(no subject)
OK it has been forEVER yet again. I have been up to my eyeballs with work and everything else. I am now trying to get all my emails and everything else caught up!
What has been happening? I went home last weekend (the weekend of the 19th). Quick trip back to see my grandpa. Turns out that he is declining daily and i wanted to spend "easter" with him (it was a family reunion of sorts). That was so tough. I thought that i would be okay when i saw him, i didn't expect what i was about to see. I can't seem to hold myself together when i think about him. I feel so sad and so terrible about everything. about living so far away and not seeing the people i love so much and about not seeing grandpa when i visited the time before this. i am sad that i can't have a fricking baby and my friend just did yesterday. i feel like i might be trading a baby for my grandpa. and then i get upset because i just want him to know that i am pregnant (when it happens) and for him to be able to be around when i do have it. God i am so stupid. i am being such a wreck. And these damn hormones and medications that the doctor has me on are making me crazy. I want to be normal and i want this all to NOT be happening.
On top of that i swore that i was pregnant from last months treatments and then when i went home to WI. it was terrible and snowey and i fell flat on my stomach. since that point i had pains and cramps and then the doctor said that if i had concieved last month that it didn't stay put, coz i am not preggo at this time.
We have 2 more chances to get this done and after that i am out of insurance benefits and who knows what will happen.
enough of my sunshine. i am going to bed now.
What has been happening? I went home last weekend (the weekend of the 19th). Quick trip back to see my grandpa. Turns out that he is declining daily and i wanted to spend "easter" with him (it was a family reunion of sorts). That was so tough. I thought that i would be okay when i saw him, i didn't expect what i was about to see. I can't seem to hold myself together when i think about him. I feel so sad and so terrible about everything. about living so far away and not seeing the people i love so much and about not seeing grandpa when i visited the time before this. i am sad that i can't have a fricking baby and my friend just did yesterday. i feel like i might be trading a baby for my grandpa. and then i get upset because i just want him to know that i am pregnant (when it happens) and for him to be able to be around when i do have it. God i am so stupid. i am being such a wreck. And these damn hormones and medications that the doctor has me on are making me crazy. I want to be normal and i want this all to NOT be happening.
On top of that i swore that i was pregnant from last months treatments and then when i went home to WI. it was terrible and snowey and i fell flat on my stomach. since that point i had pains and cramps and then the doctor said that if i had concieved last month that it didn't stay put, coz i am not preggo at this time.
We have 2 more chances to get this done and after that i am out of insurance benefits and who knows what will happen.
enough of my sunshine. i am going to bed now.