boo hoo cry me a river
This semester is over and i have accomplished nothing. i honestly don't even know where this semester went. the part that disgusts me the most is that i don't know where it went because i can't remember most of it. everything is foggy and i only know that certain things happened because i have pictures and video clips to prove it. i hate this semester and i don't ever want to come back. a large part of me wants nothing to do with demarest and the people in it that i love so much. demarest is a big hole that sucks you in to a dismal torpor. and yes, it is not always like that, but that is what it unfortunately was for me this semester.
i'm failing my classes and i don't have the heart to tell my mother. i don't have the heart to tell her that i hate myself so much that i find myself grabbing on to my hair frantically at times because i want to rip my scalp apart. i can't tell her that i take drugs to further punish mysef for being such a waste of precious life. that i don't leave my room because the outside is too much for me to bear or that i'm suffocating in the pit of my stomach. i can't tell my mother that i smile when it has been three days on adderall and nothing but applesauce in my stomach and i feel my skin drying up from dehydration, my hands shaking, my eyes hallucinating and my back aching. i can't tell her that i smile at the fact that i'm in pain. that i think that being in a state of pain is that way i should always be. because i'm a loser. i can't even tell my mom that the only reason that i have not chased an oxy pill down with everclear and be done with myself is because i love her so fucking much that i can't bear to break her heart like that. '
i want to crawl out of my own skin. i want to take a knife and lacerate my face in rage. i want everyone to stop caring for me so i can let myself go. i'm tired of myself. Self-destruction is the only act that makes me smile and i smile for all the wrong reasons.
i don't care anymore. i'm so far removed from my emotions that i can only acknowledge that they exist somewhere in me. i'm bed ridden and everytime i close my eyes i look deep within my beating heart for signs of coming death.
this entry is not even worth it.
i'm failing my classes and i don't have the heart to tell my mother. i don't have the heart to tell her that i hate myself so much that i find myself grabbing on to my hair frantically at times because i want to rip my scalp apart. i can't tell her that i take drugs to further punish mysef for being such a waste of precious life. that i don't leave my room because the outside is too much for me to bear or that i'm suffocating in the pit of my stomach. i can't tell my mother that i smile when it has been three days on adderall and nothing but applesauce in my stomach and i feel my skin drying up from dehydration, my hands shaking, my eyes hallucinating and my back aching. i can't tell her that i smile at the fact that i'm in pain. that i think that being in a state of pain is that way i should always be. because i'm a loser. i can't even tell my mom that the only reason that i have not chased an oxy pill down with everclear and be done with myself is because i love her so fucking much that i can't bear to break her heart like that. '
i want to crawl out of my own skin. i want to take a knife and lacerate my face in rage. i want everyone to stop caring for me so i can let myself go. i'm tired of myself. Self-destruction is the only act that makes me smile and i smile for all the wrong reasons.
i don't care anymore. i'm so far removed from my emotions that i can only acknowledge that they exist somewhere in me. i'm bed ridden and everytime i close my eyes i look deep within my beating heart for signs of coming death.
this entry is not even worth it.