(no subject)
Hmmm. There's so much to say, and not a way to say it. Not a way that doesn't paint me as a total fuck up anyway.
Coffee meetings seem innocent enough. But I made the mistake and hugged R back last week. He kissed. I kissed back. Our bodies just remembered each other and it was so automatic. Then I got in my car and drove away. Fast.
It's not that I feel guilty, because there's nothing left in my heart but tender pity. I'm not going to tell L either. He wouldn't understand, and he'd get so mad. Not to mention I forgave his kiss with another without even hesitating last year. People make mistakes.
But either way I try to explain it to people, I feel like a jerk. I'm allowed my indiscretions, but others make me feel so bad about it. It was a stupid kiss that shouldn't happened. I didn't do anything more. Hell, it didn't even last long. It was his desperate attempt at a second chance and for a moment I fell.
On top of that I am going through a "I don't know what I want to do with my life and everyone around me is married with kids and I'm still not even sure of my goals" phase. I interviewed for the job on friday. I just didn't like it. It's far away. The hours are longer. I'd have so much more responsibility. I'm just not ready for it. I don't want to be a manager of a program like that. I don't want to be responsible for others well beings and jobs. I just want to keep fucking around until I know what I want in life.
Social Work. Special Education. Case Manager. Psychologist. Artist. Designer. Mom. Wife. These are all branches I could climb and I'm at the fucking base of the tree staring up. I can't choose. I'm afraid I'll choose the wrong one and lead a horribly miserable life. Or else the choice I truly want (artist) would require a complete overhaul of my life. I want to go to the Art Institute and get a BA in game art & design and do that the rest of my life. But where will I live? How will I pay the bills? Where will I work?
Change is hard. Scary. And my enemy.
Coffee meetings seem innocent enough. But I made the mistake and hugged R back last week. He kissed. I kissed back. Our bodies just remembered each other and it was so automatic. Then I got in my car and drove away. Fast.
It's not that I feel guilty, because there's nothing left in my heart but tender pity. I'm not going to tell L either. He wouldn't understand, and he'd get so mad. Not to mention I forgave his kiss with another without even hesitating last year. People make mistakes.
But either way I try to explain it to people, I feel like a jerk. I'm allowed my indiscretions, but others make me feel so bad about it. It was a stupid kiss that shouldn't happened. I didn't do anything more. Hell, it didn't even last long. It was his desperate attempt at a second chance and for a moment I fell.
On top of that I am going through a "I don't know what I want to do with my life and everyone around me is married with kids and I'm still not even sure of my goals" phase. I interviewed for the job on friday. I just didn't like it. It's far away. The hours are longer. I'd have so much more responsibility. I'm just not ready for it. I don't want to be a manager of a program like that. I don't want to be responsible for others well beings and jobs. I just want to keep fucking around until I know what I want in life.
Social Work. Special Education. Case Manager. Psychologist. Artist. Designer. Mom. Wife. These are all branches I could climb and I'm at the fucking base of the tree staring up. I can't choose. I'm afraid I'll choose the wrong one and lead a horribly miserable life. Or else the choice I truly want (artist) would require a complete overhaul of my life. I want to go to the Art Institute and get a BA in game art & design and do that the rest of my life. But where will I live? How will I pay the bills? Where will I work?
Change is hard. Scary. And my enemy.