel in Ireland if you're going to London, you're basically there already. Who refuels like under an hour before they're at the destination?
Maya: I also love how they've stopped using each other's names and are now using the annoying trope of calling each other Mr and Mrs
“Out of the Mediterranean sun, Mrs. Grey.”
“Thank you for your altruism, Mr. Grey.”
“My pleasure, Mrs. Grey, and I’m not being altruistic at all. If you
burn, I won’t be able to touch you.” He raises an eyebrow, his eyes shining with mirth, and my heart expands.
Ing: Shoot me now. I have a feeling they're going to be doing that for the entire book. And let's be real, these first three chapters are only about 1) How hot her ~husband~ is. 2) how rich he is and how all her money is hers now and she just has to get used to throwing money around like it's nothing. 3) describing material and shallow things in excruciating detail. it's like a case study in everything that is wrong with the world
Maya: And everything that you shouldn't want in a husband
Ing: He's such an asshole
Maya: So my major beef is the whole bikini incident, which is 100% everything that is wrong with Christian as a human being
Ing: Yeah, he throws a major tantrum about her wanting to sunbathe topless. And he's like "YOU'RE ALREADY SHOWING TOO MUCH"
“How would you feel if I went topless, like the other women on the beach?” I ask.
“Displeased,” he says without hesitation. “I’m not very happy about you wearing so little right now.” He leans down and whispers in my ear. “Don’t push your luck.”
“Is that a challenge, Mr. Grey?”
“No. It’s a statement of fact, Mrs. Grey.”
I sigh and shake my head. Oh, Christian . . . my possessive, jealous, control freak Christian.
Maya: And then she gets annoyed with him and takes off her bikini top and is lying around topless LIKE EVERYONE ELSE THERE and he flips a shit and makes her get back on to the boat and sail away and then punishes her with some highly improbable sex and gives her hickeys all over her chest so she can't wear a bikini. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
“I was on my front. I must have turned over in my sleep.” I whisper weakly in my defense.
His eyes blaze with fury. He reaches down, scoops up my bikini top from his sun lounger and tosses it at me.
“Put this on!” he hisses.
“Christian, no one is looking.”
“Trust me. They’re looking. I’m sure Taylor and the security crew are enjoying the show!” he snarls.
Ing: I don't even understand that handcuff sex scene. He puts a pair of cuffs on each ankle and then attaches them to her wrists and I cannot figure out the angle on this. Not to mention that handcuffs do not fucking fit around your ankles, they barely fit around your wrists ffs
Maya: And then he has sex with her like that, and tells her not to pee because apparently having a full bladder gives you a better orgasm?I am dubious of any science in this book, tbh
He groans loudly and thrusts deep, again and again, over and over, and I am lost, trying to absorb the pleasure. It’s mind-blowing . . . body blowing . . . I long to straighten my legs, to control my imminent orgasm, but I can’t . . . I’m helpless. I’m his, just his, to do with as he wills . . . Tears spring to my eyes. This is too intense. I can’t stop him. I don’t want to stop him . . . I want . . . I want . . . oh no, oh no . . . this is too . . .
“That’s it,” Christian growls. “Feel it, baby!”
Ing: And then it turns out he gave her so many hickeys on her chest that she looks like a rotten apple and can no longer wear bikinis for the rest of the trip. Excellent
Maya: Oh, and she has welts on her wrists and ankles and she's pissed at him for a full ten minutes before she gives in and eats her creme brulee
Ing: That's what gets me the most in these books: whenever she's rightfully angry, it always ends with her giving in because he looks so beautiful in the moonlight or some fucking bullshit
Maya: Or she's like "Oh he had a bad childhood, so I guess I can forgive him" and NO IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. Oh, and he's still calling his mother the crack whore
Ing: I love how after she had her topless adventure she's ~afraid~ he's gonna punish her and he's like: “Anastasia, you’re my wife, not my sub. I don’t ever want to hurt you. You should know that by now." UHMMMM, you're not supposed to actually hurt your subs either. Not the way you're talking about, you fucking horrible Dom I loathe you
Maya: It's supposed to be consensual! And agreed upon by both parties and because the sub gets pleasure out of being a sub
Ing: and I mean even then, there's hurt and then there's hurt, and as a Dom he's supposed to take care of his sub
Maya: Yeah, this is still a completely fucked up version of a Dom/sub relationship and EL James is the worst
Ing: I also love how we get this totally deep scene where Ana is looking at herself in the mirror thinking "I've changed so much since I met him" and I was like, oh we're going to actually get some character stuff here now? But nope:
I gaze at myself, trying to absorb how I look. My body is so different these days. It’s changed subtly since I’ve known him . . . I’ve become leaner and fitter, and my hair is glossy and well cut. My nails are manicured, my feet pedicured, my eyebrows threaded and beautifully shaped.
Ing: So, these books are really just a story about how Ana turns into a perfectly manicured, fit, rich woman in a horrifyingly abusive relationship (except the relationship is supposed to be romantic idk)
Maya: Yeah. And then Christian is all YOU'RE RICH NOW BABY and buys her a ton of shit including a 5,000 Euro painting of fruit and a platinum cuff
Ing: And then it's all a bunch of cheesy bullshit where they dance and proclaim purply shit to each other
He dips me low again and plants a swift kiss on my lips.
“I’d miss your love,” I murmur, echoing the lyrics.
“I’d more than miss your love,” he says and spins me once more. Then
he sings the words softly in my ear making me swoon.
Maya: And he refuses a pre-nup, just like any fantasy!husband
Ing: Hahaha yeah, why be practical am I right? NOPE, NOT GOING TO BE PRAGMATIC ABOUT MY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. We've known each other for a grand total of… a few months, after all
Maya: Oh, and there's a fire at Grey House. Whatever, don't care. It's a problem because I want to skim through all the porn because it's so bad, but the plot is super boring too
Ing: I know right, that's the exact problem. Whenever I think "thank god, the porn is over" I go "omg no stop talking, please stop talking" Can we also start a petition for E.L. James to stop writing jokes for all eternity?
"Your nuts, sir,” I say with as straight a face as I can manage, trying to bring some humor to our conversation after my dark thoughts and my bikini top faux pas.
He smirks. “I’m nuts about you.” He takes an almond, his eyes sparkling with wicked humor as he enjoys my little joke.
Maya: Ugh God, there is basically nothing redeeming about this book
Ing: God, no. it's literally the worst. When it's not infuriating, it's so sappy and cheesy and over the top with the cutesy names and neverending proclamations of "oh you're so beautiful oh oh" Which btw, I've never heard any of them compliment each other on anything but their beauty. It’s never like, "oh Ana, you're such a good person who does this and this for people." or "oh Christian, I love how you're so smart." It's always just OH MY HUSBAND IS AN ADONIS, HEEE HEEE, ALL THE OTHER GIRLS ARE JEALOUS AND OH BTW, MY BIKINI COST 450 DOLLARS HEEHEE
Maya: Basically this book is terrible and we should not be surprised
Bonus quotes:
Peeking up at him, I take a moment to admire his captivating beauty . . . and he’s mine. And it’s not just the allure of his fine, fine face and his body that has me spellbound. It’s what’s behind the perfection that draws me, that calls to me . . . his fragile, damaged soul.
The platinum Omega watch he gave me at breakfast on our first morning in London obscures the red line. The inscription still makes me swoon.
Anastasia
You are my More
My Love, My Life
Christian
“Ana,” His voice is a breathless whisper, the taste of fear tarnishing his mouth. “You’re here.”
(idek)
ETA:
I crack my spoon through the burnt sugar crust of my dessert and shake my head. Will I ever understand this man? Hmm-this crème brulée is delicious.
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