Straight lines.
(5:14 a.m.)
I am still awake.
I hear the screeching sounds of bats flying around.
Whipped up some heavenly corned beef - the kind that I wouldn't mind having when I'm actually famished. Being mentally tired can suck the life out of me, and well, suck the remaining kilojoules out of my system. Dad said not sleeping for hours on end at night, or simply not sleeping at all can make a person obese. I wonder if that's true. Well, I'd like to believe so. Considering my weight gain during the merry months of April, May, June, July and August... a few more months could make all the difference. Probably from a size 1 I'd be a size 6 (and that will be my death).
But I try to think, as if I haven't thought enough, if everything I'm sacrificing is worth it. First of all, I cannot reconcile the fact that staying awake during thesis nights are much less fatal than staying up all night doing nothing (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Multiply). I'd trade anything for a thesis night if it means working with these two girls and writing about Corporate Social Responsibility and Non-Profit Organizations. Hunger fits at 3:00 a.m. and giving up the healthy diet with a Double Cheeseburger delivery from the golden arches does the trick. I can't help but thank the Creator that he made me pursue this study. God bless Smart, Ayala, Nestle, Pfizer, Petron, BDO and Kraft. God bless Virlanie, Kythe, PBSP, SOS Children's Villages, and World Vision. God bless all of them. God bless Tita Chet, Ms. Cosette, Sir Joey, Mom, Dad, my sister and Lulu (my dog). God bless Coco and Den, the two other dynamic brains behind the study. God bless my professors, especially those who love to criticize and scrutinize, comment and commend. It might be too early to acknowledge but it's never too early to express my gratitude. Each one of you has made my college life a better and happier ride.
Second, I'd say "Oh what I do for love", but that would be an understatement. I'd say "Oh what I do for passion", since that what this really is. I found a zeal for life, as though I'm in an abyss, or better yet under a seemingly unending bridge over a canal. It's as though I've been rowing and rowing and rowing but the mossy patches have their own little gems that make the rowing (and rowing and rowing) quite worthwhile. There's a current, I know. And it's dangerous to try and row against it, but if only to make the journey a little bit slower, I'd do that. But who am I to try and fight what my Creator has planned for me, that eventually I'd get through the bridge and finally sunlight would gently caress my face and the I'll realize, I have arrived. What would the journey be like if I didn't take things as they were, if I decided to go this way and not that? What would I be like if I didn't make one mistake, or two, or fall into doing something I knew I wouldn't have done in the first place? What would happen then if I hadn't lived my life the way I did? Would I have learned anything? The journey for sure would be a boring one and perhaps a pointless array of sweet memories, such that in time I'd get sick of it, and by the time I crave for something bitter it would be too late.
Third, I think I've mastered the art of numbing myself. But not too much. Numbing myself from the things that are not worth my energy, such as raised voices that I have no business with in the first place, guilt trips that will undoubtedly suck more energy out of me, and well, just those simple but painful things I'd rather not remember.
Fourth. Oh yes. This one I actually forgot about for a long time, but at the same extent I've hoped forever to happen. Sometimes in life, when people leave, they always find a way of coming back. However, not all the time do we notice that fact. Probably, when that fantastic Big Man up there knows that life has given you enough lemons, that little piece of bitter melon comes back, almost impossibly transformed into a cantaloupe. Fine, I know a vegetable cannot transform into a fruit. But what I'm saying is that what used to be a bittersweet memory can turn into something else, well... just go ahead and choose. If for three years I've imagined in my own little universe that true love is what I had, well, maturity crept in and made me eat my words. Forever is still forever, but this first love wasn't very true at all. I'm not going to spend too much time talking about this, but it's one thing I'm actually thankful about. Whoever said you can't be friends again hasn't realized a thing. It takes time, but everything falls into place.
I don't think I'd ever say this, which is why I decided to make it my fifth. I'm excited to get that diploma. When I say diploma, I don't mean the parchment paper and all that. I mean the world. It's like once that rolled-up, printed matter lands into my hands, I receive the world. The control I have on my life won't ever be the same again. I'll be in charge of most of it, and three-quarters of the time I won't have to bat my eyelashes for my daily allowance. I'll have bills to pay, and I have to convince myself that I mustn't get a credit card if I still want to see the Eiffel Tower ever again.
I always thought that spending money on expensive things was an investment, but I've had my share of being broke and not being able to save up. That was such a waste of time, energy, and of course, money. What's good about it now is that I save up and immerse myself in different cultures, such that I've enrolled myself in French language classes that I attend every Sunday. It's actually very liberating, trying a language I used to be fluent in when I was four and lived in the City of Lights. It's all very new to me.
A lot of other things are new to me, to say the least. Scheduling my week wherein half of my days are dedicated to agency work, and half for varsity trainings and major classes are all new to me. Getting make-up bookings for weddings during weekdays and actually being able to accept (because of the open schedule) is new to me. Volunteering in the Communications Department of a foundation where most volunteers are French is new to me. It might all seem very demanding, but as I've said, "Oh what I do for passion."
There's really not much to experience if you don't get out and try new things. Sometimes, when we start thinking that turning a year older means another year closer to our grave, we're as good as dead. If we try seeing things as they come - like how the mail comes on time, how Lulu (or your dog) gets lost in her shih-ndig and shih-nanigans when the taho vendor exuberantly makes his presence felt, or simply how you manage to get eight hours of sleep amidst your busy schedule - we'll always be ready, gladly holding a tea cup (pinkie up!) just to realize that life is indeed, our cup of tea.
I hear the lovebirds chirping now.
(6:22 a.m.)
I am still awake.
I hear the screeching sounds of bats flying around.
Whipped up some heavenly corned beef - the kind that I wouldn't mind having when I'm actually famished. Being mentally tired can suck the life out of me, and well, suck the remaining kilojoules out of my system. Dad said not sleeping for hours on end at night, or simply not sleeping at all can make a person obese. I wonder if that's true. Well, I'd like to believe so. Considering my weight gain during the merry months of April, May, June, July and August... a few more months could make all the difference. Probably from a size 1 I'd be a size 6 (and that will be my death).
But I try to think, as if I haven't thought enough, if everything I'm sacrificing is worth it. First of all, I cannot reconcile the fact that staying awake during thesis nights are much less fatal than staying up all night doing nothing (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Multiply). I'd trade anything for a thesis night if it means working with these two girls and writing about Corporate Social Responsibility and Non-Profit Organizations. Hunger fits at 3:00 a.m. and giving up the healthy diet with a Double Cheeseburger delivery from the golden arches does the trick. I can't help but thank the Creator that he made me pursue this study. God bless Smart, Ayala, Nestle, Pfizer, Petron, BDO and Kraft. God bless Virlanie, Kythe, PBSP, SOS Children's Villages, and World Vision. God bless all of them. God bless Tita Chet, Ms. Cosette, Sir Joey, Mom, Dad, my sister and Lulu (my dog). God bless Coco and Den, the two other dynamic brains behind the study. God bless my professors, especially those who love to criticize and scrutinize, comment and commend. It might be too early to acknowledge but it's never too early to express my gratitude. Each one of you has made my college life a better and happier ride.
Second, I'd say "Oh what I do for love", but that would be an understatement. I'd say "Oh what I do for passion", since that what this really is. I found a zeal for life, as though I'm in an abyss, or better yet under a seemingly unending bridge over a canal. It's as though I've been rowing and rowing and rowing but the mossy patches have their own little gems that make the rowing (and rowing and rowing) quite worthwhile. There's a current, I know. And it's dangerous to try and row against it, but if only to make the journey a little bit slower, I'd do that. But who am I to try and fight what my Creator has planned for me, that eventually I'd get through the bridge and finally sunlight would gently caress my face and the I'll realize, I have arrived. What would the journey be like if I didn't take things as they were, if I decided to go this way and not that? What would I be like if I didn't make one mistake, or two, or fall into doing something I knew I wouldn't have done in the first place? What would happen then if I hadn't lived my life the way I did? Would I have learned anything? The journey for sure would be a boring one and perhaps a pointless array of sweet memories, such that in time I'd get sick of it, and by the time I crave for something bitter it would be too late.
Third, I think I've mastered the art of numbing myself. But not too much. Numbing myself from the things that are not worth my energy, such as raised voices that I have no business with in the first place, guilt trips that will undoubtedly suck more energy out of me, and well, just those simple but painful things I'd rather not remember.
Fourth. Oh yes. This one I actually forgot about for a long time, but at the same extent I've hoped forever to happen. Sometimes in life, when people leave, they always find a way of coming back. However, not all the time do we notice that fact. Probably, when that fantastic Big Man up there knows that life has given you enough lemons, that little piece of bitter melon comes back, almost impossibly transformed into a cantaloupe. Fine, I know a vegetable cannot transform into a fruit. But what I'm saying is that what used to be a bittersweet memory can turn into something else, well... just go ahead and choose. If for three years I've imagined in my own little universe that true love is what I had, well, maturity crept in and made me eat my words. Forever is still forever, but this first love wasn't very true at all. I'm not going to spend too much time talking about this, but it's one thing I'm actually thankful about. Whoever said you can't be friends again hasn't realized a thing. It takes time, but everything falls into place.
I don't think I'd ever say this, which is why I decided to make it my fifth. I'm excited to get that diploma. When I say diploma, I don't mean the parchment paper and all that. I mean the world. It's like once that rolled-up, printed matter lands into my hands, I receive the world. The control I have on my life won't ever be the same again. I'll be in charge of most of it, and three-quarters of the time I won't have to bat my eyelashes for my daily allowance. I'll have bills to pay, and I have to convince myself that I mustn't get a credit card if I still want to see the Eiffel Tower ever again.
I always thought that spending money on expensive things was an investment, but I've had my share of being broke and not being able to save up. That was such a waste of time, energy, and of course, money. What's good about it now is that I save up and immerse myself in different cultures, such that I've enrolled myself in French language classes that I attend every Sunday. It's actually very liberating, trying a language I used to be fluent in when I was four and lived in the City of Lights. It's all very new to me.
A lot of other things are new to me, to say the least. Scheduling my week wherein half of my days are dedicated to agency work, and half for varsity trainings and major classes are all new to me. Getting make-up bookings for weddings during weekdays and actually being able to accept (because of the open schedule) is new to me. Volunteering in the Communications Department of a foundation where most volunteers are French is new to me. It might all seem very demanding, but as I've said, "Oh what I do for passion."
There's really not much to experience if you don't get out and try new things. Sometimes, when we start thinking that turning a year older means another year closer to our grave, we're as good as dead. If we try seeing things as they come - like how the mail comes on time, how Lulu (or your dog) gets lost in her shih-ndig and shih-nanigans when the taho vendor exuberantly makes his presence felt, or simply how you manage to get eight hours of sleep amidst your busy schedule - we'll always be ready, gladly holding a tea cup (pinkie up!) just to realize that life is indeed, our cup of tea.
I hear the lovebirds chirping now.
(6:22 a.m.)