(no subject)
I ran into a few people at work today.
The first of which being Autumn Nicholson. I had a decent-sized, juvenile crush on her from like 6th-9th grade. Apparently, she went into the National Guard & just got back... She said she was considering entering the police academy... but yeah, she just reminded me of how I used to always be into tomboys. & by always, I mean like maybe 3 girl. When she asked what I've been up to, I told her that I was half-way done with my degree in Business Management Economics...
A quick poll, comment this if you read it... I want to know who's still reading this.
I feel like I've been working alot. I'm really sick of my job already. I really don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything these days. & my social life is pretty much non-existent. I blame this on not having a car... I don't know what the fuck to do these days. I seriously think about suicide alot. I feel like I don't have a niche, like I've been replaced, forgotten, or even worse never needed to begin with... which I think maybe true (of all of us), sometimes. I don't think I'd go through with it, I'm more prone to killing my liver or something else equally self destructive, like staying up late. I've thought of purposely overdosing on these sleeping pills that I was prescribed like 9 months ago. But I really can't commit any form of suicide that doesn't seem like a suicide & that wouldn't bring pain (or at least embarrassment) to my family.
These smokey skies aren't helping me. The one thing that gave me peace at home was late night guitar playing beneath the stars. I can't fucking breath out there.
I'm seriously feeling ridiculously bipolar.
The other week I was crying while listening to the Aquabats, what the fuck does that mean? I've been meaning to see a psychiatrist or something... I keep thinking I can solve this on my own, but I just feel more alone.
I'm way too easily depressed these days. I feel like I have to try hard to convince people that I'm happy. I feel like I have to try too hard to just exist like others do. When I try to be funny, I'm either being a dick, self-depreciating, or just stupid. I don't like being a dick, no one likes a self-loather, and I hate being a clown... Honestly I feel like that stupid clown that cries. Even though he tries to make others happy he feels empty on the inside. His efforts aren't always appreciated. Many are afraid of clowns, or annoyed by them. I find myself rooting for the Joker in these Batman trailers. It scares me.
I really don't feel like I have friends at this point. 'cause friends like you for what you are, right? I don't even know if I like me for who I am. That makes things difficult.
My confidence has gone down the toilet & I'm feeling like crap.
I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I find myself hoping that I get killed or something so that I don't have to face the rest of my life. I'm afraid. I don't want to be alone. & I feel more alone than ever.
I don't know why I post this here. I should post it on myspace. More people would get it that way. It's not like I'll lose friends or anything.
I guess making this public is the next best step.
I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I keep putting it off 'cause I usually feel fine during the day, or I'm being cheap & don't wanna pay for the appointment.
My parents keep getting on my back about getting a girlfriend. I feel like I've been trying for 4 years & haven't succeed. I wish someone would just see something in me & like it. But I tend to write people that do as not knowing me or something. Why the hell do I feel like this? I'm usually depressed, empty, bemused, or ridiculously optimistic. I never write in here when I'm ridiculously optimistic.
Someone please kill me. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I'm living just so that I don't cause my immediate family heartbreak. That makes me feel like I don't have much significance. Sometimes I wish I just would've died when my lung collapsed.
I hate talking to people they just ask stupid questions or makes stupid remarks, and nothing that comes out of my mouth sounds any better. I feel stuck inside my own head with no one to keep me company.
The first of which being Autumn Nicholson. I had a decent-sized, juvenile crush on her from like 6th-9th grade. Apparently, she went into the National Guard & just got back... She said she was considering entering the police academy... but yeah, she just reminded me of how I used to always be into tomboys. & by always, I mean like maybe 3 girl. When she asked what I've been up to, I told her that I was half-way done with my degree in Business Management Economics...
A quick poll, comment this if you read it... I want to know who's still reading this.
I feel like I've been working alot. I'm really sick of my job already. I really don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything these days. & my social life is pretty much non-existent. I blame this on not having a car... I don't know what the fuck to do these days. I seriously think about suicide alot. I feel like I don't have a niche, like I've been replaced, forgotten, or even worse never needed to begin with... which I think maybe true (of all of us), sometimes. I don't think I'd go through with it, I'm more prone to killing my liver or something else equally self destructive, like staying up late. I've thought of purposely overdosing on these sleeping pills that I was prescribed like 9 months ago. But I really can't commit any form of suicide that doesn't seem like a suicide & that wouldn't bring pain (or at least embarrassment) to my family.
These smokey skies aren't helping me. The one thing that gave me peace at home was late night guitar playing beneath the stars. I can't fucking breath out there.
I'm seriously feeling ridiculously bipolar.
The other week I was crying while listening to the Aquabats, what the fuck does that mean? I've been meaning to see a psychiatrist or something... I keep thinking I can solve this on my own, but I just feel more alone.
I'm way too easily depressed these days. I feel like I have to try hard to convince people that I'm happy. I feel like I have to try too hard to just exist like others do. When I try to be funny, I'm either being a dick, self-depreciating, or just stupid. I don't like being a dick, no one likes a self-loather, and I hate being a clown... Honestly I feel like that stupid clown that cries. Even though he tries to make others happy he feels empty on the inside. His efforts aren't always appreciated. Many are afraid of clowns, or annoyed by them. I find myself rooting for the Joker in these Batman trailers. It scares me.
I really don't feel like I have friends at this point. 'cause friends like you for what you are, right? I don't even know if I like me for who I am. That makes things difficult.
My confidence has gone down the toilet & I'm feeling like crap.
I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I find myself hoping that I get killed or something so that I don't have to face the rest of my life. I'm afraid. I don't want to be alone. & I feel more alone than ever.
I don't know why I post this here. I should post it on myspace. More people would get it that way. It's not like I'll lose friends or anything.
I guess making this public is the next best step.
I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I keep putting it off 'cause I usually feel fine during the day, or I'm being cheap & don't wanna pay for the appointment.
My parents keep getting on my back about getting a girlfriend. I feel like I've been trying for 4 years & haven't succeed. I wish someone would just see something in me & like it. But I tend to write people that do as not knowing me or something. Why the hell do I feel like this? I'm usually depressed, empty, bemused, or ridiculously optimistic. I never write in here when I'm ridiculously optimistic.
Someone please kill me. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I'm living just so that I don't cause my immediate family heartbreak. That makes me feel like I don't have much significance. Sometimes I wish I just would've died when my lung collapsed.
I hate talking to people they just ask stupid questions or makes stupid remarks, and nothing that comes out of my mouth sounds any better. I feel stuck inside my own head with no one to keep me company.