(no subject)
okay so...lets see...ummm...this weeks been pretty depressing. Lindsays daddy died and wednesday night i went to the wake. then i come home and michael tells me his papa died. then i lost it i just started cryin and really thinkin about things. i've lost 3 grandpas...and i only have one left. but i couldnt imagine losing my father, especially with the relationship we have now, or the lack there of. so yesterday was papa's funeral and since it was a half day for us i went to michaels after school and then rode with chris, greg and kacie and michael to the funeral home. but seeing michael hurt like he was, made me lose it again...i tried so hard to be strong and not cry but i dunno i just couldnt control it towards the end. i didnt know what to do or say, i just hugged him. but i realized that im not even close to being over him. i love him with all my heart. and i cant love anyone else...i will never love anyone quite like i love this boy. and that makes me feel so guilty...how can i possibly date someone when i still have these feelings for someone else? thats so unfair to jamie, and i dont want to hurt him. but i know its inevitable. but i think i just need time to get over michael...and let it go. even tho i've tried many times before. i really dont know what to do! im so happy with jamie..and what we have is great. but i sit there and i see michael and i know im still in love. and i know that if it was the other way around i dont think i'd like jamie feeling this way about another girl. but i dont wanna break up with him...i love his familly and friends and i love being around him and talking to him. but i dont love HIM quite yet...ya know? i care about him alot, which is why this is so difficult. sometimes i wish i could be a bitch n just leave him and not look back. but i cant do that...but i dont know what to do...what would you do?? :/