(no subject)
I can feel a breakdown coming. I haven't felt this way in years, but I feel it again now. And I don't know who to talk to about it, so I'm just going to talk about it here. I've mentioned my roommate stuff before; she has struck again. When I got home from work on Saturday night, there was a note in the door saying if $650 isn't paid by the 17th, our landlady would start the eviction process. Because my roommate didn't get her rent in on time for the second month in a row. I also got a call saying that I should look for a new place or a new roommate. I just... I'm such a pushover. I talked to Amy, and I told her those things, but I wasn't as firm as I should have been. That's mostly because we happened to be at her workplace at the time, and I haven't seen her until today, but still. I could've said more. It's about 3:30pm now, and I slammed my fist on her door about 15 minutes ago to wake her up and send her to pay the rent.
I just don't understand how she can treat all this so lightly. It isn't a game. If she wants to move out, if she can't afford it, if she doesn't want to have to afford it that's fine, I can get a replacement for her in a second because Jill said she'd move in if Amy moved out. She said she'd never pay rent late again, but the thing is, she barely has the money now, and it's already mid-March. Rent's due again in about 20 days, what the hell is she going to do then? I don't trust her anymore, which I think is fair. And if she's late again, that's it, I know it. Three strikes. I just can't handle this, my chest is tight, and I can't breathe, and I feel like I want to throw up, and I'm crying... I just can't do this.
What's worse is that while I hate talking about it because I feel like I've brought it upon myself, knowing that she's been a terrible roommate the last couple months, I feel like I have to talk about it so I don't go crazy. But I've talked everyone's ears off about it, and I would completely understand if they don't want to hear about it anymore. I just don't know where that leaves me. My dad is supportive, but again, I've talked to him and my mom about this a lot already, too. At this point, it probably just sounds like whining, but I am in so much emotional turmoil right now, and it's because of Amy. If she was gone, I'd be so much happier, I think. But I feel like I've worn out my welcome, in this sense, at least. I try hard to be a good friend to people, but sometimes it just feels like... I don't know. I know you're not supposed to expect anything from people or whatever, but a lot of the time, I feel like I'm the friend of convenience. I'm talked to not because I'm loved, I'm talked to because there's nobody else. I've felt that way for years and years, since I was a kid, so I guess I should just accept it as truth? I don't know why I'm saying this, I'm not looking for someone to pat me on the head and say, "there, there, that's not what you are."
I just wish that things were different. My heart hurts at the thought of how this friendship with Amy has been disintegrating before my very eyes, and I guess it's just making me feel so alone. Anyway, I'll carry on like we must do. Just needed to get it out.
Oh, by the way, I just want to give a quick thanks to those who asked after me due to the tsunami. I'm totally fine, O'ahu was barely scratched, and there wasn't much damage at all. Thank you for your concern, and let's keep Japan in our thoughts.
I just don't understand how she can treat all this so lightly. It isn't a game. If she wants to move out, if she can't afford it, if she doesn't want to have to afford it that's fine, I can get a replacement for her in a second because Jill said she'd move in if Amy moved out. She said she'd never pay rent late again, but the thing is, she barely has the money now, and it's already mid-March. Rent's due again in about 20 days, what the hell is she going to do then? I don't trust her anymore, which I think is fair. And if she's late again, that's it, I know it. Three strikes. I just can't handle this, my chest is tight, and I can't breathe, and I feel like I want to throw up, and I'm crying... I just can't do this.
What's worse is that while I hate talking about it because I feel like I've brought it upon myself, knowing that she's been a terrible roommate the last couple months, I feel like I have to talk about it so I don't go crazy. But I've talked everyone's ears off about it, and I would completely understand if they don't want to hear about it anymore. I just don't know where that leaves me. My dad is supportive, but again, I've talked to him and my mom about this a lot already, too. At this point, it probably just sounds like whining, but I am in so much emotional turmoil right now, and it's because of Amy. If she was gone, I'd be so much happier, I think. But I feel like I've worn out my welcome, in this sense, at least. I try hard to be a good friend to people, but sometimes it just feels like... I don't know. I know you're not supposed to expect anything from people or whatever, but a lot of the time, I feel like I'm the friend of convenience. I'm talked to not because I'm loved, I'm talked to because there's nobody else. I've felt that way for years and years, since I was a kid, so I guess I should just accept it as truth? I don't know why I'm saying this, I'm not looking for someone to pat me on the head and say, "there, there, that's not what you are."
I just wish that things were different. My heart hurts at the thought of how this friendship with Amy has been disintegrating before my very eyes, and I guess it's just making me feel so alone. Anyway, I'll carry on like we must do. Just needed to get it out.
Oh, by the way, I just want to give a quick thanks to those who asked after me due to the tsunami. I'm totally fine, O'ahu was barely scratched, and there wasn't much damage at all. Thank you for your concern, and let's keep Japan in our thoughts.