The child in the photograph
The most heartbreaking thing for me is looking at old photographs. Too a place I once lived and can never return. I look at that little girl and remember the innocence of that life, the happiness and how everything I lived was cradled in love and safety.
I ache for those days. Many nights thinking back to days when the sun sifting through the trees was pure magic, when summers at the cottage seemed endless. A time when my mind and body were not tainted. I took it all for granted... simply because I didn't know what the future meant.
I can never go back. There is no starting over. I regret many things I have done in my life. The first time I swore at my mother (also the first time I made her cry)... The abusive man I gave my heart and body to... The times I ran away from home, trying to grab some sort of attention, from my parents or my peers. Trying to find myself in very harmful ways. I was always there... I was there when I was a child, but I didn't see. I didn't understand until now, that the person I was trying to find was the beautiful and innocent child I once was.
Now it is too late. There were too many mistakes, which now haunt me. I cannot erase the memories. There is no way back to who I was supposed to be.
I hold onto the magic and wonder in this world that I know of. The glistening wings and the wild unicorns, which continue to grow inside of me... I sit here gripping these photographs, wishing to jump inside this. For if it leaves me, the shining flowing world, I will turn to dust... I will lose all hope.
Hope that I can actually create a life where I am no longer wanting to be a child again. Instead live as I am now, as pure and as happy, as I once was.
Sometimes I wish I could start over.
I ache for those days. Many nights thinking back to days when the sun sifting through the trees was pure magic, when summers at the cottage seemed endless. A time when my mind and body were not tainted. I took it all for granted... simply because I didn't know what the future meant.
I can never go back. There is no starting over. I regret many things I have done in my life. The first time I swore at my mother (also the first time I made her cry)... The abusive man I gave my heart and body to... The times I ran away from home, trying to grab some sort of attention, from my parents or my peers. Trying to find myself in very harmful ways. I was always there... I was there when I was a child, but I didn't see. I didn't understand until now, that the person I was trying to find was the beautiful and innocent child I once was.
Now it is too late. There were too many mistakes, which now haunt me. I cannot erase the memories. There is no way back to who I was supposed to be.
I hold onto the magic and wonder in this world that I know of. The glistening wings and the wild unicorns, which continue to grow inside of me... I sit here gripping these photographs, wishing to jump inside this. For if it leaves me, the shining flowing world, I will turn to dust... I will lose all hope.
Hope that I can actually create a life where I am no longer wanting to be a child again. Instead live as I am now, as pure and as happy, as I once was.
Sometimes I wish I could start over.