(no subject)
this week has been so eye-opening.
it's really difficult when friendships are tested- and they fail. but i'll be so much happier once i don't have to lie anymore. i've always been just a bit passive, i've always tried to avoid conflict by just giving in... but i'm sick of it now. when i give and my friends don't give back, it's just nothing.
i'm letting go of my best friend of three years. it wasn't worth it anymore. you can't believe rumours even after i say they're lies, fearlessly lecture me about how you hate the people i love, then henna your hair at my house and laugh and bond the next day. i've given her a thousand chances to make things right. she does. then a week later we aren't talking again. that's not what i want.
there was a time when we thought we'd be together forever. a few summer nights when we didn't need words. countless times when we could just share our raw emotions and vent and cry and sob and scream laugh our asses off and make it better.
...but something ended... i used to feel terrified without her. now i'm sad and just a little lonely, but most of all relieved.
maybe i'm just being melodramatic here.
yesterday was beautiful. i love warm weather. and burritos with abby. real conversation for the first time in ages.
i love teddy's dad's music. he was driving us somewhere (hehe, i'm so young) and the light was all golden and the music was turned up really high... that was peaceful. for the first time all week i'm with someone who doesn't routinely make me miserable. actually, he's really the one who can patch it all up.
i carve cork and linoleum blocks. i've always got cuts on my hands, and it seems that whenever one heals i make another. sometimes the blocks actually have blood on them from little scrapes i haven't noticed. but when i finish the shirt or the print i'm making, you can't tell any of that.
basically what i'm saying is, i could avoid having to bleed all over the keyboard. but without it i wouldn't have anything to show for my struggle.
it's really difficult when friendships are tested- and they fail. but i'll be so much happier once i don't have to lie anymore. i've always been just a bit passive, i've always tried to avoid conflict by just giving in... but i'm sick of it now. when i give and my friends don't give back, it's just nothing.
i'm letting go of my best friend of three years. it wasn't worth it anymore. you can't believe rumours even after i say they're lies, fearlessly lecture me about how you hate the people i love, then henna your hair at my house and laugh and bond the next day. i've given her a thousand chances to make things right. she does. then a week later we aren't talking again. that's not what i want.
there was a time when we thought we'd be together forever. a few summer nights when we didn't need words. countless times when we could just share our raw emotions and vent and cry and sob and scream laugh our asses off and make it better.
...but something ended... i used to feel terrified without her. now i'm sad and just a little lonely, but most of all relieved.
maybe i'm just being melodramatic here.
yesterday was beautiful. i love warm weather. and burritos with abby. real conversation for the first time in ages.
i love teddy's dad's music. he was driving us somewhere (hehe, i'm so young) and the light was all golden and the music was turned up really high... that was peaceful. for the first time all week i'm with someone who doesn't routinely make me miserable. actually, he's really the one who can patch it all up.
i carve cork and linoleum blocks. i've always got cuts on my hands, and it seems that whenever one heals i make another. sometimes the blocks actually have blood on them from little scrapes i haven't noticed. but when i finish the shirt or the print i'm making, you can't tell any of that.
basically what i'm saying is, i could avoid having to bleed all over the keyboard. but without it i wouldn't have anything to show for my struggle.