ranting
i am at my internship, and i cannot concentrate at all. i am trying to
draft a section of my long term internship paper (which will also have
some use, i hope, here at the epa osrti office), and i can't write more
than half a sentence or think about it for more than two minutes
without
starting to bite or pick at my nails or looking up something online or
something. i just can't focus. in the first half of my day, i went to
a training workshop/planning session for a new approach in the
environmental remediation community known as triad. that went
relatively well, although i found myself drifting off into space, so to
speak, thinking about my dad and my grandfather and my stepmom and
everything else. i feel this huge pressure on me, and i don't know how
to handle it. i must, of course, do well through this internship: it
is
the capstone to my undergraduate experience. i spent the first two
fifths or so of the semester doing nothing/waiting for a placement, and
now in this short period (i'm here for six weeks and one day from
today)
i must make things fit together and keep myself in gear. this lack of
focus isn't doing it. i don't know what to do.
i should mention that my dad had surgery on monday. it went well. out
of the possible scenerios for the surgery, he ended up with the best
case. he's in relatively good health right now, and he is in good
spirits, so that is excellent. i'm worried about when he begins
radiation and chemotherapy though. it also worries me that not long
ago
my grandfather, romeo laframboise, was sent home from the hospital
after
going in for surgery (which he did not have as the cancer was too far
gone). only weeks later i recieved the phone call that he'd passed
away. it scares me that such a thing could happen. i must stay strong
though as others are going through this too and need my help. i worry
a
lot about my stepmother. she just lost her father and now her husband
is going through this. i hate that i'm the one who is having such a
hard time dealing with this (although i suspect others are as well);
i'm
young and healthy and should be in the prime of my life. i should be
strong.
i appreciate all those in my life that support me. i realize that
everyday can't be wonderful, and i realize that others have bad days
too. marissa and i have not gotten along well yesterday and today (so
far). it worries me and saddens me and enervates me, but i can't be
selfish. i think that i've had the attitude that "things suck for me,
everyone else should have an excellent time so that they can help me,"
but relationships are two-way paths. i'm here for those that are
hurting too. i think that i lost my point, so i'll move on.
my car is still not usable (unless there has been a change within the
last little while). my transmission blew a couple weeks ago, and i
eventually got the car to my brother to fix it. he couldn't fix it by
saturday, so i couldn't drive it home for my dad's surgery. he did,
however, get the new (well, used, but new to me) transmission in on
monday. much to our surprise and dismay, the transmission only goes in
reverse. no forward gears work. so, he took that out and ordered a
new
one, which arrived early yesterday afternoon. hopefully, it will be
fixed soon and i can go pick it up. the lack of a car meant that i was
able to spend nearly 12 wonderful hours yesterday in either trains or
trainstations. my major complaint about it has been the expense, and,
well, the lack of ability to intern yesterday. it is just frustrating.
i'm also frustrated at times (and at other times incredibly excited)
about grad school. i've received some acceptances (brown, su's
maxwell,
albany's rockefeller) and a decline (oxford). neither of the boston
schools (tufts, suffolk) have yet notified me of the decision (although
i should know for certain from tufts in the next two days). cornell
also falls in that currently undecided camp. i had kind of hoped that
i'd be able to spend the next couple of years near marissa, but that
seems quite unlikely now. also, with graduate school (unless i go to
su) will come the need to find a job. this stresses me out a lot, as i
seem either ill suited or ill prepared to almost everything. nearly
all
environmental jobs require either hard science or engineering
backgrounds, and my political science background lacks those
components.
i'll figure it out, but, again, i'm frustrated.
my final complaint is that my neck hurts whenever i move my neck to the left
more than 10 degrees or so. i thought about going for a massage after
work, but i can't justify that expense.
so i wrote all of that between 3 and 3:30. then, a firealarm went off at work, so we all had to leave. having only another half hour or so left in the day after being okayed to return to the building, i instead headed out from there. i got my hair cut and headed home. i talked to someone from the admissions office at albany and found out that, somehow, i answered two questions on the application with "yes" that should have been "no". i incorrectly told them that i was a felon and had been kicked out of school. haha, fortunately, they realized that those seemed to be errors, and called me about it. it is all straightened out now.
i'm going to shower in a bit, maybe get a bite to eat, and nap/read. i'm about to finish this book i started on amtrak yesterday, and i have some hemmingway and twain piled next to my bed to raad. hopefully, when i wake up, i'll be refreshed. tomorrow, with any luck, i'll be an ideal employee/intern.
draft a section of my long term internship paper (which will also have
some use, i hope, here at the epa osrti office), and i can't write more
than half a sentence or think about it for more than two minutes
without
starting to bite or pick at my nails or looking up something online or
something. i just can't focus. in the first half of my day, i went to
a training workshop/planning session for a new approach in the
environmental remediation community known as triad. that went
relatively well, although i found myself drifting off into space, so to
speak, thinking about my dad and my grandfather and my stepmom and
everything else. i feel this huge pressure on me, and i don't know how
to handle it. i must, of course, do well through this internship: it
is
the capstone to my undergraduate experience. i spent the first two
fifths or so of the semester doing nothing/waiting for a placement, and
now in this short period (i'm here for six weeks and one day from
today)
i must make things fit together and keep myself in gear. this lack of
focus isn't doing it. i don't know what to do.
i should mention that my dad had surgery on monday. it went well. out
of the possible scenerios for the surgery, he ended up with the best
case. he's in relatively good health right now, and he is in good
spirits, so that is excellent. i'm worried about when he begins
radiation and chemotherapy though. it also worries me that not long
ago
my grandfather, romeo laframboise, was sent home from the hospital
after
going in for surgery (which he did not have as the cancer was too far
gone). only weeks later i recieved the phone call that he'd passed
away. it scares me that such a thing could happen. i must stay strong
though as others are going through this too and need my help. i worry
a
lot about my stepmother. she just lost her father and now her husband
is going through this. i hate that i'm the one who is having such a
hard time dealing with this (although i suspect others are as well);
i'm
young and healthy and should be in the prime of my life. i should be
strong.
i appreciate all those in my life that support me. i realize that
everyday can't be wonderful, and i realize that others have bad days
too. marissa and i have not gotten along well yesterday and today (so
far). it worries me and saddens me and enervates me, but i can't be
selfish. i think that i've had the attitude that "things suck for me,
everyone else should have an excellent time so that they can help me,"
but relationships are two-way paths. i'm here for those that are
hurting too. i think that i lost my point, so i'll move on.
my car is still not usable (unless there has been a change within the
last little while). my transmission blew a couple weeks ago, and i
eventually got the car to my brother to fix it. he couldn't fix it by
saturday, so i couldn't drive it home for my dad's surgery. he did,
however, get the new (well, used, but new to me) transmission in on
monday. much to our surprise and dismay, the transmission only goes in
reverse. no forward gears work. so, he took that out and ordered a
new
one, which arrived early yesterday afternoon. hopefully, it will be
fixed soon and i can go pick it up. the lack of a car meant that i was
able to spend nearly 12 wonderful hours yesterday in either trains or
trainstations. my major complaint about it has been the expense, and,
well, the lack of ability to intern yesterday. it is just frustrating.
i'm also frustrated at times (and at other times incredibly excited)
about grad school. i've received some acceptances (brown, su's
maxwell,
albany's rockefeller) and a decline (oxford). neither of the boston
schools (tufts, suffolk) have yet notified me of the decision (although
i should know for certain from tufts in the next two days). cornell
also falls in that currently undecided camp. i had kind of hoped that
i'd be able to spend the next couple of years near marissa, but that
seems quite unlikely now. also, with graduate school (unless i go to
su) will come the need to find a job. this stresses me out a lot, as i
seem either ill suited or ill prepared to almost everything. nearly
all
environmental jobs require either hard science or engineering
backgrounds, and my political science background lacks those
components.
i'll figure it out, but, again, i'm frustrated.
my final complaint is that my neck hurts whenever i move my neck to the left
more than 10 degrees or so. i thought about going for a massage after
work, but i can't justify that expense.
so i wrote all of that between 3 and 3:30. then, a firealarm went off at work, so we all had to leave. having only another half hour or so left in the day after being okayed to return to the building, i instead headed out from there. i got my hair cut and headed home. i talked to someone from the admissions office at albany and found out that, somehow, i answered two questions on the application with "yes" that should have been "no". i incorrectly told them that i was a felon and had been kicked out of school. haha, fortunately, they realized that those seemed to be errors, and called me about it. it is all straightened out now.
i'm going to shower in a bit, maybe get a bite to eat, and nap/read. i'm about to finish this book i started on amtrak yesterday, and i have some hemmingway and twain piled next to my bed to raad. hopefully, when i wake up, i'll be refreshed. tomorrow, with any luck, i'll be an ideal employee/intern.