Rough and Ready: Chapter 9, 10 and 11
Oh, you guys. A new height in the art of porn-writing has been reached. We are truly, truly in awe of this author's way with words. It's just that good, honestly.
uhm. NSFW.
"Let us put an end to this unsavory discussion. I have no breasts to speak of, and everyone knows that men crave big udders."
He choked at her crudity, then grinned. "Haven't you ever heard that the best gifts come in small packages?"
Maya: Soooo plot type things happen in between a lot of truly mind-boggling sexxing scenes
Ing: And let's just be upfront here and say that we're totally leaping over the plot things to get to the sex because, let's be honest, who really cares
Maya: No one
Maya: I mean, so Torolf raids Steinwhateverhisface's place and brings back loads of menfolk who are apparently related to him and Hilda? Including his cousins Thorfinn and Steven because, those are two names that go together
Ing: I still can't get over Thorfinn and Steven. I'm like...the flying fuck. Thorfinn could at least pass for being Norwegian, but Steven just...really does not. They're assholes, anyway
Right now, they were jogging from the keep to the fjord and back again, over and over… an exercise that was as natural as breathing to the SEALs, but that the women considered ridiculous.
Inge said breathily, "I do not care how many muscles my thighs get. My breasts are bouncing like a ship in a storm."
"Good thing I am not nursing," Helwig joked. "Otherwise I might be churning butter here."
Maya: Anyway, after that Hilda has some truly bizarre conversations with the kitchen wenches who, in the grand tradition of kitchen wenches, are the authority on the sexxors
Ing: I'm at a loss for words, actually. And we learn that at least some of the SEALs have been sexxing up the girls, and I feel personally affronted to not have been let in on this scene TBQH. Instead we've had Hilda and Torolf mooning and brooding around like idiots
Maya: I mean, I assume it's the Cajun dude since Geek is apparently an idiot, JAM is saintly and Pretty Boy is obsessed with sexually harassing Britta Perry. PRETTY BOY IS THE WORST
Ing: And you know she's gonna end up giving in, which somehow makes it cute or something. I don't get it
Maya: Anyway, Hilda learns about condoms and oral sex from these kitchen wenches in the most painfully weird way
"They put these things over their manparts," Dissa explained and burst out laughing.
"Things?"
"Yea, cone-dumbs. They looks like sausage casings," Dissa's sister Dotta said with a snort of laughter.
Well, that is certainly… dumb. "They put sausage casings over their manparts? Why?"
Several of the women shrugged.
"I know men are vain about their manly staffs, but really, dressing one up-in a sausage casing, of all things-that does press the bounds between sensible and laughable. 'Twould be like putting a tunic on a dog or a gunna on a chicken."
Ing: I have no more cans to give
" 'Tis the oddest thing," Astrid began, speaking with the slight lisp caused by her imperfect tongue. "That evil thing that Steinolf's men made me do-putting their horrid manparts in my mouth-well, I did not know that normal men did the same thing. Cunning-ling-us, they call it."
Maya: Like, how was that even written?
Ing: She thought it was funny, no doubt. Fucking weird, was what it was. And then after that they talk more strategy, which is fucking boring so let's not get into it. and theeeeeeen idk, Thorolf and Hilda end up sexxing it up and lord help us.
I am waist deep and sinking fast.
Where's the mead? No, where's Hilda?
Come out, come out, wherever you are, honey. Here comes the big bad wolf… and he's huuuuungry.
Maya: Hahahaha in the steamroom, as you do
Ing: I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT EVEN WORKS LIKE DOES THE AUTHOR KNOW HOW HOT IT GETS IN THERE? How do you even have sex there without dehydrating
"Please, honey, I need to… oh, man, oh, man…" Her breasts were small, with nipples like small marbles. He rolled her to her back again, her chemise nestled on her hips. Kneeling between her legs, he put his hands to both breasts, kneading them. The nipples felt like bullets pressing in his palms. Still kneading, he used his thumbs to strum the nipples into even harder peaks.
Maya: And they have quite a bit of the sexxing
Ing: Oh god, I don't even know where to start with this, Maya. For reals
Note to Torolf: ears and breasts, highly erogenous zones on Hilda. "Don't fight it. Let it go, that's the way."
"Oh, oh, oh, oh… shhhhh, shhhhh, shhhhh… oh, my gods… oh, sweet mother of Thor!" she wailed, her hips raised so strongly she lifted him up. And then she crumpled flat with a long sigh.
And he was so hard he could have probably drilled concrete with his dick.
Maya: WE CAN'T. THERE ARE NO WORDS
When she opened her eyes, he said, "Wow! Are you ready for me to go down on you?"
She frowned her confusion.
"Cunnilingus."
"That was not… it?"
"No, honey, it was not. This is." With those words, he parted her legs, shimmied himself downward so that his face was there and began to lick her. Licking? There? Oh, good gods!
Mortified, she tried to shove him away, but he would not budge. "Be still, Hilda, I want to eat you."
Eat me? Eeeeek! "Nay, stop it at once."
But he would not stop, and soon she did not care. In fact, her fingers were in his hair, encouraging his talented tongue. In the end, when he sucked on her there, she screamed. Low and long. Until there was silence and she lay limp as a soppy rag.
Ing: LITERALLY NONE. EXCEPT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WORDS EVER WRITTEN IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. THERE ARE THOSE.
Maya: HAHAHAHAHAHA. OH GOD AND THE FOLLOW-UP SEXXING SCENE. WHICH INCLUDES MY FAVORITE SENTENCE EVER TO EXIST IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
He was out of control.
She was out of control.
He ground out his mind-blowing release.
She arched her belly up against his and refused to let his cock go as she convulsed around him, pumping every drop from him.
He was in dick heaven.
HE WAS IN DICK HEAVEN.
Ing: I HAD TEARS OF LAUGHTER ON MY FACE, I WON'T EVEN DENY IT TO BE HONEST
Maya: SHAKESPEARE HAS NOTHING ON SANDRA HILL
Ing: NO, DEFINITELY NOTHING.
He was braced on both hands in sort of a push-up position, but his thoughts right now were far from PT. Leaning down, he placed his lips over hers, and then he began the long strokes against the abrading muscles of her inner walls. She sucked at him there, then let him slide. Merciful heavens! He'd thought to be the one running the show, but she was the one unconsciously calling the shots. He heard himself making woofing sounds and chanting, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes…"
Maya: LIKE, WAS THIS INTENDED TO BE FUNNY? THERE'S NO WAY THIS COULD HAVE BEEN THOUGHT AS SEXY
Ing: I don't understand her angle. I think she's trying to go for quirky? like...romance doesn't have to be all serious to be hot, except this isn't hot
Maya: Oh God no, it so isn't
Ing: And the things that are funny are the things that aren't supposed to be. Also, all of these romance novels make orgasms sound like the end of the world. Like... I'm sure there's a lot of intense orgasms out there, but jfc, come on
Maya: Hilda faints a couple of times, as you do
Ing: It's not like the sky is like falling down and the world is ~lit up by sparks~ and all the waterfalls in the world start moving with your rhythm and the birds start singing let's get it on or something. Like, fuck off with that shit, I literally can't
Maya: Welcome to every romance novel ever?
Ing: Yeeeeeees, but it's so annoying. It makes the sex less hot cause it just makes me go 'lol okay'. I mean, you can write intense orgasms without going completely insane with it
Maya: It's true. Oh, and apparently Vikings are born with an S-spot- at least, Viking women are. THAT CAN ONLY BE REACHED BY VIKING MEN
"First, I think we need to find your G-spot."
"My what?"
"G-spot," he repeated, putting a hand over her nether hair. "It's right about here… on the inside."
"And what does this spot do?"
"It will make you come… like a man."
Hilda furrowed her brows, unable to figure out what he meant.
"And after that, I think we should find your Viking S-spot."
"You jest."
"No, I do not, babe."
"I have ne'er heard of it. How can you call it Viking?"
"Well, maybe only the Vikings in my family know of it."
"And where is that S-spot located?"
"Uh, uh, uh! It's a secret, but I'll give you a clue. It can only be found with the male tongue."
Ing: HAHAHAHA. for the life of me I can't figure out if she's serious or kidding about that. LIKE. WHAT?! Oh I'm gonna find your viking s-spot
Maya: And then there are plotty things involving Torolf being surprised that Viking men don't think women have rights? Um....duh? And Torolf is all ~shocked~ that he'd ever think of another man as a misogynist and I'm all OKAY, GO DIAF NOW PLEASE
Ing: And then the guys ruin this dam the women built for safety, cause the guys need it to get their longships in. but Hilda freaks out and Torolf is an ass and they argue and it's all really boring
Maya: Bring back the amazing sexxing language! DICK HEAVEN FTW
HE WAS IN DICK HEAVEN