FANFICTION IS EVIL
Fanfiction
mblaq, gen humour, PG13: swearing, 1750 words
in which fanfiction makes their dorm life much harder.
Mir roars with laughter as he stares and points at Seungho’s iPad screen. He had recently discovered the wonderful world of fanfiction and had just recited a short drabble about a pregnant G.O to the other members.
G.O just shoots him a dirty glare and resumes watching Star King on television.
There’s silence for a while until the maknae lets out a wolf whistle. “Wah, Seungho hyung, you’re in trouble now. Even the fans pair you up with Soyeon noona - they must know of your secret rela-“ He doesn’t get to finish the sentence though, because the annoyed leader (whose complexion was looking warmer than ever) has a cushion implanted firmly in his face.
Mir makes an impatient clicking noise with his tongue as he pushes Seungho away and resumes scrolling through the lists on the iPad. “Woah, Sanghyun hyung gets paired up a lot with IU sunbaenim and Byunghee hyung with Jooyeon noona.” Mir smirks as the two aforementioned males shift uncomfortably in their seats.
“WHAT,” Mir suddenly shouts and stands up in shock, nearly dropping the iPad in the process (“If you do that again I’m not feeding you for a month,” Seungho warns.) “WHY AM I PAIRED UP WITH CHANGSUN-HYUNG?” the maknae whines as he scrolls through the offending story. “I DON’T WANT TO MARRY THAT HYUNG,” he wails in despair and drops the iPad loudly on the coffee table (“Oi!” Seungho yells).
“YAH!” Joon calls even louder from the sofa, sounding indignant, “I’d make a good wife! I mean… I’d make a good husband! Wait, why are we even getting married? What the fuck, Chulyong?” he splutters.
“You? The wife?” Mir laughs his maniacal laugh, “Hyung, you’d make a terrible wife!”
“What? AND WHY IS THAT?” Joon demands as he stands up, hands on hips and glares at the maknae. Mir notes that Joon actually has the impersonation of an ahjumma nailed.
“Because,” Mir drawls flatly, “I’m the pretty one.”
“ARE YOU SAYING I CAN’T BE THE WIFE BECAUSE I’M NOT PRETTY ENOUGH? LOOK AT ME, BRO. I’M - I’M BEAUTIFUL.” Joon’s words become a string of nonsense as his agitation causes him to speak even faster than usual. Finally, he turns to Thunder and demands, “Sanghyun, TELL HIM I’M BEAUTIFUL.”
“Chulyong-ah, Changsun hyung is beautiful,” Thunder replies deadpan, eyes still glued to the TV and sounding completely disinterested.
The bickering only escalates from there and eventually, hell breaks loose as Thunder joins in because Mir has the balls to declare himself prettier than Sandara noona (“Oh no you didn’t,” Thunder mutters as he throws a cushion at the youngest and lunges at him.)
Seungho, clutching his precious iPad to his chest to protect it from the idiots rolling around on the floor, watches on in amusement as the three rip apart a cushion and pull down the blinds .“That’s coming out of your paychecks,” he calls to them, and they glare at him for about three seconds before they resume wrestling one another.
“I can’t believe they’re arguing about who the prettiest one is,” Seungho mutters to G.O.
“Yeah,” G.O replies as he continues to watch Star King (because Jooyeon is on), “clearly, it’s me.”
Seungho snorts.
- - - - - -
Somehow their previous argument ends with Joon and Mir in a make believe marriage in MBLAQ’s dorm (and Mir is the wife because Joon has finally given up trying to convince the others that he’s prettier).
“You’re my father,” Mir declares to G.O one night when they’re all crowded around the TV watching music videos.
“What?” G.O answers bluntly, “I refuse. I don’t want a child like you.”
Mir waves away the hurtful comment and continues, “Come on, this game would be more fun if we had the in laws.” He looks at the other members excitedly as if Christmas had just come early.
“Seungho hyung…you can be my mother… because you nag a lot,” Mir continues.
“Oh yay,” Seungho drawls sarcastically in mock excitement, “I’ve inherited a 19 year old child whose probably got ADHD, and also a husband whose clearly cheating on me with the woman on tv.” Said woman just happened to be Jooyeon as one of After School’s MVs started playing.
“Are you jealous, yeobo?” G.O asks with a smirk as he makes a fake kissy face at Seungho, “Do you want a kiss?” He watches in content as Seungho promptly scoots away in disgust.
“That’s the spirit,” Mir replies happily.
“What about my parents?” Joon complains with his arms crossed.
“Sanghyun hyung can be your mother,” Mir resolves (“but I’m older than him!” Joon replies, horrified. “Hyung, losers can’t be choosers,” Mir counters.)
“I’m not agreeing to this,” Thunder replies flatly. He’s battled with being called “pretty” for most of his life and is not about to become someone’s mother. Plus, he refuses to have a child that’s bigger and more muscular than him. But somehow, he doesn’t think it’s not up to him to agree to or not because Mir already has Seungho in the kitchen making dinner by repeatedly screaming and whining “Umma, I’m hungry.” It’s funny how much control the maknae has in the household.
“Umma, you should help out,” Joon says casually to Thunder, playing along as if calling someone younger than you (and male) ‘mother’ isn’t awkward at all. “You should get to know the in laws.”
“I’ve lived with the in laws for two years,” Thunder snaps back, defiant, but he moves to the kitchen anyway.
“Yeobo, I want to eat ramen,” G.O calls to his supposed ‘wife’ from the sofa as Mir prances around the dorm yelling “Dumplings” and Joon rambles about protein shakes.
“…I fucking hate men,” Seungho mutters darkly, rain clouds and all, to Sanghyun as they boil water to make ramen. “…Wait…”
- - - - - -
A week into their make believe family household, the “happily married” couple is near argument once again.
“BANG CHULYONG,” Chansun calls loudly from his room. “WHY DO YOU INSIST ON PUTTING YOUR SOCKS IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER?”
“Because, hyung…They both smell,” Mir answers as if he was stating the most obvious thing in the world. “I thought it would be fitting.”
“…You think I smell like your feet?” Joon replies, incredulous. There was no way he could smell as bad as the maknae’s feet. Sure, he forgot to shower every once in a while…and also didn’t wash his hair as often as he should’ve…but there was no way he could smell as bad as the younger boy’s feet. That was just an insult.
“Well…” Mir starts as he looks up at Joon; and he recognises the very familiar (well, at least to him) redness in Joon’s face - an indication that the older male was moments away from bursting. Mir makes a strangled noise in his throat and coughs awkwardly, “Of course not hyung ... uh, I mean yeobo, I’ll go fix it up right now.”
And conflict is (surprisingly) avoided as Mir scuttles off to fish his socks from the drawer and Joon collapses onto the living room sofa with a sigh.
“Trouble with married life?” G.O asks with a smirk and a good natured chuckle as he bestows his ‘wisdom’ on his ‘son in law’. “See, Seungho and I don’t have this problem. He’s oddly submissive…” G.O’s smirk only widens when Seungho makes a crude finger gesture at him.
“You two seem to be enjoying this stupid game more than Chulyong and I…” Joon mutters with a pout. “Umma, give me some advice,” he asks as he turns to Thunder.
Thunder resists the urge to shudder at being called ‘mother’ - which was freaky no matter how you looked at it. “In love, you have to endure. Go apologise to Chulyong,” is the advice he offers. Why anyone would ask him advice on matters of the heart is beyond him. They all knew he was the only one that had never ha d a girlfriend before - save that one time on Mnet Scandal.
“Umma…that’s shit advice,” Changsun sighs.
“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” Seungho warns sternly - clearly enjoying the fact he has a reason to lecture.
Joon glowers and crosses his arms, pouting like a small child.
Thunder chuckles, “You know that expression doesn’t fit you.”
“Even my mother is a hater!” Joon whines dramatically.
“Hyung, here,” the makane remerges from his room with Joon’s entire collection of underwear in his hands and throws it in a neat pile at the older male’s feet.
Joon looks from his pile of underwear on the floor to the smiling maknae before him and then back again. “What. The. Fuck?” he asks, voice dangerously low. (“Holy shit, did the atmosphere just drop several hundred degrees?” Seungho mutters.)
“You said to separate my socks from your underwear. So here’s your underwear, hyung!” Mir chimes happily as if he’d just done Joon the greatest favour in the world.
“I - your...my underwear…remove your socks - not - my - underwear, my drawer” Joon splutters randomly as his left eye twitches.
“…I think he wanted you to remove your socks from his underwear drawer… not remove his underwear from his own drawer so you could keep your socks in them,” Thunder whispers to Mir lowly, sensing a dangerous atmosphere.
Mir mouths a silent ‘Oh.’
There’s unnatural silence for a few seconds (though it feels like an eternity) in which everyone stares at Joon, who had started to breathe heavily.
“Yah...” Joon finally starts. “I WANT A DIVORCE. NOW.”
And hell breaks loose again. Joon’s grabbed the maknae’s collar and is yelling about branded underwear and disgusting socks whilst Thunder is hit several times trying to break up the little kerfuffle. Seungho’s on his feet complaining about another broken cushion and dents in the sofa whilst G.O’s yelling at them all to shut the hell up so he can watch TV. It takes Seungho, G.O and Thunder ten minutes to diffuse the commotion as they finally pry Joon and Mir apart.
“Marriage. Over,” Joon declares, still fuming and glaring at the maknae.
- - - - - -
“You know,” Mir starts, several weeks later as they’re all sprawled in front of the TV watching movies, “…in this fanfiction…I’m married to Seungho-hyung… but Cheongdoong-hyung is secretly in love with me.”
The other four members stare at him. They did not want a repeat of anything to the likes of the pretend (and very destructive) marriage between Joon and Mir.
“I will pay you $100 if you never read fanfiction again,” G.O says flatly.
“$100 from each member,” Seungho adds pleadingly.