Oh. Man.
It's time for me to be brutally honest with nobody. The only people that factor into my life on a daily basis are all very well-informed.
Why is it that it's only when things are terrible that I open up the channels of communication to people who I used to know?
Check it.
For years I have not been respected or safe in my own house and home. My younger brother has some things wrong with him, as some of you may know. That, added to my family's great dysfunction has created a uniquely awful situation. There has long been a void of authority in my house, a void which I have felt that I needed to fill. I got over that unhealthy perspective years ago, but the rest of my family has not been so quick to progress.
There are constant fights that shake the house and tear my spirits to the ground. My younger brother is absurdly verbally abusive to me and occasionally my mother. My mother is not in control - she is scared of her own failures and runs from these problems more often than not. I feel that I have no safe haven, anywhere. I feel that I have nobody to turn to - the only person who really gets the intricacies of this situation is my father - he is on the other side of the world.
This is turning from coherent to babbling - the problems, the pain, the outrage is too much to put down onscreen. It's too massive to communicate to people who don't even know me anymore.
Summary - I have two people who are solid for me. That's more than some people have and I'm grateful. However, I am scared - of losing control when provoked. I'm really afraid that I'm going to lose it the next time I get walked all over by my family, and really do some physical harm to Christopher. I feel utterly trapped in this house, and today I'm going to spend about 300 dollars of my hard-earned money to check myself and Lacey into a hotel, so we can escape the fighting and the general feeling that the house is not a safe and comfortable place for us to be. Needless to say, this is outrageously unfair - that I am all but forced out of what is supposed to be my home because my family can't deal with their own problems in a way that doesn't hurt me.
Some people say "this is normal. Families do this. They fight all the time, and people get hurt, but it comes out all right in the end." Fucking no way will I accept that this is alright. I have been asking my mom to put an end to this dynamic for years. She espouses the virtues of balance and fairness and then whenever I ask for help, she tells me that most of these conflicts are my fault, because neither she or Christopher can deal with being held accountable for their actions. She touts her spiritual, calm way of dealing with things, and I have to flee to a hotel to escape the emotional carnage. She is deluded. Christopher is twisted and broken. I am trying to keep my head down and escape to Florida with my sanity.
This is not normal. This is not okay. I have said "no" to this abuse for years, and my supposed loving family members have just kept steamrolling along this destructive path. I have no power here, and yet I'm trapped. The hotel is a temporary solution - I can't even afford one night there, and yet I need to get out of here. I have no reasonable options. The rest of my family lives on the west coast. My father is in Indonesia. I have no close friends to turn to. Any friends I could conceivably turn to are not in a position to support the refugees from this family's war.
I am trapped, and I am freaked the fuck out. I know that this is all doing damage - damage that I'm going to have to heal before I can really start a new phase of my life. I refuse to begin a family with all the shrapnel still stuck in me - my father and mother started a family before they dealt with their own bullshit and look what happened - dad bailed, and my mom isn't strong enough to do it alone. I absolutely refuse to let my life mirror theirs. The problem is, I make those declarations, use those strong words, and they get completely invalidated as soon as Christopher decides to tear into me. As soon as Mom goes on the defensive and tells me that this dysfunction is largely my fault.
I have been asking these questions of my mother and father -
What do I do when I feel like the only sane person in the house?
What do I do when my younger brother abuses me?
(I should clarify - the abuse is entirely verbal and emotional. I love him too much to literally fight back, though I am worried that I won't be able to keep it together if provoked any further. I literally hide from him - try to avoid him, and he intrudes on my life and forces reaction from me. I currently have no way to combat him, nor any way to avoid him - and those who know me, know that I'm a very capable person.)
What do I do when my mother grabs my wrists as hard as she can - when I pull away, she screams at me to hit her?
What do I do when I am trapped here?
What do I do with myself?
What happens next?
Three nights ago I was at the end of my rope.
Last night, my rope was cut.
Right now, I have been unable to sleep at all since Saturday night before work - I've been awake since 9:30 PM on Saturday. I don't even know where my rope is anymore.
I have never felt this scared or alone - this is so different from depression. I'm not depressed - I'm afraid and cornered.
I have no conceivable options. I know that I'm a pretty smart kid, and the fact that I can't do anything here except sit and sputter is frightening.
I need this situation to change, but after 2+ years of my best efforts, I have not made an inch of progress.
My future is still bright - I just can't see the light right now. Thank god for Lacey. Thank god for Donovan. Thank god for my Father.
Here's hoping I at least get some sleep at this hotel.