(no subject)
I am just fucking pissed off. Be prepared for a fucking rant.
So as most of you know, I have this dumbass course this whole fucking weekend in order to become a full-fledged lifeguard. I thought that compared to the last course I took, it would be ten times better and so much fun. But boy was I wrong. I've had more homework in the past week than I have all school year, and it's all this course work. That's not even the worst of it. That stuff I can handle, I can get it done, I got it done and I'm proud of it. But you know how last week I had that breakdown? Well the course triggered all those down feelings, those feelings of lack of confidence and of me just sucking at everything in general. We have a 40 year old instructor who I know doesn't like me. She doesn't even have to say it for me to know, I just know. Last Sunday, she gave us back our evaluations and I got a 5 out of 10 from her, when I thought that my activity had been pretty good. And of course, right after my activity she has to make a "general" statement that the first 3 presentations she saw were "boring" and pretty much she meant they sucked and that she was bored. So.. yah thanks you fucking bitch. You could wait until the end to do that, and to say how you feel about them. So, being me, I just get overly upset about not excelling and doing good, because I am good, I won't deny it, I am good at almost anything I do if I have my heart set on it. But things like this, just totally throw me off and it actually hurts. I don't know.. I think I'm a weak person when it comes to getting bad feedback and when I disappoint people. I'm a weak person.. I admit it.. I'm weak.
So yesterday and today, I was attentive, and I paticipated in discussions and asked questions, and she seemed satisfied, so I was satisfied. She even smiled and nodded when I said things. Apparently that's not the case. Tonight when we were in the pool, Jessica and I were swimming back to the side to hear the evaluation of Carly and Jessica kicked herself and said "jesus christ" out loud. And of course the dumbass instructor hears her and looks at me and goes "What'd I hear?" and I was like.. what do you mean. And she said someone said the.. and I quote "someone said the JC word" and I just looked at her because I had no idea what she was talking about because I didn't hear what jessica said. So then the instructor kept doing the evaluation and I asked Jessica what "JC" meant and she told me, but the instructor just started to stare at me as if I had done something wrong, and I just wanted to be like.. what are you looking at me for.. but no, I have to be born passive.
Later on, after everyone is done their teaches, she sits us down for a group discussion, which really means her telling us that we suck and that we don't have "professional behaviour" and she tries to word it so that she sounds nice and concerned but she just ends up looking right at me and Jess the whole time she talks. I don't get her.. she says that she wont point anyone out, yet she goes and stares at me, and then when she finishes talking she goes "Jessica and Lauren I need you two to stay back to talk to me" and omg right there I wanted to rip her throat out and throw it in the pool and then scream as loud as I could and go get hit by a car. I'm so fucking mad. Alright, so I bet you're wetting yourself thinking about what she had to say to me right? Yah thought so. It really wasn't exciting. She said something to the effect of "you two have great potential but I'm not seeing it. If I were to pass you, with this behaviour, I wouldnt be recommending you to the city. This is not something an employer would want to see" and I was like, but I didn't say anything. And when I was talking, I asked Jessica what JC meant, because I didn't know. And she just gave me a fucking smart ass look and I wanted to slap her so hard. So she kept talking and I bit my tongue because I really want to pass this course. I don't think anything she said was fair, and she came to conclusions and even if she says that we can go to her after the lesson and talk to her about what we don't think is fair, I know that she would be a bitch about it and say that I'm giving her attitude and then use it against me. I hate people like that. She said something today about people feeling that they have power over others and that we don't want to be that kind of instructor and then tonight.. I was like.. wow.. what a fucking great example we have. Honestly, shes a bad instructor and I may just have to file a complaint. I just hope we get to do teacher evaluations so that I can justify this whole thing. And maybe tomorrow I will go and talk to her during lunch. I think I might.
I told my mom and my aunt and my dad and they are pissed off because they've all been in that situation. And they know that with people with authority like that, that litterally hold your job in their hands, you can't backtalk, or bitch or give attitude because they have control. I really have no idea what to do because she IS the type of person to purposely take things the wrong way and then use it against you. It's unfair and just stupid. I could just go on and on and on, but it really wouldn't solve anything. I will not suck up because I have 1 day left, and it wouldnt be worth it. I know I can pass, and if I don't I will most definitely complain to the red cross/lifesaving society or write a letter or something because that would be completely unfair. I am capeable, I participate, I am good with kids, I can teach, control and manage a class, I can organize, prepare and create games and activities and get things done. That's what they want and need, and I can do that. She just has never given me the time of day.
I say... I hope I never see her again after this.
Who wants to go see BNO in Toronto on Friday next week?
Or.. if no one wants to go to T.O.. the show at the music center.. Turn It Ups, Spitalfield, etc..