Something I wouldn't write if not for...
Title: Or not
Author: Yessenhart
Words: 1.395
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, but it gets better. That's the purpose, first of all.
Pairings: SiHan; broken!HanChul and ongoing!ShinChul
Disclaimer: I do not own any of them, but they sure own me.
A/N: The idea, or better saying, the need to write this came after I read
stevenghost 's fic " I Made My Excuses and Left". It pained me so bad, because Hankyung's POV shows it so clearly how much he's suffering, and it's so deep and intense that I can't let it end like that. HanChul is my OTP of all times, but since it was broken.... I will just help ruining it for once. And for now, only.
Summary:
--
I have looked back on everything I did, and realized I've done all that I could. I've done everything, since confessing until letting him go. I did everything. And realizing it made it possible for the time to make its ways into healing my wounds, and now, loving him or not anymore, fact is I can bear it. I can live, I can breathe, and it doesn't take me all my efforts to not cry upon seeing them together. Upon seeing him as in a deja vu, doing with another what he used to do with me. It no longer stabs my heart everytime I see his smile flashing towards another. I can live.
However, it doesn't mean my life has a meaning anymore. Now it's all about passing by. Just passing by; empty heart, empty soul. Emotionless. Living my life lifeless. It doesn't matter if he was the love of my life. It doesn't matter if he's still the love of my life. It doesn't matter whether I love him or not.
I don't have his love and I don't have a life, therefore.
--
An entire month of spending nights in blank, hearing things you'd give your life not to have to, seeing things that make you wish you were blind instead, all this can make you change, deep and notorious changes that everyone can easily tell by simply looking at you. I guess I became colder, not that I used to be cold. I guess I don't smile that often now, and I was never a talkative one but now it's even worse, I suppose. The boys can't have enough of staring vaguely at me, in wonder of what's going on inside my being. Leeteuk tried to approach; well, he did approach, hesitangly and affraid of being spurned. Not that the idea have ever crossed my mind.
"You're not the same anymore, Hannie ah," he said to me once when I was cooking beijing fired rice, for myself. I didn't look at him. I didn't give him a response. The beijing fried rice became blurred in my vision, but that was all.
Kangin appa, also one of my dongsaengs, seemed concerned too. He never brought himself to talk to me, though, but in his case, I think it's because he doesn't really know how to comfort me with words, or even how to bring such a subject into surface. One day, when I caught him looking at me with worried eyes, I gave him a very warm-hearted smile. He looked away, blushing ever so slightly. After that, his frown disappeared and he returned the warmth by treating me normally, like he always did.
The youngest ones didn't mention anything, by either shyness or moderation. In any case I was thankful. I wouldn't like having to summon all the self-control I could possibly have inside in order to talk about what happened. The wound is better off resting, asleep as it is.
Lastly, the newest Super Junior couple, all giggles and smiles and all that jazz. They don't talk to me, they don't refer to me, they don't look at me. I don't know whose fault this is, but it seems like something just bound to happen after what the three of us have gone through. Mainly Heechul and I, there could be no friendship left between us. If anything, there's mutual respect. And mutual hurt kept inside. The difference is, there's someone helping him get over me. And I have to move on myself. Right now, it doesn't matter if I'll manage out of this. I don't care what is there to come from now on. I'm oblivious; I closed my eyes. I'm only seeing inside of me, watching for my heart to be mended with the time. I have closed my eyes at anything that can represent potential hurt. Or potential help.
Said help came, one day, and I didn't expect for it at all.
--
When the doorbell rang, I prayed silently that it wasn't Heechul outside. One month and a half had passed by since he moved out for good. I've been living alone since then, and that's just how I wanted it to be. I answered the door and was greeted by a very expressive figure standing there, a rather serious face that didn't make it any less good looking.
"Hey," Siwon said, and for some reason it sounded so unlike him. Maybe because there was apprehension etched all over his tone of voice. I couldn't help the question mark that took over my traits. "May I come in?"
"Of course," I backed off and opened the door enough for him to walk in the room. One could easily tell he was not entirely comfortable, his hands stuck on his pockets, his shoulders stiff, his frown which resembled Kangin's. It intrigued me. Maybe he had come to say something important, and I don't know why I felt like not having seen him for ages, which only made it to increase the awkwardness of the situation. It shouldn't feel this way, though. We have always been close friends, until... until Heechul stepped in my heart.
I walked to him and pointed the sofa. Much to my surprise, he didn't budge, and I raised an eyebrow.
"Wanna have a seat?" I asked out of confusion, not really knowing how to act before his somewhat incisive look, fierce even.
"No, thanks. I'm here to see how you're doing."
"I'm okay."
"Why don't I believe it?"
My other eyebrow joined the first one already lifted.
"It's true, I am fine. I'm just--"
"Suffering. A lot. And alone," he cut me in, and it seemed pointless for me to argue. I just kept staring at him and knowing he hadn't talk everything he wanted yet. "You could have looked for me, you could have talked to me. I care for you, Hankyung."
Because he's one of my best friends. It's perfectly normal, he cares for me as much as all the others do, except for Heechul and Shindong now, I guess. But there was something unspoken, there was something hidden. There was something that I was unsure about wanting to know what it is.
"Thanks Siwon ah... I really appreciate that you care for me an--" and then he stepped forward, nearing me in a manner that I would call vulture-like. And it made me recoil like a little vulnerable rabbit.
"I want to comfort you. Please let me..." his face was so close, so close, and I panicked, splayed my palms on his chest and pulled back, trembling, completely taken by assault. I can't understand what he's doing, I don't know, I sense something not right, not in place...
"Wait... wait a minute, what are you doing? Why are you trying to... to.." I didn't finish but it wasn't needed anyways.
"You're important to me," and this statement sounds so true that it could pass as a confession. My heart feels like ripping apart, and still, I don't know what I'm feeling. I never knew... "It hurts me so much that you seclude yourself because of him, you don't deserve it."
I only noticed my hands still on his chest when he placed his above them and held them tightly. I felt I could faint at any minute, and if I didn't argue back that was simply because the words had all vanished from my mind. My reasoning was gone as well. I was paralized, but not only by fear and stun.
It felt good. It felt like hope.
"Siwon ah... why? Why..."
His breath touched the skin of my face so gently, so warm, so alluring and inviting, but he never told me why before he kissed me. All the answers I needed were encrusted in his tongue, in his lips, and I found out I was the answer, just like Heechul was my answer, just like Shindong is Heechul's answer now.
And in the back of my mind I still remember Heechul's kisses, I still remember his smiles and his touch. It still feels like I will never get through us, I'll never stop loving him.
Or not, I consider, when Siwon leads me to the couch and lays me down, soon pressing his body on top of mine.
Or not, I decide, when I surrender to him.