(no subject)
Thanks to Holly, who gave me a good list of songs I can listen to. Slower, sad songs some of them are. Bright eyes has to have the most lovely lyrics ever. Conor Oberst is a lyrical genius, and I completely understand the obsession over him. Good music makes me feel really little in a big world. Bright eyes made it possible for me to get through my tenth grade year. I love the way music makes things okay for me.
Anyway. I've been partying like crazy. Every night I'm out and about, doing things, going places. It's all a crazy whirlwind of faces and I can hardly keep my head on. My medicine has made it possible to start laughing and having energy again. I almost forgot how much I zoom around when I'm not depressed. I can't keep myself still. I need constant stimulation. I think that's why I haven't allowed myself to stay at home. I've got buzzing thoughts fighting at the inside of my head. I'm constantly jabbering away at something, talking someone's ear off. Taking the medicine has definitely made way for my ADHD to come back with a vengeance. It's better than the opposite, that's for sure. I think it's worth it, but I hate that I have to take it. I really wish I could just be normal.
Don't take for granted your mental health! How envious I am of those of you who can show and feel their true feelings without a cloud in their head, or chemicals in their stomach. Something I learned very young was that I would never be the same as anyone else because of my "quirks". Everything I did needed extra care, and guidance. Worksheets were finished at the speed of light, but I would completely forget the other side of them. I worked faster than anyone in my class. Speedy. But I sincerely lacked the patience to do my work with care. I was considered a "problem child" because I could never sit still. I never got my handwriting right. I still write like I learned the letters a week ago. My fingers race on the keyboard, and my thoughts change with the swiftness of a channel changing on the television. The wickedness of this all is combated with the depression chemical shift I get about once a year. Is it genetics? Is it situational? I don't know, but I really wish I could just be normal. I don't even know why I'm writing, in fact.
This zoloft has made me mighty honest. I suppose I just need to write things down every once in a while. Music makes my fingers talk. Writing really is a vessel for my heavy heart. I can carry my beating problems away on white.
Not much is happening around my house. My mom threatens divorce to my father constantly. As much as I hate how he's blind to everything he's doing to tear her up every day, I could never call someone else 'Dad'. That's the way it is. After 19 years of knowing them to be in love and together, if they were to divorce now, it would kill me. I wish my dad would see what he's doing to mom. He's stuck in the same head as I am. I won't let myself get that bad though. I will take care of myself. I'm not him. He has the chance to turn everything around this September. If he can get a job teaching, everything can be different! We can have steady pay coming in, and for once my mom won't be losing her hair over the mortgages and bills she can't pay. She'll be able to pay the utilities without taking it out of my savings with tears in her eyes. We really need my dad to try. If he keeps coming home with the things he buys, if he keeps buying more wine and beer my mom's heart will never be fixed. We've all got to hold on until next year.
Speaking of year, Matt and I will have been dating for one whole year this month. It doesn't feel like a year at all. We could of easily just started dating and I wouldn't of known the difference. We're crazy for each other still, and I couldn't ask for a more supportive boyfriend. I can't think of a thing wrong with us, other than the fact I'm so used to having him sleeping next to me each night, I don't want to let him go when he finally leaves, and I don't want to fall asleep without him. I feel like I'm a part of his family. I go to all the family birthdays, and to the family vacations. I'm in all the family pictures, and I'm up on the walls, framed in a picture. I'm going shopping with his mother and his brother's girlfriend, like we're all a family. Matt's mother gives me presents when she sees things that remind her of me. I eat dinner over there every Tuesday. Matt's dad has let me in too. I love Matt's cousins. Gabby runs to me when she sees me now, and Tommy and I talk like friends. There's no awkwardness. It goes both ways though, he comes to my family get-togethers as well. I'm thinking this is it. Is it wrong to say that I'm really convinced I'm going to be walking down the aisle with Matt? No, It's not. I'm in love with him now, and it's what I want. I'll knock on wood for this one. I won't lose him again, not ever again.
I suppose this is all, for my monthly check ups.
Anyway. I've been partying like crazy. Every night I'm out and about, doing things, going places. It's all a crazy whirlwind of faces and I can hardly keep my head on. My medicine has made it possible to start laughing and having energy again. I almost forgot how much I zoom around when I'm not depressed. I can't keep myself still. I need constant stimulation. I think that's why I haven't allowed myself to stay at home. I've got buzzing thoughts fighting at the inside of my head. I'm constantly jabbering away at something, talking someone's ear off. Taking the medicine has definitely made way for my ADHD to come back with a vengeance. It's better than the opposite, that's for sure. I think it's worth it, but I hate that I have to take it. I really wish I could just be normal.
Don't take for granted your mental health! How envious I am of those of you who can show and feel their true feelings without a cloud in their head, or chemicals in their stomach. Something I learned very young was that I would never be the same as anyone else because of my "quirks". Everything I did needed extra care, and guidance. Worksheets were finished at the speed of light, but I would completely forget the other side of them. I worked faster than anyone in my class. Speedy. But I sincerely lacked the patience to do my work with care. I was considered a "problem child" because I could never sit still. I never got my handwriting right. I still write like I learned the letters a week ago. My fingers race on the keyboard, and my thoughts change with the swiftness of a channel changing on the television. The wickedness of this all is combated with the depression chemical shift I get about once a year. Is it genetics? Is it situational? I don't know, but I really wish I could just be normal. I don't even know why I'm writing, in fact.
This zoloft has made me mighty honest. I suppose I just need to write things down every once in a while. Music makes my fingers talk. Writing really is a vessel for my heavy heart. I can carry my beating problems away on white.
Not much is happening around my house. My mom threatens divorce to my father constantly. As much as I hate how he's blind to everything he's doing to tear her up every day, I could never call someone else 'Dad'. That's the way it is. After 19 years of knowing them to be in love and together, if they were to divorce now, it would kill me. I wish my dad would see what he's doing to mom. He's stuck in the same head as I am. I won't let myself get that bad though. I will take care of myself. I'm not him. He has the chance to turn everything around this September. If he can get a job teaching, everything can be different! We can have steady pay coming in, and for once my mom won't be losing her hair over the mortgages and bills she can't pay. She'll be able to pay the utilities without taking it out of my savings with tears in her eyes. We really need my dad to try. If he keeps coming home with the things he buys, if he keeps buying more wine and beer my mom's heart will never be fixed. We've all got to hold on until next year.
Speaking of year, Matt and I will have been dating for one whole year this month. It doesn't feel like a year at all. We could of easily just started dating and I wouldn't of known the difference. We're crazy for each other still, and I couldn't ask for a more supportive boyfriend. I can't think of a thing wrong with us, other than the fact I'm so used to having him sleeping next to me each night, I don't want to let him go when he finally leaves, and I don't want to fall asleep without him. I feel like I'm a part of his family. I go to all the family birthdays, and to the family vacations. I'm in all the family pictures, and I'm up on the walls, framed in a picture. I'm going shopping with his mother and his brother's girlfriend, like we're all a family. Matt's mother gives me presents when she sees things that remind her of me. I eat dinner over there every Tuesday. Matt's dad has let me in too. I love Matt's cousins. Gabby runs to me when she sees me now, and Tommy and I talk like friends. There's no awkwardness. It goes both ways though, he comes to my family get-togethers as well. I'm thinking this is it. Is it wrong to say that I'm really convinced I'm going to be walking down the aisle with Matt? No, It's not. I'm in love with him now, and it's what I want. I'll knock on wood for this one. I won't lose him again, not ever again.
I suppose this is all, for my monthly check ups.