from the series "old love letters that were really just e-mails"
TO A BOY I THOUGHT I LOVED JUST BECAUSE HE HAD FINGERS
September 27, 2007
A year after we were born, Ronald Reagan granted amnesty. For the
first time in American history, the government had started to close
the borders and send away illegal immigrants. This caused a widespread
panic, so the old man, the former actor, the President of the United
States passed the Immigration and Control Act of 1986, allowing
amnesty for one year on illegal immigrants. They had one hear to come
forward, apply for citizenship and once and for all live the American
dream without the fear of perscusion. This was a suprising thing that
he did that, he was a Republican, he was a conservative, he wasnt
heavily involved with foreign affairs, but for the first time, and the
only time, amnesty was granted in the United States. Everyone was
forgiven.
There was this point a few months ago when I was at a really good
place because I had granted amnesty to everyone. To you, to myself- to
everybody. It was July I guess, August. From April to August I put
myself on a little plan of positive thoughts, I did a lot of writing,
I did a lot of crying. I left you alone. I came to the conclusion that
I had been special to you, but I was just too much of a force for you
to have in your life, that there were too many emotions attatched in
between us. I started dating again, I started talking to you again,
and I thought I could handle everything. When we were together I had
this huge fear that I could just stop mattering to you, that one
morning you would wake up &look at me and you'd realize in a half
happy, half sad way that you didn't love or need me. There was a way
you started talking to me over Spring Break that kind of made me get
it, it was almost patronizing, like you knew something I didn't know,
which, I guess, well-you did. So I would start constructing talks to
make us feel better. I felt safe in your house, I felt safe with my
bare feet on the tile floor, I felt safe in your bed. But most of all
I felt lucky, I'd look at you and in my heart I knew that I wasnt
going to cry because of you, that you were mostly good, and if it came
down to it, you wouldnt turn me away. I knew that you'd never be the
kind of boy who let me cry myself to sleep every night without
explination.
So the thing that became hard for me over the last few months was the
fact that my feelings didnt matter to you, that I was easily replaced,
that I was disposed of. That I could call you sobbing and say
Please just talk to me I dont understand anymore and I cant sleep,"
and you wouldnt lose a wink over it. I'd have stomach pains and I
wouldnt be able to eat and I knew that if I came to you, you wouldnt
pick up the phone. So I was wiped off your list, replaced from your
promises. You held me in my driveway while I cried about my empty womb
and you promised that if I needed you, you were there. The last time I
talked to you on the phone before we really stopped talking you were
telling me how Emily came over and tried to get drunk with you, and I
was prying of course, asking questions, because I had become strangely
obessed with the fact that you had been unfaithful to me, I was trying
to figure out all the things that I had done wrong, yes, I wanted to
know what I did wrong to make you do that to me, I am sobbing on the
phone and you are frustrated. You went and your cruise and I stopped
speaking to you, I stopped speaking to you because I told myself I
didnt deserve that, And I went through some phases, but eventually I
got better.
I got better and I was sitting in Europe granting amnesty to the
world, to you, to myself. And I wanted to be your friend, I didn't
want to lose everything we had had. Anyone in the world could be your
friend it seemed, you were nice to everybody, everybody liked you. But
when you looked at me it was like you had never met me, like I had
just accidently tripped into your bed one day and made a real big
mess. You'd kind of look at me like, "How dare you?" And I sort of
would wonder what I was doing. But I don't think that I deserve that.
You're standing at a bar and youre talking to your friends, you're
chatting it up with Katie and your brother and you wont look back at
me, you wish I wasnt there, you wish I wasnt drunk, raining on your
parade, and I know that I should walk away, but I don't because I am
making myself realize that you can infact do this to me, all the
things I never thought you could do to me you can do them with ease
and I am just another e-mail sob story, just another girl who wont
leave you alone. When we were together I would ask you over and over
again things about Katie because I didnt understand how you could have
been so close with her and then just let her drop off of your radar,
and you would promise that you would never do that to me. You would
sit there and promise and I would believe you, and then when we broke
up, I understood. But I never really understood until last week and I
guess I needed that. I needed to see that I can cry infront of you in
public, or in your room and right now, and it doesnt matter. So I am
sorry that we ended this way, just like everybody else ends. I am
sorry that you cannot dignify me with answering your phone or
responding to my messages. I am sorry that it has gotten to the point
where I cry every night and just cannot figure it out but I will leave
you alone now. Good luck with your life and good luck with
everything, I will leave you be because this just isnt fair to me, I
am a whole human being, I am a whole person. So it's okay, you can be
free of me, you can be rid of me, I wont try and do this anymore. I
held your head in my lap while you cried in four different cities and
I stayed up to make sure you werent sad and I guess when it comes to
me, it doesnt matter, you feel like you've said it all before, but
really honey, it's 1986 all over again, except this time Ronald Reagan
decides to go out and golf.
I'm sure that I don't mean it. Talk soon--
Daniela