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For a long time I've been quiet. Content to let my thoughts sit in my mind and fester until they eventually lead to something more, or simply get lost in the mix of things in my mind. I dream but I forget, and aspire but eventually consent to the ebb and flow of life that ultimately sets me adrift, going with the motion of events that the world sets before me.
This weekend I took some time away from my apartment and Seattle to simply meander along wherever my heart saw fit. It was so relaxing and nostalgic to something I frequently do while at home to satisfy my soul's thirst for adventure. I wandered along trails of restored country land in Skagit county and watched friends fish while their dogs wandered in curiosity of the peaceful surroundings. I spent some time with god listening to podcasts and music that inspired my thoughts. And I simply relaxed without heed to time constraints, plans or assignments. I even found a random food truck that made a pretty awesome burrito.
Today's wandering led me through the forest covered Snoqualmie. I drove around listening to Paradise Valley and looking at the leaves falling from trees changing color in the fashion of the season. After returning the car I listened to two episodes of a podcast from a church in Simi Valley that I love for its strong message and passionate delivery. The topics were on living love, and how we should show the love that God has for us with everyone we meet. Not just with friends and family or keeping it hidden within ourselves instead of spreading it with community. I realized that in recent months I have slowly become more recluse here in Seattle, spending less time with the friends I've made and more time on my own, and missing my friends at home. I've always enjoyed having time to myself, not having to worry about rushing one place or another or coordinating schedules for a brief meet up. But I realize that the more time I spend on my own, only in short conversations with people in the office, mostly work related, the less I thrive off of actual personal interaction, something I feed off of and have constant access to in Ontario or LA. Rather than putting in the time and effort to do the same out here, I stay home giving in to exhaustion and using writing my thesis as an excuse although the progress from that is relatively non-reflective. But how can one build or sustain friendships and community without actual interaction? How can I spread that love of God if the most meaningful interaction of the day takes place within the confines of my mind through hours lost in thought or watching one show or another. Definitely something I need to work on...
The second episode was about how powerful the state of discouragement can become if allowed to persist. The way ones drive for ambition can diminish without having hope, plans, and goals. So many thoughts, goals and realizations have come to nothing because I simply let them linger and eventually forget. I rarely take the time to actually write things down or voice my ambitions so that at least someone can hold me accountable and encourage me to make progress on the things I hope to do. And the inspiration that God fills me with becomes a whimsical dream that fades as soon as I wake from my thoughtful wanderings. Despite the fact that so much of. My life passes with only passive influence on my part, I've been blessed with so much. I can only imagine how my life would change if I spent more time in action rather than thought, endeavoring make my dreams reality and actually live my life in a way that pleases God.
Maybe for once in my life my thoughts on what is to come would end not simply content that only God knows what the future brings, but rather working with God to see my dreams come true.
Gotta go fester on this for a while...