50 Shades Darker: Chapter 1 and 2
So here's the deal. Rough & Ready bores us to tears. So we're putting it on hold because we just can't. We'll probably finish it between the next two books or something. Instead, we're skipping to 50 Shades Darker! YAY? or...well. At least we're not bored.
Ready?
Take us into the darkest timeline, Evil!Abed
I have spoken to no one, not even my mother or Ray. I don’t have the capacity for idle talk now. No, I want none of it. I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak.
Maya: Well, we pick up five days after the last book ended, further proving that this was a fanfic and that the cutoff was weird and arbitrary. Ana has started work and apparently hasn't eaten for five days which is TOTALLY NORMAL of course
Ing: Yeah all she's eaten in 5 days is like... a cup of yoghurt?
Maya: And a banana and lots of coffee. I don't know what this girl's obsession with not eating is, but it's unhealthy
I am finding it difficult to eat. By Wednesday lunchtime, I manage a cup of yogurt, and it’s the first thing I’ve eaten since Friday
Ing: And Ana is having a totally melodramatic breakdown about her ~anguish~. At least Bella was without Edward for months. This is just ridiculous
I cry myself to sleep at night, wishing I hadn’t walked out, wishing that he could be different, wishing that we were together. How long will this hideous overwhelming feeling last? I am in purgatory.
For a moment, I allow myself the illusion that all will be well, and it soothes my ravaged soul.
Maya: She's basically moping around and sobbing at all time except when she's at work being creeped on by her boss. OH WE FORGOT ABOUT THE SUPREMELY WEIRD PROLOGUE
Ing: Oh LORD. That shit is confusing! The prologue is in first person, right, and it's this scene where a woman gets abused seen from the perspective of the I-persona. So it's super confusing cause I thought it was Ana since she is the first person elsewhere in the book
Maya: But no. It's apparently four year old Christian seeing his mother get beaten by her pimp because she's a crack whore donchaknow
Ing: Yeah, and we learn that in the last paragraph of the prologue so it's just super confusing. Like, learn2write. You can't have two first person perspectives in a book like that without making a distinction. it makes no bloody sense
Maya: It's basically him dreaming about it and it's ridiculously confusing and pointless. It doesn't make me sympathetic to him AT ALL. Still a jackass
Ing: such a jackass
Maya: Aaaaaanyway, he sends her flowers for her first day, like a passive aggressive dickwad
Ing: Chrisward really doesn't understand how break ups work
Maya: And then emails her about giving her a ride to Jose's photography exhibit. Like a dickwad
Ing: Yep. And she lets him take her, so he picks her up from work in his fancy car and they get in the back seat and like I can't even. The first thing he says is YOU HAVEN'T BEEN EATING
Maya: YOU'VE LOST FIVE POUNDS
Ing: Fuck this shit, I've already had 500 pages in the other book with the same conversations over and over and now it's the same shit again! WHY AREN'T YOU EATING. NOW YOU MUST EAT. EAT NOW ANASTASIA. WHEN DID YOU LAST EAT. DON'T BITE YOUR LIP
Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin. He clasps my hand and grazes my knuckles with his thumb, and all my muscles clench tightly, deliciously, deep inside me.
Holy cow. How can he still do this to me?
“Please don’t bite your lip, Anastasia,” he whispers.
Maya: Yeah, we get that whole conversation VERBATIM. Completely ridiculous. And then they get in the helicopter and there's touching and deep dark thrills and really terrible ~romantic~ dialogue
He glances down at me, gray eyes alive, and it’s there in the air between us, that electricity. It’s palpable. I can almost taste it, pulsing between us, drawing us together.
“Oh my,” I gasp as I bask briefly in the intensity of this visceral, primal attraction.
“We’ve chased the dawn, Anastasia, now the dusk,” his voice comes through on the headphones. I turn to gape at him in surprise.
What does this mean? How is it that he can say the most romantic things?
Ing: I can't. They both talk about how miserable they've been and omg it's been so horrible. Blablabala. my soul is torn apart, blabalabla it's been a dark abyss, blabablbalbla
“I’m anything but fine. I feel like the sun has set and not risen for five days, Ana."
Welcome to Northern Norway in the winter, bitch!
Maya: So they get to Jose's show and everyone ~knows her~ and she finds out because Jose creepily took pictures of her without her knowledge AND THEN PUT THEM UP FOR SALE WTF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE
Ing: RIGHT. I WAS LIKE, THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN. LIKE, who would use artwork of anyone without asking first?! Even if it is your friend. I mean what
Maya: COMPLETELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS. And Ana doesn't even call Jose out on it! Like she's just like "Thanks for telling me" and I'm like WTF STAND THE FUCK UP FOR YOURSELF
Ing: So Christian has a fit and buys all of them because I doesn't want strangers oggling her. And then Christian gets in a jealous rage because she HUGS José and like drags her out of there even though she begs him to stay because she wants to stay at her friend's gallery opening. I hate him so much. He's so awful
I flush, and Christian runs his hands through his hair, bristling with barely contained anger. I glare back at him.
“I’m taking you for something to eat. You’re fading away in front of me. Find the boy, say good-bye.”
“Please, can we stay longer?”
“No. Go. Now. Say good-bye.”
I glare at him, my blood boiling. Mr. Damned Control Freak. Angry is good. Angry is better than tearful.
Maya: Ugggggh and then they kiss and she APOLOGIZES FOR SOME FUCKING REASON and then they get in the car and he's all MY SOUL IS DARK WITHOUT YOU YOU ARE MY LIGHT ETC ETC. And offers to try a ~vanilla~ relationship in order to keep her
I gasp, and his mouth swoops down. He’s kissing me, violently. Briefly our teeth clash, then his tongue is in my mouth.
Desire explodes like the Fourth of July throughout my body, and I’m kissing him back, matching his fervor, my hands knotting in his hair, pulling it, hard.
[...]
He breaks off the kiss, panting. His eyes are luminous with desire, firing the already heated blood that is pounding through my body. My mouth is slack as I try to drag precious air into my lungs.
“You. Are. Mine,” he snarls, emphasizing each word. He pushes away from me and bends, hands on his knees as if he’s run a marathon. “For the love of God, Ana.”
I lean against the wall, panting, trying to control the riotous reaction in my body, trying to find my equilibrium again.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper once my breath has returned.
Ing: I hate that she apologises to him for 'leading José on'. like what the flying fuck. SHE HUGGED HER FRIEND. and why isn't he apologising for being a jealous asshole who isolates her from life?!
Maya: Fuck, I hug my guy friends ALL THE TIME. I hug guys who are just acquaintances! NONE OF THEM ARE LED ON. IT'S JUST SOMETHING YOU DO JFC
Ing: I'm sure Jose can take care of himself too, tbh. No need for Christian to play the 'poor Jose' card to make Ana feel guilty. LIKE A DICKWAD
Maya: Ugh, so Ana decides she will take him up on his offer of a relationship and he gives her a gift and...I CAN'T. ING, I CAN'T. THE FUCK. HER REACTION. JFC
“Those photos the boy took . . . I can see how he sees you. You look so untroubled and beautiful, not that you’re not beautiful now, but here you sit. I see your pain. It’s hard knowing that I’m the one who has made you feel this way.
“But I’m a selfish man. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office. You are exquisite, honest, warm, strong, witty, beguilingly innocent; the list is endless. I am in awe of you. I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul.”
Ing: I hate everything
Maya: Basically, he gives her an iPad with music and apps and shit AND SHE ACTS LIKE IT'S ALL MAGIC AND ANALYZES EVERY SONG ON THE PLAYLIST. LIKE COLDPLAY. FUCKING COLDPLAY
Selecting a song that catches my eye, I press play. It’s called “Try” by Nellie [sic] Furtado.
She starts to sing, and her voice is a silken scarf wrapping around me, enveloping me. I lie down on my bed.
Does this mean Christian’s going to try? Try this new relationship? I drink in the lyrics, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand his turnaround. He missed me. I missed him. He must have some feelings for me. He must. This iPad, these songs, these apps-he cares. He really cares. My heart swells with hope.
Ing: She's like HE GOT ME THE WHOLE BRITISH LIBRARY WITH THE TOUCH OF MY FINGERS and I'm like IT'S CALLED AN APP. HE DIDN'T PERSONALLY COMPILE ALL THE BOOKS
Holy shit! The British Library? I touch the icon and a menu appears: Historical collection. Scrolling down, I select novels of tHe 18tH and 19tH century. Another menu. I tap on a title: The American by Henry James. A new window opens, offering me a scanned copy of the book to read. Holy crap-it’s an early edition, published in 1879, and it’s on my iPad! He’s bought me the British Library at a touch of a button.
Maya: And then they have a weird conversation via email
Ing: In summary... nothing's fucking changed. What was even the point of the break up tbh
Maya: Nope, they break up for FIVE FUCKING DAYS AND TREAT IT LIKE IT WAS AN ENTERNITY. FUCK EVERYTHING. Oh man, I'm glad we're reading these books again. I'm invested in my hatred once more
Ing: I mean, you get Christian agreeing to be in a 'vanilla relationship' at first and then work themselves up to 'kinky' things , but ins't that what they've basically been doing all along tbh? it's hardly a new development AND HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO HER. IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH THINGS. LIKE. He asks what her issues are and she's like I DON'T LIKE THE CONSTANT THREAT OF VIOLENCE and then he turns around and threatens her with spankings in an email. Like, god, HATE. HATE (it feels good to hate so much).
Maya: JFFFFFFFFFC
Ing: Oh man. The playlist hahahah the way she goes on and on about the songs. This is something EL James clearly got from SMeyer. This namedropping of bands and songs she likes
Maya: OF COURSE HER FAVORITE BAND IS SNOW PATROL. OF COURSE.
Ing: And like dragging them through the mud. I'll never forgive SMeyer for besmirching the good name of Muse
Maya: I MEAN, DID WE REALLY NEED ANA DECONSTRUCTING THE LYRICS OF "THE SCIENTIST"? NO. WE DIDN'T
Ing: POOR DECONSTRUCTING TBH. Also. these two chapters were a purple prosy hell on wheels
Maya: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha even my most purpley attempts can't compare
Ing: SERIOUSLY. The purple just oozes out of this one, I don't think she's even trying
Maya: It's so melodramatic it almost crosses over into being hilarious. Almost
I know who to blame for this:
