(no subject)
it's times like these, at this time of day, when i start thinking about absolutely everything that's been going on with me. when i haven't seen my best friend for 3 days. when i have nothing to distract me. when i am worrying about classes and work. if i were about 2 or 3 years younger, i could whine and say,"im too young to have to worry about this kind of stuff!", but, unfortunately, i cant. because the truth is im too old and i need to be taking responsibility for my life and all the good and bad that might come along with it.
the truth is that, as absurd as it sounds, i miss my best friend. i talk to him everyday (with a few exceptions here and there), but it's not like in austin when i get to wake up and see him everyday. it's definitely different. the circumstances are different. but it's mostly the fact that i need company, especially HIS company because he is one of the few people that just get me. except my mother. she has this freakish ability of knowing what i am up to at any given moment. the point is, there are very few people that know me and i am missing one of them very much right now.
this holiday vacation seems absurdly long. im not used to being back home anymore. i dont hate it, i just feel like i dont belong anymore. i feel as if im just a watcher instead of a participator. it's a different sort of life. i end up just comparing everything i see here to what it would be like back in atx. im at the point where i cant decide where i like it better. i dont even know if i really have to decide, but i feel as if i do. i guess, at this point, neither wins.
so now im sitting here, eating chocolate and watching project runway, making it work.
today, two people asked me how i was doing and, strangely (i say strangely because it doesnt come up very often that people ask this question unless there is some underlying motive), they both asked me if i was happy. i hate that question. how am i supposed to respond to something like that? i guess the answer depends on the person asking. do i really want them to know if im upset about certain things in my life? is it really any of their business to know my state of well-being? im alright. that's always the answer. im not perfect. life could be better. i could change a few things. i could use more money. i could be a little smarter about my decisions. but, in the end, im not dying of some incurable disease and there are still people on this earth who love me (i think) and appreciate me. so im alright.
im feeling a little out of touch. but after months of living one way and being thrown into a different situation, who wouldnt feel this way? there's more to life than thinking about how we're feeling all the time.
by the way, new years resolutions, anyone? who makes them anymore? I DO!
1. remain (mostly) positive
2. accept responsibility for my own life and decisions
3. visit the gym more often (obligatory resolution)
4. eat healthy (again, obligatory)
time to finish up project runway.