sunken ships
so i'm back from cupertino, i got back saturday morning around 10. sarah met me at LGA and we took a cab home. we broke up for good a couple hours later. it's been so off and on for a while now, but it's all lost now. i'm looking for a new apartment to move into asap. sarah is staying with a friend, and i feel bad that she's not able to stay here cos my stuff is here. she wants to remain my friend (i know it sounds cliche) but the reason is that i've got to go to therapy. i've got anger issues and i yell. my dad had the same problems only much worse and had much less control of it. i don't want to ever turn into him and i want to not let my emotions take over and vocally explode. she said she'dbe there for me , but only as my friend. she's been my best friend for this last year, and i kind of need her there. this sucks a lot and i'm not happy about it. i get told that this is good and i can now focus on me and not have any relationship nonsense to worry about, but i don't see it that way. the things i need to do for myself i've wanted to do for myself for a while, but this new job gives me insurance and better pay to afford them. so i can fix myself. it just sucks that it's too late for sarah to be with me while i get better and when i am better.
i loved her more than anyone or anything for this last year. i know, you're thinking 'a year dood, sack up'. maybe i should, but we lived together for most of it. almost all of it. maybe it was stupid to move in together so soon but it was worth all the amazing moments. those small candid moments you have when you live with someone. i'll never forget them. they were just simple everyday things -- and they were some of the best parts of my life. this last year has definitely been the best year of my life, and sarah was an absolute goddess. there were some bad times over the year and all of them finally weighed enough to break us. i guess i was hoping i could bail the water faster than we took it on, but i was busy with one hand trying to row and the other trying to bail the water.
i use boat metaphors a lot, but they seem to work out. like how lately i've felt like a ship stranded in the middle of the atlantic with no wind to move me. my rudder is fine, i can steer myself where i need to get but without wind i just sit there afloat. the new job is the gust i've been waiting for, and i haven't got anything else to look forward to with the exception of playing with the band, and of course getting my shit together internally.
writing used to be cathartic for me, but it hasn't been for a long time. maybe it will be now that i have some really really awful feelings to write about. but then i think who would want to read it? i'm sick of relationship songs, but that's all i got right now.
i'll pretend this is a song and know that you're sick of listening to it.
i loved her more than anyone or anything for this last year. i know, you're thinking 'a year dood, sack up'. maybe i should, but we lived together for most of it. almost all of it. maybe it was stupid to move in together so soon but it was worth all the amazing moments. those small candid moments you have when you live with someone. i'll never forget them. they were just simple everyday things -- and they were some of the best parts of my life. this last year has definitely been the best year of my life, and sarah was an absolute goddess. there were some bad times over the year and all of them finally weighed enough to break us. i guess i was hoping i could bail the water faster than we took it on, but i was busy with one hand trying to row and the other trying to bail the water.
i use boat metaphors a lot, but they seem to work out. like how lately i've felt like a ship stranded in the middle of the atlantic with no wind to move me. my rudder is fine, i can steer myself where i need to get but without wind i just sit there afloat. the new job is the gust i've been waiting for, and i haven't got anything else to look forward to with the exception of playing with the band, and of course getting my shit together internally.
writing used to be cathartic for me, but it hasn't been for a long time. maybe it will be now that i have some really really awful feelings to write about. but then i think who would want to read it? i'm sick of relationship songs, but that's all i got right now.
i'll pretend this is a song and know that you're sick of listening to it.