Random inventions and re-imaginings; resignation, not retreat.
+Semantics.
"Today, I quit my first job."
I've been trying my hardest but I couldn't find more concise phrasing than this - that I quit my first job. My main problem with it, I suppose, lies not in the factual component of the sentence, but with the connotation of the word "job". Too run-of-the-mill. Too impersonal. Too... sterile. Because while I couldn't articulate what my now-former "job" was for me, I am certain that it wasn't all these things.
+The Long of it.
For a year and two months, I've constantly ventured into the unknown - surprise workloads, daunting meetings with people who made me feel small (both in good and not-so-good ways), unexpected turns in my everyday life's - and the show's - story. Point: Regular, it wasn't.
For two seasons and four episodes, I've gone on to make friends with a roster of people who can easily be the nicest - or the only genuinely nice ones - in the TV industry. Here are my favorites, and your favorites too, if not for the fact that you don't know them because you were never in my shoes:
- Witty, amicable, glorious Angel
- Professional, intelligent Gabe
- Fun-loving, outspoken Mitch aka PCD
- Uncompromising, OC John
- The Best DOP Award goes to Mccoy, Mr. More Shadow, More Drama
- Kuya Manny, na "tao lang"
- My editor of choice & movie buddy, Herbs
- My work BFF, Ate Rita
- My partner, in crime and in grime, MC.
Point: Impersonal, it wasn't.
I don't love the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next. Truth be told, I'm a bit of a control freak; in fact my friend Edzon advises me against furthering my prod career. I like being on top of things, especially things that are assigned to me (no matter how indirectly). I like working at my own pace, in my own time. I don't like disappointments that I haven't prepared for, palpaks that could have been avoided. Suffice it to say, I am not the best team player there is. In retrospect thought, I could have done worse. At least, I hope. (Right, guys?)
At times, I was too hard on myself, and consequently, on everyone else. MC on this: Tin, iba-iba ang mga tao. Hindi lahat pare-parehas ang response sa mga bagay-bagay. Somehow, I learned to adjust. But I digress; let me stop before this turns into a coming-of-age aka pseudo-success story.
I only ever had a full-on argument with one person, but that doesn't mean it was smooth-sailing with everyone else. As with any job that remotely involves creativity and the cooperation of more than one person, there were petty misunderstandings, one too many annoyed looks thrown at each other's direction, and other less-than-pretty inevitables which made staying nice difficult. Oh, things got ugly. At least from where I was standing/sitting/writing (hehe), they did. I myself got ticked off by this-or-that-or-perhaps-you at an almost-daily basis. But still, while others figured too much in my regular drivels, it was never enough to foster complete disrespect. Point: sterile, it wasn't.
Point I shouldn't have to make: Almost everyone asked - or already knew - why I quit, but no one ever asked me how I felt about it. Not even after adopting the I'm-going-to-miss-you stance. If anyone dared ask me if I was going to miss them, this that, I would have volunteered more information than required. Alam mo naman ako, feeling overachiever minsan. ;)
+Anti-Reckoning.
The details of why I quit are too convoluted to try to lay down here. Or perhaps they're too simple, but also too personal. Either way, the things that I've had to set aside when I put my work-blinders on, I'm getting back. Granted, as with any instance of leaving, I will miss a lot of things, but there are also things that I've missed so much, too much that I can't go on ignoring them any longer.
I miss self-assigning readings on a weekly basis. I miss being able to plan my week. I miss knowing what roughly what time I'll be home. I miss YOU, friend who cares enough about me to still be reading this. I miss not feeling guilty about sleeping. I miss being the Tin who sometimes comes to you with a devil-may-care attitude. I miss seemingly-endless walks wherein I walk for the sake of walking. I miss chatting with people. I miss being among the first few to hear about and try out the recent new media trends. I miss blogging (almost-solved, as of press time). I miss reading. I miss lazy weekends. I could go on and on and on and on, but you get the picture.
So, please, help me recover the lifegems I cast aside.
+Plans.
So what's the plan? Right about now, I should be getting back to organizing my freshly-washed clothes in neat piles. You'll all be hearing from me SOON. I just have to remember that in my life, there are no bye-forevers; just see-you-laters.