Death, life, addictions
I really am just as sick as all of you about talking/ hearing about my health. I really, really am, but I want to give an update which will hopefully be the last. Most of you know that I was very ill about 3 years ago and that resulted in 6 abdomial surgeries. That in combination with the 3 previous abdomen surgeries has destroyed my intestines and causes a great deal of pain.
For two years I battled the pain and diarrhea (TMI, I know) that eventually finished cutting me off from having a normal life. I thought if I pushed through it I could just make myself be able to deal with it all. I should have probably gotten therapy or something for all the post-traumatic issues that even still pop up, but I didn't. I started to use pain medication instead.
This is hard for me, I spent the first 24 years of my life trying not to repeat my mother's mistakes, but in the last 3 years I have found myself in her shoes. its very difficult to admit these things to you all today.
The medication proved little relief and a small oasis from the world that I had created out of hopelessness. I continued to take it. I would get "scripts" and use all of them in a matter of days even though they were meant to last 2 months! At first it was fine, but then I realized I started needing it more and more, the two months were getter harder and harder to get through.
Ray said it best when I asked him what he thought about all this. He said to me, "Nicole, its plain to see there is a problem. Look at the facts. You aren't using the medication the way the doctor tells you, and you use more than one doctor that you get your meds from. Now whether that problem is with you being addicted or misusing, or if its a matter of the doctors not prescribing the right dosage or right medications, or a combination but there is a problem Now its up to you how you deal with it."
A few months ago I spoke with chiropractor in random conversation about doctors giving out too much pain medications. He said, "Pain medications like Vicodin don't get rid of the pain, they just make you not care." I felt like that was a big turning point for me.
Not long after that, I started going back to the doctors that actually had seemed to give a damn about me. I asked them to help me fix my intestines instead of just covering up the pain. I told them I would do anything if there was something we could do that make it even a little better.
That journey was very disheartening. Only one doctor made suggestions of things that might help. He told me I had probably developed very very bad scar tissue that was flaring up causing the intestinal distress and the pain. He said that I should have surgery to remove the tissue.
I spoke to two surgeons after that. They both told me that no one would ever open me up again, it was just too dangerous. But neither gave any suggestions of how I could start to get my life back. I lost all my respect for the medical profession after that. My health wasn't in danger of failing completely anymore, but I felt my life was in danger because I couldn't handle the leftover consequences anymore and none of these doctors cared! Damn them! (I really think I might pick up patient advocacy as my passion after all this lol)
When I called the doctor who told me about the scar tissue to tell him about the surgical consults, he said he was so sorry, had I tried going to pain management? Pain management has advanced light years since the 80s and 90s from when my mother went to them. More about that in a second. The doctor said he was proud of me, that I was still fighting. Most people never go through this, and if they do its not until they are very old. I was dealing with a LONG-TERM ILLNESS. I had never really thought about it like that. I had always looked at it as something I had to fix, that I had failed myself somehow by not being a strong enough person.
Today I took the first real step that I feel might actually lead to me getting back my life, or least starting a new one. I went to a pain specialist that has an all-encompassing approach to dealing with pain.
He listened to me. It was novel to have a doctor actually care about what I was saying, what I was going through. I told him I thought I might have a problem with the pain medication and he explained to me that pain medications like hydrocodone were very short lived in the body. That reason alone can cause people to take too many of the pills because their pain level fluxes too much.
He gave me a continous relief patch, the smallest dosage. Its the same stuff they give cancer patients. He reassured me that they would work with me to make sure that I wasn't getting too much or being overwhelmed by the side effects. This medication is actually approved for long term use, unlike the other stuff.
The two biggies now!!! Injections! One of the approaches with this place is inter-ventional pain methods. I will go in for three series of injections that block the nerve signals in the nerve system that connects all the organs to the body. I am still a little confused about the science behind that, but I had read about it and I am hopeful. If those don't work, I am interested in a TENs Unit, its a machine that stimulates the nerves which in turn blocks the pain. Also, starting next week, I will be going to a therapist who deals only with people with long-term illnesses and chronic pain.
These are just the first steps. Once I battle the pain with my new entourage, I will battle the diarrhea (which on its own is dehabiting. ) I know that both can be directly related to food, so next step is the nutritionist! It'll help with the weight "problem" that I perceive I have, and maybe it'll lessen the other side effects :) Soon, when I am feeling better, Katie will be home and all will be much improved. Maybe I'll actually leave the house!!!
I want my friends and family to know that I am trying very hard to make you all proud, and I am greatly embarrassed by my confessions here, but I realize honesty really is the best policy. I feel blessed to have good friends and family around me, and it makes me sad to hear the occasional friend berate me, just talk to me.
For two years I battled the pain and diarrhea (TMI, I know) that eventually finished cutting me off from having a normal life. I thought if I pushed through it I could just make myself be able to deal with it all. I should have probably gotten therapy or something for all the post-traumatic issues that even still pop up, but I didn't. I started to use pain medication instead.
This is hard for me, I spent the first 24 years of my life trying not to repeat my mother's mistakes, but in the last 3 years I have found myself in her shoes. its very difficult to admit these things to you all today.
The medication proved little relief and a small oasis from the world that I had created out of hopelessness. I continued to take it. I would get "scripts" and use all of them in a matter of days even though they were meant to last 2 months! At first it was fine, but then I realized I started needing it more and more, the two months were getter harder and harder to get through.
Ray said it best when I asked him what he thought about all this. He said to me, "Nicole, its plain to see there is a problem. Look at the facts. You aren't using the medication the way the doctor tells you, and you use more than one doctor that you get your meds from. Now whether that problem is with you being addicted or misusing, or if its a matter of the doctors not prescribing the right dosage or right medications, or a combination but there is a problem Now its up to you how you deal with it."
A few months ago I spoke with chiropractor in random conversation about doctors giving out too much pain medications. He said, "Pain medications like Vicodin don't get rid of the pain, they just make you not care." I felt like that was a big turning point for me.
Not long after that, I started going back to the doctors that actually had seemed to give a damn about me. I asked them to help me fix my intestines instead of just covering up the pain. I told them I would do anything if there was something we could do that make it even a little better.
That journey was very disheartening. Only one doctor made suggestions of things that might help. He told me I had probably developed very very bad scar tissue that was flaring up causing the intestinal distress and the pain. He said that I should have surgery to remove the tissue.
I spoke to two surgeons after that. They both told me that no one would ever open me up again, it was just too dangerous. But neither gave any suggestions of how I could start to get my life back. I lost all my respect for the medical profession after that. My health wasn't in danger of failing completely anymore, but I felt my life was in danger because I couldn't handle the leftover consequences anymore and none of these doctors cared! Damn them! (I really think I might pick up patient advocacy as my passion after all this lol)
When I called the doctor who told me about the scar tissue to tell him about the surgical consults, he said he was so sorry, had I tried going to pain management? Pain management has advanced light years since the 80s and 90s from when my mother went to them. More about that in a second. The doctor said he was proud of me, that I was still fighting. Most people never go through this, and if they do its not until they are very old. I was dealing with a LONG-TERM ILLNESS. I had never really thought about it like that. I had always looked at it as something I had to fix, that I had failed myself somehow by not being a strong enough person.
Today I took the first real step that I feel might actually lead to me getting back my life, or least starting a new one. I went to a pain specialist that has an all-encompassing approach to dealing with pain.
He listened to me. It was novel to have a doctor actually care about what I was saying, what I was going through. I told him I thought I might have a problem with the pain medication and he explained to me that pain medications like hydrocodone were very short lived in the body. That reason alone can cause people to take too many of the pills because their pain level fluxes too much.
He gave me a continous relief patch, the smallest dosage. Its the same stuff they give cancer patients. He reassured me that they would work with me to make sure that I wasn't getting too much or being overwhelmed by the side effects. This medication is actually approved for long term use, unlike the other stuff.
The two biggies now!!! Injections! One of the approaches with this place is inter-ventional pain methods. I will go in for three series of injections that block the nerve signals in the nerve system that connects all the organs to the body. I am still a little confused about the science behind that, but I had read about it and I am hopeful. If those don't work, I am interested in a TENs Unit, its a machine that stimulates the nerves which in turn blocks the pain. Also, starting next week, I will be going to a therapist who deals only with people with long-term illnesses and chronic pain.
These are just the first steps. Once I battle the pain with my new entourage, I will battle the diarrhea (which on its own is dehabiting. ) I know that both can be directly related to food, so next step is the nutritionist! It'll help with the weight "problem" that I perceive I have, and maybe it'll lessen the other side effects :) Soon, when I am feeling better, Katie will be home and all will be much improved. Maybe I'll actually leave the house!!!
I want my friends and family to know that I am trying very hard to make you all proud, and I am greatly embarrassed by my confessions here, but I realize honesty really is the best policy. I feel blessed to have good friends and family around me, and it makes me sad to hear the occasional friend berate me, just talk to me.