Fanfic: Beneath Your Constellation (Siwon/Kyuhyun) - Chapter 5
Title: Beneath Your Constellation (Chapter 5)
Authors: bl4ckm4lice and jusrecht
Fandom: Super Junior RPF
Pairing: Siwon/Kyuhyun
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Mature content, including foul words and imagery and stuff
Word Count: ~3700
Summary: Host Club/Futuristic AU. The story began in Federation Year 2431 when two stars collided: Cho Kyuhyun at the peak and Choi Siwon on the rise.
A/N: A fair amount of ChangKyu in this chapter.
Artwork © bl4ckm4lice \O/
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Day 253, Federation Year 2432
“Your next client is here.”
Kyuhyun groaned from the couch he was sprawled in. Of all the advanced technologies he had mixed feelings about, the revitalizer would be on top of the list, especially since it made people like Zhou Mi felt like they had the right to be a slave-driver. Step inside and you'll be as good as new! said the commercial, as if people were things that could easily become new again, flawless and free from any scar.
“Seriously, Mi, I’m still sore from that bastard-”
“You might want to let me finish before saying no,” Zhou Mi had interrupted sarcastically before he could voice the rest of his complaint, “because the next one happens to be your favorite client.”
“Really?” Kyuhyun sat up quickly, wincing when the action pulled certain tissues which had yet to properly heal after his last session, barely half an hour ago.
“I knew you’d be interested if it were him,” Zhou Mi said with a smirk. “He’s booked you for the entire night by the way-though why anyone would pay your ludicrous price only to spend hours gaming and drinking with you is beyond me.”
“Half of it is going into your pocket, so shut up,” Kyuhyun shot back, biting his lower lip at a twinge that raced up his spine when he stood up and headed toward his vanity. Gilded and ornately carved, the piece of furniture was an ostentatious display of extravagance-a gift, as were the majority of the things in this private room of his-but at least it still served its purpose.
“Let me do it,” Zhou Mi said impatiently after a few moments of watching Kyuhyun fumbling with his makeup apparatus. “You tend to go overboard when it comes to him.”
Kyuhyun remained silent as the brushes and pencils were taken away from his hands. Zhou Mi had never actually mentioned it, but of course he knew about Kyuhyun’s pitiful little crush. He practically made it his business to know every little thing concerning his boys-which was also why Kyuhyun found it really satisfying to keep Shiyuan as his little secret, a piece of something that Zhou Mi had absolutely no knowledge about.
“There,” the other man told him five minutes later.
Kyuhyun looked at the mirror and smiled. Zhou Mi had many talents and this was definitely one of them. Nowadays, there was of course the standard, easy-to-use makeup kit which people could simply 'wear' as they would any clothes in just a few seconds, but enhancing beauty remained largely an art, incomparable in human’s hands. And Zhou Mi’s hands were skillful ones, as proven by what he had done to Kyuhyun’s face-all soft shades and natural colors. To an inexperienced eye, it would seem that he hardly wore any makeup at all, but the magic was there, covering imperfections and accentuating lines and lending a healthy glow to his skin.
“Thanks,” he muttered, trying not to sound too pleased.
The smile Zhou Mi gave him in return was almost motherly. “Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?”
Kyuhyun only rolled his eyes as Zhou Mi turned toward the door and left with a last reminder for him to use the revitalizer. Any other time, it would have annoyed him to be treated like an amateur, but he did understand where the other man came from. The steadily increasing cacophony inside his chest was proof enough that Zhou Mi’s concern was not without reason. His next client was special; the fact that he was received here, in Kyuhyun’s private room, already spoke volumes of his privileged status.
Despite the range of service they provided, SMENT was not a whorehouse. The standard procedure was to hire a host out to a place of the client’s choosing, whether it was a comfortable hotel room (a list of luxurious but discreet hotels were also available upon request) or a less anonymous place under the client’s name, hence the word 'callboys' on the company's tagline. Entertaining a guest within the club’s premises was normally limited to the spacious lounge on the ground floor. No client was allowed in the inner rooms of the club.
That was, no client but one.
When Shim Changmin walked into the room, Kyuhyun actually had to make an effort not to let a smile take over the entirety of his face. Zhou Mi’s warning still rang clearly in his head, and so he forced himself to stay put and let the other man approach him.
The brief, chaste kiss Changmin gave to his lips, however, nearly undid his resolve. It was all Kyuhyun could do not to use every trick in his book and seduce the taller man into deepening the kiss, just because he knew Changmin wouldn’t refuse him and also because he knew he himself would enjoy it.
“What did you pay for this time?” he asked instead.
“The full package, for twenty-four hours,” Changmin replied airily, and then added, at Kyuhyun’s incredulous look, “I have money to blow, alright? So why not spend it on something-or someone-I actually like?”
“I would hate your rich married ass so much if you didn’t happen to be one of the few remaining gamers in this side of the galaxy who can actually play,” Kyuhyun muttered, earning himself a grin in return.
“Does that mean you’ve got better since our last match? Rather hard to believe, what’s with your popularity and all. I had to book you weeks in advance, you know.”
Kyuhyun only smirked as they entered the hologram deck (one which Zhou Mi had originally installed for business purposes but Kyuhyun later hijacked for gaming purposes). He didn’t bother to mention that a regular client who wished for his company would have to make a booking months in advance. Luckily for Changmin, he wasn’t only Kyuhyun’s favorite; he was, more importantly, Zhou Mi’s, which actually came as no surprise, especially considering his habit to spend freely on not only Kyuhyun but also bottles of their most expensive wine.
After choosing their usual program-in which each of them would play as the captain of a ship competing against one another-Kyuhyun settled in his corner and allowed himself to relax at last. Gaming was practically the only time when he could be himself. Changmin was not only a worthy nemesis behind a console; he was also a good friend, and this really would have been a perfect arrangement if not for that small, hidden bud inside Kyuhyun that always wanted to bloom despite being left to dry.
The thing about Shim Changmin, other than the fact that he came from one of the most politically powerful families in this quadrant, was that he was practically the only one among Kyuhyun’s long, long list of clientele who hired him for something other than physical gratification. He was bisexual, but he was also very much in love with his wife and would not have sought Kyuhyun out if not for the rumors of his gaming proficiency in the first place. If he did end up touching Kyuhyun in a less-than-platonic way during their time together, then it was his right, given the amount of money he had paid. If he did not, then it was another proof that Changmin really regarded him as a friend-that he had come here because he honestly enjoyed Kyuhyun’s company.
That was the reason why he had managed to claim a very special corner of Kyuhyun’s heart, along with his genuine affection. Still, Kyuhyun knew better than to take advantage of whatever corporeal interest Changmin might have had on his person and ruin such a rare, wonderful specimen of friendship for a moment’s fling, no matter how much he yearned for something more, with this man who had come to mean so much for him.
Besides, it was stupidity to attach oneself too much to another person. Experience had taught him that such a thing would only hurt one in the end, and was best avoided at all cost. It was a lesson he held close, the memories that came with it uninvited but necessary, serving as a harsh reminder.
He didn’t know how many hours had passed, how many bottles of wine had been emptied, when they finally stumbled out of the deck, swaying on their feet and giggling like little girls. Somewhere in the room, there was a bed, but Changmin was too drunk with triumph and alcohol both to notice it. His uncoordinated feet tripped on a soft fur rug, and he was content to bring Kyuhyun down with him, amidst an arrangement of downy pillows.
Despite his earlier defeat in the virtual planes, Kyuhyun didn’t remember the last time he had been this happy. He was positively floating among the clouds when he felt the warmth of Changmin’s lips ghosting over his.
“Now I believe what they say about the victor’s spoils,” Changmin hummed, his breath tickling the side of Kyuhyun’s cheek.
“What? That nothing is sweeter?”
“That euphoria is the best aphrodisiac,” Changmin replied gleefully before claiming his lips once more. Kyuhyun only moaned into the kiss, adrenaline still running high in his system. He would love to get things moving as quickly as possible, but Changmin was too content-and possibly also too drunk-to do anything more than tracing sloppy kisses down Kyuhyun’s neck.
At least for now.
“You look happy,” Changmin suddenly spoke again, his words slightly slurred.
Kyuhyun scoffed. “You mean I look drunk.”
“And happy,” Changmin insisted with a decidedly unmanly giggle. “Hmm. Let me guess. You’ve finally found someone.”
Kyuhyun stared into Changmin's eyes, trying to ignore the sudden bloom of hurt inside his chest. Define 'someone', he wanted to say, because the term 'finding someone' had a wide range of definition. Someone he could convince to do anything he wanted with a mere wink of an eye-well, there were lots. Someone he could at least be comfortable with-there were Zhou Mi, Jonghyun, and several other long-time acquaintances.
Someone he was having a far-too-personal comfort with, currently there was only one. And that one person was staring back at him, waiting for his answer.
“What a stupid question,” he only said in the end, his voice toneless.
“Really? Is there really no one special in your life, Kyu?”
“What? And give up all these?” Kyuhyun laughed, though it sounded hollow in his ears. “Yeah, right.”
Changmin fell silent for a few moments. He actually managed to look thoughtful despite the drunken haze in his eyes. “I know that you’re practically living on the lap of luxury here, but…” He shrugged, a helpless, confused gesture.
“But what? There is no but. I’m perfectly happy living as I am.”
“Well, don’t you want something more real sometimes? Something like love?”
Kyuhyun let a smile grace his lips, one full of thorns and barbed wires. “Maybe this is news for you, but some of us actually can’t afford to fall in love if we want to survive.”
Now Changmin was frowning down at him. “Is it because of this job?”
“You’re so annoying tonight,” Kyuhyun retorted, glaring at the other man. “I’ll ‘accidentally’ leave a message for your wife if you don’t stop this right now.”
To his surprise, Changmin broke into a laugh. “Be my guest,” he declared cheerfully. “It’s not like she doesn’t know about you. In fact, she has been curious for some time about this delightful, wonderful ‘Kyu’ that everybody keeps mentioning.”
Kyuhyun did not answer, caught between agony and amazement. Of course, an open relationship was pretty much the norm now, but… he never could understand it. He could only understand the desire to possess. To not share. After all, that was what he did to his clients-making them crave for him more, more, more, and so always put him at the very top of their priority list. At least in that way, they would be his. He would own everything.
Except for the kind of love and trust that Changmin had with his wife. That was something he would never own.
Not that it mattered much. Falling in love was a luxury and whores did not have that luxury, so he only pulled Changmin closer and muttered, “Will you just shut up and fuck me?”
“I thought I was the customer here,” Changmin pointed out, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, what an illusion that is, isn’t it?”
It earned him a laugh as Changmin leaned down to kiss him again. Kyuhyun smirked and that smirk stayed on his face until they were done, until Changmin fell asleep in his arms. Because only then would he kiss the top of Changmin’s head and let his heart speak at last-every single unrequited word.
Although no one was listening.
(At least the thing he felt towards Changmin wasn't love, because he would never let that small bud grow, no matter how natural and harmless it might seem.)
-
Day 255, Federation Year 2432
“Is something wrong?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes flung open. “What?” he said confusedly, his breath scarcely returning to its regular cadence. The sheet was damp under his naked body-naked but for a tiny, frilly piece of lingerie still clinging to his skin. The outer layer, the sheer lingerie dress meant for women, laid forgotten on the floor, despite his client's earlier persistence to get him into it. The lace prickled an itch on his lower back, but after three successive orgasms, he found the muscles in his body too languid for any attempt of movement.
“You look...” his companion paused, turning slightly to have a better look at him, “I don’t know, sad? You don’t even insult me all that much today.”
Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, glaring at an arrangement of red roses-real red roses, one of the costliest in the market-on the nightstand. He knew that he did not treat Siwon like a client, even during his best moods, except for the occasional requests he deigned to allow. Like the lingerie. There was absolutely no need to employ any of his usual tactics when his only goal was to force Siwon to admit defeat in this ridiculous farce as soon as possible.
“Maybe because I’m bored beyond imagination,” was his careless reply. “Did you ever think that?”
The sting was mild, but Siwon no longer flinched at his jabs. “Then we should play something else,” he only said-with a smile even, his fingers quietly playing with the lace resting on Kyuhyun’s thigh.
Kyuhyun could feel the bile of a thousand biting insults rising at the back of his throat. But they all seemed pointless now, sharp deadly needles without aim. In fact, nothing seemed to matter much anymore. He only felt tired.
Of their stupid little bet. Of these pointless meetings in different-but-all-the-same hotel rooms. Of everything.
Kyuhyun let his eyes drift shut once more, feeling a pounding ache just above his eyelids. It was easy enough to place the blame. A meeting with Changmin nearly always left him like this. That man had everything, and Kyuhyun, despite the high ground his so-called throne was perched on, did not own him.
Still, it wouldn’t have been too much of a problem if he hadn’t had to face this man-this immature, impulsive man who didn’t even hesitate to waste the paychecks of several months only on one tryst. As far as expressions of unrelenting devotion went, it was flattering enough. In fact, the gesture would have been endearing if it weren’t so absurdly, senselessly stupid.
“Why do you keep doing this?” he heard himself ask, and was, at the moment, unable to care that his voice sounded thin and frail and so very vulnerable.
“I thought we had a bet,” Siwon answered after a lengthy pause.
“Really.” Kyuhyun snorted in disbelief and opened his eyes to glare at the other man. “Because of a bet. All this because of a bet.”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the truth.”
“What can possibly be sillier than because of a bet?”
“Because I fell in love,” Siwon replied mildly, and then grinned at the face Kyuhyun was making, clearly mistaking it for the usual scoff. “See? I told you you wouldn’t believe me.”
“Are you seriously using that line? On me?”
Siwon’s smile gained a slightly embarrassed edge. “It’s not that bad.”
“You mean aside from being the worst cliché ever and pretty much a suicide under any rule of flirting?”
“Fine, maybe it’s that bad,” Siwon admitted, his eyes strangely bright in the dim room. “Which begs the question, why would someone like me use it on someone like you unless it was the truth?”
Kyuhyun fell silent, trapped between annoyance at having his own argument turned on him, and what almost felt like grudging acknowledgement. After all, Siwon did have a point. Which only made it worse.
“You’re in for something really painful, you know,” he finally said, his eyes holding the other man’s gaze. It could be pity which made him say it. It could be something far uglier.
“I had a hunch.” Siwon’s smile was faint. Self-conscious. “But I’m not planning to give up.”
Kyuhyun looked away, to the redness of the roses by his head. His pounding headache had intensified. Now he remembered why he never really liked roses. Their sharp scent was unpleasantly strong in his nose.
“I’m serious.” He heard the tight, hard note slipping into his voice. “I don’t feel anything for you. I cannot feel anything for anyone.”
Incongruously, Siwon laughed. “Stop trying to make me stop trying,” he said teasingly, feather-light fingers tracing shapeless patterns on the base of Kyuhyun’s ribs, “or I’d start thinking that I might just have a chance.”
It was this nonchalance, this utter disregard for everything he had said that made Kyuhyun finally snap. As if grasped by a sudden spell, he seized a fistful of red and green, and threw the flowers at Siwon, wanting nothing but to hurt him. Except, of course every hint of thorn had been removed and all that was left was the stench of perfume poisoning his head.
“You think this is all fun and games?” He almost didn’t recognize his own voice, pitched high in near-hysteria. “You think you can just waltz in here with your little trick and your flower bouquet, fuck me a few times, and then make me fall for you? You think I’m stupid? A helpless virgin princess waiting for her one true love?”
The shock on Siwon’s face would have been comical in a different situation. “I didn’t-”
“No, you didn’t,” Kyuhyun snarled, words barreling past each other, pushing against his teeth. “You have no idea how I got here, do you. No idea what kind of things I did. Never say no, that’s Kyu, your best fucking fantasy. You’d never want to kiss me if you knew half the things I’ve got in my mouth throughout these years because yes, master, your pathetic slut will obey your every fucking order. Which hole, master. Which part of your fallen queen’s filthy body. Oh yes, I love your cock, master, even if it tastes like piss and shit. What a divine blessing your cum is. And yes, I love pain too, master. You can shove a razor into my ass and this little whore of yours will be screaming, begging for more-because guess what? Your best fantasy never says no.”
The silence was loud, haunted by the foul echoes of his tirade. His head was filled with a ringing sound and his throat felt like it had been scrubbed raw. Kyuhyun glanced down, at the red petals crushed between his fingers, and then up once more, at Siwon’s dumbstruck face.
“If you think I didn’t get through hell to get where I am,” he spoke again, his voice deadly calm, “if you think I would throw everything away for this childish obsession you call love, god, what a stupid, fucking moron you are.”
He had gone out of bed and out of room in less than five seconds, covered in nothing but the frilly piece clinging to his hips. Kyuhyun barely noticed the shadow of Jonghyun’s faithful presence, or the shocked, scandalized stares directed his way as he tore his way blindly to the hotel’s parking dock. Guests and attendants alike gaped at his nakedness, some of them sprinkled with recognition. Let them see. Two hundred credits per glimpse-for once free of charge. He could always dismiss it later with a coquettish laugh, and maybe an embarrassed confession that he had been feeling a little too hot and just ever so slightly adventurous. Oh, please, Mi, just take it as a viral marketing.
For now, he just wanted to disappear. The shuttle was ready and waiting-the invaluable Jonghyun, as always, anticipating his every need. He ignored the empty rows of seat and headed straight for the back of the craft. There, in the gap behind the rearmost seat, he sat huddled on the rough-carpeted floor and let shame and misery burn him completely.
To lose control like that. When every single second of his life he had strived for control.
Because of someone so unimportant, no less. Siwon was in no way special. There were many men who claimed to feel the same thing and would also sacrifice everything for him. So what if Siwon swallowed the harshest words and received the worst attitude only to still tell Kyuhyun that he loved him?
Not after this, a calm voice said loudly and clearly in his head, not after you broke down and showed him that you're not the almighty, invulnerable queen after all.
Everything he had done, every single wall he had built to protect himself-all gone, crumbling like dust because he couldn’t control his emotions and keep his mouth shut. The self-disgust churning inside his stomach almost made him throw up. His body hadn’t stopped shaking, even until he felt the shuttle came to life, gently rising into the air.
Jonghyun did not try to comfort him; he never would, unless Kyuhyun allowed him. Instead, he would remain in the pilot seat, pretending to navigate their way to a specific point of destination while in truth they only drifted aimlessly, wasting the hours because there would be questions if they were to return now.
Only his coat sat waiting on the arm of the third-from-the-back seat, a mute offer of support. Kyuhyun did not take it for a long time.
End Chapter 5
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Authors: bl4ckm4lice and jusrecht
Fandom: Super Junior RPF
Pairing: Siwon/Kyuhyun
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Mature content, including foul words and imagery and stuff
Word Count: ~3700
Summary: Host Club/Futuristic AU. The story began in Federation Year 2431 when two stars collided: Cho Kyuhyun at the peak and Choi Siwon on the rise.
A/N: A fair amount of ChangKyu in this chapter.
Artwork © bl4ckm4lice \O/
previous
all chapters
Day 253, Federation Year 2432
“Your next client is here.”
Kyuhyun groaned from the couch he was sprawled in. Of all the advanced technologies he had mixed feelings about, the revitalizer would be on top of the list, especially since it made people like Zhou Mi felt like they had the right to be a slave-driver. Step inside and you'll be as good as new! said the commercial, as if people were things that could easily become new again, flawless and free from any scar.
“Seriously, Mi, I’m still sore from that bastard-”
“You might want to let me finish before saying no,” Zhou Mi had interrupted sarcastically before he could voice the rest of his complaint, “because the next one happens to be your favorite client.”
“Really?” Kyuhyun sat up quickly, wincing when the action pulled certain tissues which had yet to properly heal after his last session, barely half an hour ago.
“I knew you’d be interested if it were him,” Zhou Mi said with a smirk. “He’s booked you for the entire night by the way-though why anyone would pay your ludicrous price only to spend hours gaming and drinking with you is beyond me.”
“Half of it is going into your pocket, so shut up,” Kyuhyun shot back, biting his lower lip at a twinge that raced up his spine when he stood up and headed toward his vanity. Gilded and ornately carved, the piece of furniture was an ostentatious display of extravagance-a gift, as were the majority of the things in this private room of his-but at least it still served its purpose.
“Let me do it,” Zhou Mi said impatiently after a few moments of watching Kyuhyun fumbling with his makeup apparatus. “You tend to go overboard when it comes to him.”
Kyuhyun remained silent as the brushes and pencils were taken away from his hands. Zhou Mi had never actually mentioned it, but of course he knew about Kyuhyun’s pitiful little crush. He practically made it his business to know every little thing concerning his boys-which was also why Kyuhyun found it really satisfying to keep Shiyuan as his little secret, a piece of something that Zhou Mi had absolutely no knowledge about.
“There,” the other man told him five minutes later.
Kyuhyun looked at the mirror and smiled. Zhou Mi had many talents and this was definitely one of them. Nowadays, there was of course the standard, easy-to-use makeup kit which people could simply 'wear' as they would any clothes in just a few seconds, but enhancing beauty remained largely an art, incomparable in human’s hands. And Zhou Mi’s hands were skillful ones, as proven by what he had done to Kyuhyun’s face-all soft shades and natural colors. To an inexperienced eye, it would seem that he hardly wore any makeup at all, but the magic was there, covering imperfections and accentuating lines and lending a healthy glow to his skin.
“Thanks,” he muttered, trying not to sound too pleased.
The smile Zhou Mi gave him in return was almost motherly. “Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?”
Kyuhyun only rolled his eyes as Zhou Mi turned toward the door and left with a last reminder for him to use the revitalizer. Any other time, it would have annoyed him to be treated like an amateur, but he did understand where the other man came from. The steadily increasing cacophony inside his chest was proof enough that Zhou Mi’s concern was not without reason. His next client was special; the fact that he was received here, in Kyuhyun’s private room, already spoke volumes of his privileged status.
Despite the range of service they provided, SMENT was not a whorehouse. The standard procedure was to hire a host out to a place of the client’s choosing, whether it was a comfortable hotel room (a list of luxurious but discreet hotels were also available upon request) or a less anonymous place under the client’s name, hence the word 'callboys' on the company's tagline. Entertaining a guest within the club’s premises was normally limited to the spacious lounge on the ground floor. No client was allowed in the inner rooms of the club.
That was, no client but one.
When Shim Changmin walked into the room, Kyuhyun actually had to make an effort not to let a smile take over the entirety of his face. Zhou Mi’s warning still rang clearly in his head, and so he forced himself to stay put and let the other man approach him.
The brief, chaste kiss Changmin gave to his lips, however, nearly undid his resolve. It was all Kyuhyun could do not to use every trick in his book and seduce the taller man into deepening the kiss, just because he knew Changmin wouldn’t refuse him and also because he knew he himself would enjoy it.
“What did you pay for this time?” he asked instead.
“The full package, for twenty-four hours,” Changmin replied airily, and then added, at Kyuhyun’s incredulous look, “I have money to blow, alright? So why not spend it on something-or someone-I actually like?”
“I would hate your rich married ass so much if you didn’t happen to be one of the few remaining gamers in this side of the galaxy who can actually play,” Kyuhyun muttered, earning himself a grin in return.
“Does that mean you’ve got better since our last match? Rather hard to believe, what’s with your popularity and all. I had to book you weeks in advance, you know.”
Kyuhyun only smirked as they entered the hologram deck (one which Zhou Mi had originally installed for business purposes but Kyuhyun later hijacked for gaming purposes). He didn’t bother to mention that a regular client who wished for his company would have to make a booking months in advance. Luckily for Changmin, he wasn’t only Kyuhyun’s favorite; he was, more importantly, Zhou Mi’s, which actually came as no surprise, especially considering his habit to spend freely on not only Kyuhyun but also bottles of their most expensive wine.
After choosing their usual program-in which each of them would play as the captain of a ship competing against one another-Kyuhyun settled in his corner and allowed himself to relax at last. Gaming was practically the only time when he could be himself. Changmin was not only a worthy nemesis behind a console; he was also a good friend, and this really would have been a perfect arrangement if not for that small, hidden bud inside Kyuhyun that always wanted to bloom despite being left to dry.
The thing about Shim Changmin, other than the fact that he came from one of the most politically powerful families in this quadrant, was that he was practically the only one among Kyuhyun’s long, long list of clientele who hired him for something other than physical gratification. He was bisexual, but he was also very much in love with his wife and would not have sought Kyuhyun out if not for the rumors of his gaming proficiency in the first place. If he did end up touching Kyuhyun in a less-than-platonic way during their time together, then it was his right, given the amount of money he had paid. If he did not, then it was another proof that Changmin really regarded him as a friend-that he had come here because he honestly enjoyed Kyuhyun’s company.
That was the reason why he had managed to claim a very special corner of Kyuhyun’s heart, along with his genuine affection. Still, Kyuhyun knew better than to take advantage of whatever corporeal interest Changmin might have had on his person and ruin such a rare, wonderful specimen of friendship for a moment’s fling, no matter how much he yearned for something more, with this man who had come to mean so much for him.
Besides, it was stupidity to attach oneself too much to another person. Experience had taught him that such a thing would only hurt one in the end, and was best avoided at all cost. It was a lesson he held close, the memories that came with it uninvited but necessary, serving as a harsh reminder.
He didn’t know how many hours had passed, how many bottles of wine had been emptied, when they finally stumbled out of the deck, swaying on their feet and giggling like little girls. Somewhere in the room, there was a bed, but Changmin was too drunk with triumph and alcohol both to notice it. His uncoordinated feet tripped on a soft fur rug, and he was content to bring Kyuhyun down with him, amidst an arrangement of downy pillows.
Despite his earlier defeat in the virtual planes, Kyuhyun didn’t remember the last time he had been this happy. He was positively floating among the clouds when he felt the warmth of Changmin’s lips ghosting over his.
“Now I believe what they say about the victor’s spoils,” Changmin hummed, his breath tickling the side of Kyuhyun’s cheek.
“What? That nothing is sweeter?”
“That euphoria is the best aphrodisiac,” Changmin replied gleefully before claiming his lips once more. Kyuhyun only moaned into the kiss, adrenaline still running high in his system. He would love to get things moving as quickly as possible, but Changmin was too content-and possibly also too drunk-to do anything more than tracing sloppy kisses down Kyuhyun’s neck.
At least for now.
“You look happy,” Changmin suddenly spoke again, his words slightly slurred.
Kyuhyun scoffed. “You mean I look drunk.”
“And happy,” Changmin insisted with a decidedly unmanly giggle. “Hmm. Let me guess. You’ve finally found someone.”
Kyuhyun stared into Changmin's eyes, trying to ignore the sudden bloom of hurt inside his chest. Define 'someone', he wanted to say, because the term 'finding someone' had a wide range of definition. Someone he could convince to do anything he wanted with a mere wink of an eye-well, there were lots. Someone he could at least be comfortable with-there were Zhou Mi, Jonghyun, and several other long-time acquaintances.
Someone he was having a far-too-personal comfort with, currently there was only one. And that one person was staring back at him, waiting for his answer.
“What a stupid question,” he only said in the end, his voice toneless.
“Really? Is there really no one special in your life, Kyu?”
“What? And give up all these?” Kyuhyun laughed, though it sounded hollow in his ears. “Yeah, right.”
Changmin fell silent for a few moments. He actually managed to look thoughtful despite the drunken haze in his eyes. “I know that you’re practically living on the lap of luxury here, but…” He shrugged, a helpless, confused gesture.
“But what? There is no but. I’m perfectly happy living as I am.”
“Well, don’t you want something more real sometimes? Something like love?”
Kyuhyun let a smile grace his lips, one full of thorns and barbed wires. “Maybe this is news for you, but some of us actually can’t afford to fall in love if we want to survive.”
Now Changmin was frowning down at him. “Is it because of this job?”
“You’re so annoying tonight,” Kyuhyun retorted, glaring at the other man. “I’ll ‘accidentally’ leave a message for your wife if you don’t stop this right now.”
To his surprise, Changmin broke into a laugh. “Be my guest,” he declared cheerfully. “It’s not like she doesn’t know about you. In fact, she has been curious for some time about this delightful, wonderful ‘Kyu’ that everybody keeps mentioning.”
Kyuhyun did not answer, caught between agony and amazement. Of course, an open relationship was pretty much the norm now, but… he never could understand it. He could only understand the desire to possess. To not share. After all, that was what he did to his clients-making them crave for him more, more, more, and so always put him at the very top of their priority list. At least in that way, they would be his. He would own everything.
Except for the kind of love and trust that Changmin had with his wife. That was something he would never own.
Not that it mattered much. Falling in love was a luxury and whores did not have that luxury, so he only pulled Changmin closer and muttered, “Will you just shut up and fuck me?”
“I thought I was the customer here,” Changmin pointed out, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, what an illusion that is, isn’t it?”
It earned him a laugh as Changmin leaned down to kiss him again. Kyuhyun smirked and that smirk stayed on his face until they were done, until Changmin fell asleep in his arms. Because only then would he kiss the top of Changmin’s head and let his heart speak at last-every single unrequited word.
Although no one was listening.
(At least the thing he felt towards Changmin wasn't love, because he would never let that small bud grow, no matter how natural and harmless it might seem.)
-
Day 255, Federation Year 2432
“Is something wrong?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes flung open. “What?” he said confusedly, his breath scarcely returning to its regular cadence. The sheet was damp under his naked body-naked but for a tiny, frilly piece of lingerie still clinging to his skin. The outer layer, the sheer lingerie dress meant for women, laid forgotten on the floor, despite his client's earlier persistence to get him into it. The lace prickled an itch on his lower back, but after three successive orgasms, he found the muscles in his body too languid for any attempt of movement.
“You look...” his companion paused, turning slightly to have a better look at him, “I don’t know, sad? You don’t even insult me all that much today.”
Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, glaring at an arrangement of red roses-real red roses, one of the costliest in the market-on the nightstand. He knew that he did not treat Siwon like a client, even during his best moods, except for the occasional requests he deigned to allow. Like the lingerie. There was absolutely no need to employ any of his usual tactics when his only goal was to force Siwon to admit defeat in this ridiculous farce as soon as possible.
“Maybe because I’m bored beyond imagination,” was his careless reply. “Did you ever think that?”
The sting was mild, but Siwon no longer flinched at his jabs. “Then we should play something else,” he only said-with a smile even, his fingers quietly playing with the lace resting on Kyuhyun’s thigh.
Kyuhyun could feel the bile of a thousand biting insults rising at the back of his throat. But they all seemed pointless now, sharp deadly needles without aim. In fact, nothing seemed to matter much anymore. He only felt tired.
Of their stupid little bet. Of these pointless meetings in different-but-all-the-same hotel rooms. Of everything.
Kyuhyun let his eyes drift shut once more, feeling a pounding ache just above his eyelids. It was easy enough to place the blame. A meeting with Changmin nearly always left him like this. That man had everything, and Kyuhyun, despite the high ground his so-called throne was perched on, did not own him.
Still, it wouldn’t have been too much of a problem if he hadn’t had to face this man-this immature, impulsive man who didn’t even hesitate to waste the paychecks of several months only on one tryst. As far as expressions of unrelenting devotion went, it was flattering enough. In fact, the gesture would have been endearing if it weren’t so absurdly, senselessly stupid.
“Why do you keep doing this?” he heard himself ask, and was, at the moment, unable to care that his voice sounded thin and frail and so very vulnerable.
“I thought we had a bet,” Siwon answered after a lengthy pause.
“Really.” Kyuhyun snorted in disbelief and opened his eyes to glare at the other man. “Because of a bet. All this because of a bet.”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the truth.”
“What can possibly be sillier than because of a bet?”
“Because I fell in love,” Siwon replied mildly, and then grinned at the face Kyuhyun was making, clearly mistaking it for the usual scoff. “See? I told you you wouldn’t believe me.”
“Are you seriously using that line? On me?”
Siwon’s smile gained a slightly embarrassed edge. “It’s not that bad.”
“You mean aside from being the worst cliché ever and pretty much a suicide under any rule of flirting?”
“Fine, maybe it’s that bad,” Siwon admitted, his eyes strangely bright in the dim room. “Which begs the question, why would someone like me use it on someone like you unless it was the truth?”
Kyuhyun fell silent, trapped between annoyance at having his own argument turned on him, and what almost felt like grudging acknowledgement. After all, Siwon did have a point. Which only made it worse.
“You’re in for something really painful, you know,” he finally said, his eyes holding the other man’s gaze. It could be pity which made him say it. It could be something far uglier.
“I had a hunch.” Siwon’s smile was faint. Self-conscious. “But I’m not planning to give up.”
Kyuhyun looked away, to the redness of the roses by his head. His pounding headache had intensified. Now he remembered why he never really liked roses. Their sharp scent was unpleasantly strong in his nose.
“I’m serious.” He heard the tight, hard note slipping into his voice. “I don’t feel anything for you. I cannot feel anything for anyone.”
Incongruously, Siwon laughed. “Stop trying to make me stop trying,” he said teasingly, feather-light fingers tracing shapeless patterns on the base of Kyuhyun’s ribs, “or I’d start thinking that I might just have a chance.”
It was this nonchalance, this utter disregard for everything he had said that made Kyuhyun finally snap. As if grasped by a sudden spell, he seized a fistful of red and green, and threw the flowers at Siwon, wanting nothing but to hurt him. Except, of course every hint of thorn had been removed and all that was left was the stench of perfume poisoning his head.
“You think this is all fun and games?” He almost didn’t recognize his own voice, pitched high in near-hysteria. “You think you can just waltz in here with your little trick and your flower bouquet, fuck me a few times, and then make me fall for you? You think I’m stupid? A helpless virgin princess waiting for her one true love?”
The shock on Siwon’s face would have been comical in a different situation. “I didn’t-”
“No, you didn’t,” Kyuhyun snarled, words barreling past each other, pushing against his teeth. “You have no idea how I got here, do you. No idea what kind of things I did. Never say no, that’s Kyu, your best fucking fantasy. You’d never want to kiss me if you knew half the things I’ve got in my mouth throughout these years because yes, master, your pathetic slut will obey your every fucking order. Which hole, master. Which part of your fallen queen’s filthy body. Oh yes, I love your cock, master, even if it tastes like piss and shit. What a divine blessing your cum is. And yes, I love pain too, master. You can shove a razor into my ass and this little whore of yours will be screaming, begging for more-because guess what? Your best fantasy never says no.”
The silence was loud, haunted by the foul echoes of his tirade. His head was filled with a ringing sound and his throat felt like it had been scrubbed raw. Kyuhyun glanced down, at the red petals crushed between his fingers, and then up once more, at Siwon’s dumbstruck face.
“If you think I didn’t get through hell to get where I am,” he spoke again, his voice deadly calm, “if you think I would throw everything away for this childish obsession you call love, god, what a stupid, fucking moron you are.”
He had gone out of bed and out of room in less than five seconds, covered in nothing but the frilly piece clinging to his hips. Kyuhyun barely noticed the shadow of Jonghyun’s faithful presence, or the shocked, scandalized stares directed his way as he tore his way blindly to the hotel’s parking dock. Guests and attendants alike gaped at his nakedness, some of them sprinkled with recognition. Let them see. Two hundred credits per glimpse-for once free of charge. He could always dismiss it later with a coquettish laugh, and maybe an embarrassed confession that he had been feeling a little too hot and just ever so slightly adventurous. Oh, please, Mi, just take it as a viral marketing.
For now, he just wanted to disappear. The shuttle was ready and waiting-the invaluable Jonghyun, as always, anticipating his every need. He ignored the empty rows of seat and headed straight for the back of the craft. There, in the gap behind the rearmost seat, he sat huddled on the rough-carpeted floor and let shame and misery burn him completely.
To lose control like that. When every single second of his life he had strived for control.
Because of someone so unimportant, no less. Siwon was in no way special. There were many men who claimed to feel the same thing and would also sacrifice everything for him. So what if Siwon swallowed the harshest words and received the worst attitude only to still tell Kyuhyun that he loved him?
Not after this, a calm voice said loudly and clearly in his head, not after you broke down and showed him that you're not the almighty, invulnerable queen after all.
Everything he had done, every single wall he had built to protect himself-all gone, crumbling like dust because he couldn’t control his emotions and keep his mouth shut. The self-disgust churning inside his stomach almost made him throw up. His body hadn’t stopped shaking, even until he felt the shuttle came to life, gently rising into the air.
Jonghyun did not try to comfort him; he never would, unless Kyuhyun allowed him. Instead, he would remain in the pilot seat, pretending to navigate their way to a specific point of destination while in truth they only drifted aimlessly, wasting the hours because there would be questions if they were to return now.
Only his coat sat waiting on the arm of the third-from-the-back seat, a mute offer of support. Kyuhyun did not take it for a long time.
End Chapter 5
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