Black and White
I feel utterly confused. Everyone's running around with hearts in their eyes and flowers in their hands and I'm the kid in the corner watching it happen. It's not like I haven't been offered to be someone's Valentine but I know if I accept one then others would be hurt. Ever since 5-6th grade people told me I was flirtatious. I was naive. I didn't know what "flirting" was or that I was constantly doing it. It was part of who I was. I was and still am a touchy-feeling kind of person. I hit on girls and guys. But because I do that, I suppose I lead a lot of guys on.
I stare at myself in the mirror and scrutinize myself. Sometimes I think I'm vain and think that I'm desirable but most of the times I look at the imperfections that stare right back at me, taunting me saying that I could never be perfect. I could never have long straight hair, or a perfect body, or be anywhere as nice or smart as some girls. I could never have perfect smooth skin or beautiful slanty no folded eyes. I am not normal, I suppose. I was never super good, super smart, or super cool but it wasn't like I was super bad. I was neither this nor that. I was neither black nor white. I'm the gray area.
I have to say that recently I'm glad that I have met my current friends at the time I did. I feel so...lucky/blessed that I've met friends that won't do bad things to me intentionally. And that they care for me and they love me for who I am. For the first time since 5th grade I feel safe. I think I just realized that today after school when I hung out with Jon, Justine, Andy2, Monica, Alex, Silky, and David. Jon was drawing a "tree with rocks and grass" when I told him to draw me. It was cute. Me, my happy eyes, and my smile (cause I always smile) and the famous "pauline hat". I'm so blessed. I appreciate that jon and everyone loves me for who I am. We laugh, we play, we be ourselves and I think that what I have now is utopia. Utopia isn't perfection; utopia is having the bad things too but knowing that the good things overcome the bad. And as long as you have friends like mine, who really cares for the bad stuff that happens? I know it sounds naive but that's how I feel.
Andy2 wanted me to ask him to the Sadie’s. Being the fact I knew that piece of information I really didn't want to go to Sadie’s. It wasn't that I don't like him or anything It's just I wanted to not go just to spite him. And also, it's a waste of $28. I don't have the money or the time. He asked me to the Junior Prom and I was reluctant. I don't really want to go. I don't have that much of an affection to Juniors and plus I don’t know a lot of Juniors. I hang out with Seniors. I’m going to be so fucked up next year. I think Andy2 is getting attached to me. In a way, when I'm with him I feel so free. No inhibitions and I can just be myself. He's so weird I think it compliments part of who I am. He likes Weird Al and I ding on him about that but he makes fun of me and cosplaying. I don't see him complaining when I wear the schoolgirl outfit.
Senior Ball. I want to go so badly. Double D (David Dinh) was supposed to take me but we all have money issues so I might not go with him. I really want to go though. Hopefully another guy would ask me. I have the perfect dress. (I probably won't be able to wear it because it's not floor length)
I might start hanging out with the stage people next school year. Shauna, Chris, Edgar, and all the other bad boys/girls. They're hot. I wish I was part of the senior class but oh wells.
Our clique has a new name. The Otakus. Jon came up with the name. Haha. Represent guys.
Who's in:
Jon
Pauline
David Kilgore
David Dinh
Ben
Silky
Frances
Martin
Krystal
I think that's all. I might've missed some people. If I have tell me so I can put it in.
I stare at myself in the mirror and scrutinize myself. Sometimes I think I'm vain and think that I'm desirable but most of the times I look at the imperfections that stare right back at me, taunting me saying that I could never be perfect. I could never have long straight hair, or a perfect body, or be anywhere as nice or smart as some girls. I could never have perfect smooth skin or beautiful slanty no folded eyes. I am not normal, I suppose. I was never super good, super smart, or super cool but it wasn't like I was super bad. I was neither this nor that. I was neither black nor white. I'm the gray area.
I have to say that recently I'm glad that I have met my current friends at the time I did. I feel so...lucky/blessed that I've met friends that won't do bad things to me intentionally. And that they care for me and they love me for who I am. For the first time since 5th grade I feel safe. I think I just realized that today after school when I hung out with Jon, Justine, Andy2, Monica, Alex, Silky, and David. Jon was drawing a "tree with rocks and grass" when I told him to draw me. It was cute. Me, my happy eyes, and my smile (cause I always smile) and the famous "pauline hat". I'm so blessed. I appreciate that jon and everyone loves me for who I am. We laugh, we play, we be ourselves and I think that what I have now is utopia. Utopia isn't perfection; utopia is having the bad things too but knowing that the good things overcome the bad. And as long as you have friends like mine, who really cares for the bad stuff that happens? I know it sounds naive but that's how I feel.
Andy2 wanted me to ask him to the Sadie’s. Being the fact I knew that piece of information I really didn't want to go to Sadie’s. It wasn't that I don't like him or anything It's just I wanted to not go just to spite him. And also, it's a waste of $28. I don't have the money or the time. He asked me to the Junior Prom and I was reluctant. I don't really want to go. I don't have that much of an affection to Juniors and plus I don’t know a lot of Juniors. I hang out with Seniors. I’m going to be so fucked up next year. I think Andy2 is getting attached to me. In a way, when I'm with him I feel so free. No inhibitions and I can just be myself. He's so weird I think it compliments part of who I am. He likes Weird Al and I ding on him about that but he makes fun of me and cosplaying. I don't see him complaining when I wear the schoolgirl outfit.
Senior Ball. I want to go so badly. Double D (David Dinh) was supposed to take me but we all have money issues so I might not go with him. I really want to go though. Hopefully another guy would ask me. I have the perfect dress. (I probably won't be able to wear it because it's not floor length)
I might start hanging out with the stage people next school year. Shauna, Chris, Edgar, and all the other bad boys/girls. They're hot. I wish I was part of the senior class but oh wells.
Our clique has a new name. The Otakus. Jon came up with the name. Haha. Represent guys.
Who's in:
Jon
Pauline
David Kilgore
David Dinh
Ben
Silky
Frances
Martin
Krystal
I think that's all. I might've missed some people. If I have tell me so I can put it in.