Modelland: Chapter 3+4
We've now realised that this book moves forward at a pace that is a near stand-still, so expect multiple chapters in one go! Here are Chapters 3 and 4, both encompassing one single scene...
Chapter 3
Then Tookie moved over to turn off the sink faucet, which was indeed gushing brownish water. “Don’t you dare!” Mrs. De La Creme screamed, and Tookie froze. “I’m keeping all the taps open until T-DOD! Water must flow continuously into this house! And when our SMIZE comes, we must catch it!” Every year, on the eve of T-DOD, the world’s reservoirs ran dry because everyone kept their taps open, looking for a SMIZE.
Maya: We get an even shorter chapter than the last
Ing: To get the plot things out of the way: Nothing really happens does it? Tookie is home in her castle thing. Her parents are over-the-top jerks. and she finds a SMIZE
Maya: Basically, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HER PARENTS. FIRST OF ALL HER MOTHER'S NAME IS CREAMY DE LA CRÈME. SERIOUSLY. WTF. THERE ARE NO WORDS. Also, why did her mom get such a cracked out name when her dad is named "Chris"
Ing: Yeah there are really no words left for this bullshit.. And her parents' treatment of Tookie makes Vernon and Petunia look like A+ guardians. But you know, even Vernon and Petunia stretched the limits of believability when it came to awfulness. So this is just over-the-top insanity. I think she chose to give her terrible parents because it's important that everyone treats Tookie SUPERBAD so that they can all feel omfg so bad when she gets accepted
Maya: Basically, Tookie is your classic self-insert Sue. I'm sorry, but it's like Tookie is supposed to be HP but ON CRACK. And apparently her sister is basically mentally retarded.. There is no other explanation for how dumb she's been written. Also, her best friend is Brian???? WHY DO SOME PEOPLE HAVE INSANE NAMES AND THE OTHERS ARE NORMAL? CONSISTENCY PLEASE
Ing: Yeah, and can we discuss how her dad is wearing a leotard or something?! He used to be a dancer!
Maya: A UNITARD
Ing: OMG EVEN BETTER
Maya: TYRA, I AM OVER YOUR SHIT. THE ANTM FINALE SEALED IT. I WANT WHAT YOU ARE SMOKING
Ing: And then in the midst of this entire insanity, the parents suddenly start having an srs bsns argument about adultery? Tyra really doesn't know how to stick to one tone in this thing. Also, I'm guessing her dad, Christopher' had the name 'De La Creme' and her mother married into it. And he just magically married a woman named Creamy? Did her mother specifically look for a dude with the name that would make hers into a terrible pun?
Ing: Do you understand what the SMIZEs are? It's driving me insane! It keeps being brought up and she even found one at the end of the chapter, but I can't figure out what they're supposed to be! What do they look like? Are they objects? Why do they appear in water? All I've figured out so far is that they have pretty colours
Maya: I think they're explained in the next chapter. I think they're gold or something. For some reason I got the impression that they were eyeglasses. But it's entirely possible I'm making this up
Ing: I think one of them looked like glasses, but I didn't get the impression all of them did, but I just don't understand what they are. It's really poor writing. Because they're explained, but not really explain at all
Maya: I mean, I think some of the ideas here could be good, but they are not at all executed properly
Ing: Can we also go into the fact that the pacing in this thing is ridiculous? You're not supposed to write about every single minute of every single day. If you take HP as an example, JKR sometimes made entire weeks pass in a sentence because that's how it's gotta be. So far Chapter 1 was: Tookie at school right before the day ended. Chapter 2 was: Tookie walking home from school. Chapter 3: Tookie getting home from school and talking to her family.
Chapter 4
“I suppose it will be funner-er if you’re there, Dookie,” Myrracle said in a conciliatory tone.
“Tookie,” Tookie said, feeling a barb of anger.
“That’s what I said!” Myrracle protested.
Yeah, right, Tookie thought. She noticed Brian snickering behind his hand.
“Don’t laugh at me!” Myrracle said, frustrated. “I’m on my periodical right now! It makes me forgetful!”
“It’s period, not periodical!” Tookie growled
Maya: So chapter 4…
Ing: WHY ISN'T THIS NOVEL MOVING FORWARDS? SNAIL PACE!
Maya: IKR. WE ALL KNOW SHE'S GOING TO MODELLAND. LET'S GET THERE ALREADY. And I'm still confused about the SMIZE. Is it a pin or glasses?
Ing: this one was paper-thin? Like, I don't even know. It's confusing! And also, it said you couldn't tell anyone. But all the other people who got one have been like...fighting for it and attracting public attention. Also, how ridic is Myrracle's stupid getting? I mean, honestly. She confused periodical and period
Maya: It’s beyond unbelievable. And model dance instead of walking? Don't they live in a world that worships models? Don't you think even a stupid person would know that? I mean really.
Ing: And the exaggerated meanness of her parents is getting so old. I can't. No one behaves like that.
Maya: Honestly, I'm done thinking about this book. It's exhausting me. I want something to HAPPEN. Is there really anything else to say? How nothing is happening.
Ing: I HAVE SOMETHING TO ADDRESS. "The SMIZE was made up of ornate eye-shadow-like flourishes in strokes of taxicab-, Dijon-, baby-chick-, banana-, and lemonade-yellow.” Wtf is this. I hate how everything is described so meticulously, but you still can't picture it. Because it's ridic. And also this: "Tookie's mother's breath quickened and her wrinkled face started to turn blue." How does that work? If her breath quickened why was she turning blue?
Maya: apparently she loses oxygen really fast? She was hyperventilating like crazy? Your face turns red when you do that. Once again, Tyra gets basic biological facts wrong.
Most WTF Moment
Ing: OKAY. MOST WTF MOMENT?
Maya: Where her mom kept talking about Tookie's baby fingers grabbing the baby gherkins. *shudders* For some reason that creeped me OUT. You?
Mrs. De La Creme thrust a small jar of pickles at Tookie. "Can those baby fingers of yours dig out a gherkin for me? I'm starving."
Ing: The most WTF moment for me was how over-the-top mean her parents were. It's not believable or relatable. And the very over-the-top nastiness is very bad!fic
Mrs. De La Creme stared at him. “Tookie, make me some tea.”
Tookie flinched. “B-b-but Creamy, you d-d-don’t like-”
“D-d-duh,” Mrs. De La Creme imitated nastily. “Spit it out!”