Finally: it's over.
So, the story is coming to an end. My story, to be precise. It has been decided what I'm going to do, and when I say it has been decided, I really mean it. It wasn't me the one who gave the final word, but I think that's how it had to be otherwise I'd never make the decision myself.
I'm leaving. I'm coming back to my mom's by the beginning of July.
It's still hard to believe it, though. How everything have happened, how everything was supposed to happen, how fast and how slow it all was, at the same time. The hope and the delusion that came shortly after. I'm trying to keep in mind that I've done all that I could, I've waited the more I could. It just wouldn't work out anymore, that's it, and I have to accept it. I won't get too much into the details of how the decision was finally made, but one thing I'm sure is that I let fate in charge of whatever should be done of my life. And so there was.
But it's still very hard to believe. I'm acting like nothing had or will ever change. But it's quite impossible to avoid the subject when people come asking me if I'm really going away. I can barely answer, 'cause it hurts so much, the realization. It's not like I'm not yearning for a couple of months of vacation, but I wish... I don't know, I'd give this up in exchange of being able to stay and attend to university. That's the worst part, btw.
I've cried a lot up to now, but I'm trying not to anymore. Like I said, I'm trying to remain unfazed, but depression is not that far away from me either. And I'm trying to keep thinking positive but... I don't want to think, at all. Neither positive nor negative, I just wanna pretend it's everything as normal as it could be. I don't know how it'll be when they hire the person who will replace me, and I'm supposed to teach her my work. I'll have to be strong.... and I already am putting all my efforts into being strong.
When the last day comes, I might break down though. When I see my friends for the last time in what can be months... who knows how many months until I meet them again... oh Lord, it'll be so hard. So hard.
On the other side of the story, my mom's happy. And I'm happy for her being happy. I know how much she wanted me to do this, to come back, and I'll try to make her not regret wanting me back to live with her. I'll try to please her as much as I can. I think it won't be that hard, since I've grown up mentally compared to how I was back when I lived with her, more than 3 years ago. I'm concentrating into the good things of living there again. Eating good food, having someone to take care of me when I fall sick, what usually doesn't happen but who knows the future, someone to help me with my decisions... well, who doesn't want to be with their mother? I've always wanted, of course, but my life took a different way that led me away from her... and I've been so accustomed to this life... but, okay, I'm sure it'll be good for both of us ^^ Well, hopefully, as long as I don't ruin our relationship -___-
Oh, I'm sorry for not updating all this time. I just thought it'd be better if I had something.. well, for real, to say. Besides all this, I have now a paid LJ account, with 100 extra userpic slots!!! YAY I can't wait to fill all of them!! ^_____^
Now, I'm going back to work. While I still have it. *sighs*